Page 16 | Threat to gate crash DD wedding

Aussierelative · 2025-01-16T14:57:57+00:00

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that. My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 06:14

Wow weddings can really bring out the worst in people. I’m amazed they want to come at all. And ‘a small wedding’…with 100 guests? You expect them to go to the time and expense to traverse the globe and leave their uninvited daughter at home, all for the supreme honour of being at their nephew’s wedding…despite their particular circumstances (their DD has mental health issues)…surely all the other cousins would understand the situation? And you say you’re ‘not particularly close’. Why have they been invited at all? Just for the optics? They’d be mad to come. Weddings bring out raging entitlement…oh and your DH sounds like a real charmer 🙄

Askingforafriendtoday · 18/01/2025 06:38

Rickrolypoly · 16/01/2025 15:00

It's one person. You are family. You haven't seen each other in years.

Seriously, why do weddings always end up being such a drama. Just invite her.

This. Your niece lives at home due to MH issues. Her supportive parents are travelling a long, long way to attend their niece's, her 1st cousin's, wedding. How would you and your DH feel about leaving your DD if the situation was reversed? Have some empathy, compassion fgs

TheDecorousLarks · 18/01/2025 08:55

Hello,

I don’t think there is anything to be done right now. Your daughter has invited her aunt and uncle and they have accepted. If their daughter does travel to the UK with them, is your daughter likely to see her cousin in that time between their arrival and the wedding? If not, then there won’t be an opportunity to extend the invitation, if so then she can see how she feels in that moment.

If the invitation is not extended and they turn up to the wedding with an uninvited guest, that is, of course, an impropriety. But even when others behave poorly, we should hold ourselves to a higher standard, so the right thing to do in that situation is whatever is in your power (no more no less) to accommodate and make her feel welcome (it will probably involve explaining to the venue what has happened and asking if there is anything they can do). When the other uninvited cousins find out about the situation, I’m sure they will feel nothing but shock at this improper behaviour, sympathy for your daughter and respect for the gracious way it was handled.

Newbie999 · 18/01/2025 09:43

mycatsanutter · 16/01/2025 15:02

I would let her come , she has mental health issues and her parents probably don't want to be thousands of miles away from her.

I sgree

Boooooreddddd · 18/01/2025 09:55

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 06:14

Wow weddings can really bring out the worst in people. I’m amazed they want to come at all. And ‘a small wedding’…with 100 guests? You expect them to go to the time and expense to traverse the globe and leave their uninvited daughter at home, all for the supreme honour of being at their nephew’s wedding…despite their particular circumstances (their DD has mental health issues)…surely all the other cousins would understand the situation? And you say you’re ‘not particularly close’. Why have they been invited at all? Just for the optics? They’d be mad to come. Weddings bring out raging entitlement…oh and your DH sounds like a real charmer 🙄

This👆

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 18/01/2025 10:34

JammySlag · 17/01/2025 21:40

But the venue has set numbers and they have already invited guests and are at max capacity. They would have to uninvite someone they actually want there, to accommodate someone they don’t. I imagine the aunt and uncle are only there because the bride’s parents want them there, I’m guessing the bride and groom would rather have someone else in their place if they could. Is that correct@Aussierelative ? Does your daughter even particularly want her aunt and uncle there? Or she doing it because she feels she has to? If so for the love of weddings don’t make her have the ghastly cousin too.

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They aren't at max numbers. They haven't sent invites yet, let alone had the responses. All that has gone out is save the date cards. It is very unlikely that every single one of the 60 will be able to attend.

A save the date card doesn't stop life from happening. Couples could split up between now and September, someone could have another wedding invite for the same day and prioritise that, someone could have just fallen pregnant and will be in labour on the big day, someone invited who has to travel could decide it's not they can't afford it, some of the invitees could be the type of mumsnetters who hate weddings and always decline.

Mirabai · 18/01/2025 11:40

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 06:14

Wow weddings can really bring out the worst in people. I’m amazed they want to come at all. And ‘a small wedding’…with 100 guests? You expect them to go to the time and expense to traverse the globe and leave their uninvited daughter at home, all for the supreme honour of being at their nephew’s wedding…despite their particular circumstances (their DD has mental health issues)…surely all the other cousins would understand the situation? And you say you’re ‘not particularly close’. Why have they been invited at all? Just for the optics? They’d be mad to come. Weddings bring out raging entitlement…oh and your DH sounds like a real charmer 🙄

60 for ceremony and wedding breakfast is not a particularly big wedding.

OP invited her sister, but there’s no obligation to come all the way from Aus if she doesn’t want to, she could Zoom in if she wanted. They’ve decided to combine it with a holiday with their DD as well which is up to them.

Why should a cousin, whom DD is not particularly close to, take preference over cousins in the U.K. who, DD and DH may be closer to and see more regularly?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/01/2025 11:42

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 18/01/2025 10:34

They aren't at max numbers. They haven't sent invites yet, let alone had the responses. All that has gone out is save the date cards. It is very unlikely that every single one of the 60 will be able to attend.

A save the date card doesn't stop life from happening. Couples could split up between now and September, someone could have another wedding invite for the same day and prioritise that, someone could have just fallen pregnant and will be in labour on the big day, someone invited who has to travel could decide it's not they can't afford it, some of the invitees could be the type of mumsnetters who hate weddings and always decline.

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And they already have a reserve list of who they’d like to invite if any of the current guests can’t make it.

The cousin they’ve hardly met, and didn’t get on with on the rare occasion they did, isn’t on it.

Her MH doesn’t change that.

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 18/01/2025 11:45

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/01/2025 11:42

And they already have a reserve list of who they’d like to invite if any of the current guests can’t make it.

The cousin they’ve hardly met, and didn’t get on with on the rare occasion they did, isn’t on it.

Her MH doesn’t change that.

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So stick the Australian niece on the bottom of the reserve list and see what happens.

Americano75 · 18/01/2025 11:57

Is this the first MN wedding thread that doesn't have a post saying 'it's an invite, not a summons'? I haven't spotted it yet.

DiduAye · 18/01/2025 13:44

Find out what the truth of the rumour is and then of true make it clear that the daughter IS NOT was not and never will be invited .

JammySlag · 18/01/2025 15:26

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 18/01/2025 11:45

So stick the Australian niece on the bottom of the reserve list and see what happens.

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Why? Op’s daughter doesn’t like her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pippyls67 · 18/01/2025 21:06

Namechangean · 17/01/2025 21:57

Stop infantilising the woman. OP has said she has MH issues so still lives at home. She can be left alone. She might have anxiety or depression. There’s no reason for us to believe she has severe mental health issues that require constant care. She’s in her late 20s and it’s just really patronising for everyone to be insisting she should be invited just because she has a mental health diagnosis. No one is saying that about the aunts son

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When as an adult you are not well enough to live away from your parents the need for their supervision and care is implied. MH issues are a serious concern. Safeguarding a vulnerable person has nothing to do with ‘infantilising’. This is an extremely unhelpful attitude to take.

CrowleyKitten · 18/01/2025 21:21

fourelementary · 16/01/2025 15:01

Actually I think if your niece lives with her parents due to MH issues and is coming over from Oz for the wedding (as presumably she cannot be left at home alone) then you’re being quite mean to not include her. Where is the issue really? It’s one extra person.

yeah, these are exceptional circumstances. if she can't be left at home for the duration of the visit, is she supposed to just sit in a hotel room. it's one extra person.
they should have handled it better, explaining why she needed to travel with them, and could they make an exception due to her care needs. but it isn't an unreasonable request, all things considered.

NannaKaren · 19/01/2025 10:51

Rickrolypoly · 16/01/2025 15:00

It's one person. You are family. You haven't seen each other in years.

Seriously, why do weddings always end up being such a drama. Just invite her.

Ditto

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 19/01/2025 21:52

It's two extra people who are your family. Is there really no way you could fit them in? If they were asking to bring over six or seven people I'd get that but an extra two surely couldn't make that much of a difference overall.

Mum2jenny · 19/01/2025 22:03

I get it OP, you let one cousin attend and all the others are pissed off, particularly any that are good friends with your dd.
I’d not let the Australian cousin attend just because she has turned up to the UK with her parents. However if on the day you get a last minute cancellation, you could perhaps let her attend. I know you have a list of preferred attendees if you get cancellations, but it could be perceived as kindness to let the Aus cousin attend, if you get any refusals.

DraigCymraeg · 21/01/2025 06:36

I hardly think the family coming from Australia - paying three airfares - is planned to upset anybody. One more guest is not going to make a difference.

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 06:51

Your sister is reasonable to bring her daughter.
She is also reasonable and honest to be hopeful that DN might be included in some way. That is not being pushy.

Respond by telling your sister that there is a list of uninvited cousins on both sides an arm long and most probably her daughter will need to work out a suitable arrangement for herself.

In the background, you could talk with your DD and her betrothed. Is there a way for uninvited cousins to meet up at a local pub and hang out together? They would have fun and pay for their own night. Could they see their cousins who marry outside the church and wave etc? It would be in a way that doesn't detract from DD's wedding at all.
Alternitively, have a casual pay for yourself meet up for all your family, guests and uninvited, a couple of days before the wedding. This would be a welcome from Australia, long time no see, type of thing.

JollyZebra · 21/01/2025 07:20

It's your daughter's wedding. Get her to tell her aunt her cousin won't be able to attend. If she's big enough to get married, she's big enough to take any flack that arises from her decision. Obviously she should do this before they book and pay for flights and accommodation.
You and your husband can stay out of it.

Vodkamummy · 21/01/2025 07:22

Have you asked your daughter what she thinks? After all it is HER wedding

Widower2014 · 21/01/2025 07:36

Just explain to your sister that no cousins are invited from either side and if her daughter can't be left at home then they should stay home to look after her.

Is there a strike of niece kicking off at the wedding or breakfast?? If you are that worried, hire some bouncers and if their name ain't on the list they don't get in

SummaLuvin · 21/01/2025 07:58

DraigCymraeg · 21/01/2025 06:36

I hardly think the family coming from Australia - paying three airfares - is planned to upset anybody. One more guest is not going to make a difference.

except one more does make difference as OP has confirmed the bride and groom have hit max capacity for both day and evening guests. There is no room for her.

OP also confirmed that (even before this discussion) the couple have a list of friends who they were unable to invite due to number restrictions and would wish to come if anyone from the original invite list can’t make it.

This aunt and uncle (as I doubt it’s coming from the cousin) are essentially trying to force the bride and groom to uninvite someone who already received an invite and is an ongoing part of their life to make room for their daughter - who they have seen in about a decade and probably wouldn’t recognise if they bumped into her on the street and as far as we can tell will make no meaningful part of their future.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/01/2025 07:58

Going only by the opening post the hosts of the wedding should send a message to this Sister and her DH something like this:
"Hi Sis/Aunt/Name,
It's wonderful that you'll be travelling from Aus to come to the wedding of X and Y. As we're the hosts, we're sure you're aware that the numbers for the wedding are strictly limited and we can only have the named invitees attending the wedding. We will not be able to accommodate any one else in on the day so please don't try. It's just going to make things awkward and draw attention to yourselves when we ask you to leave but we trust that this won't happen. All the best and see you when you arrive, The Hosts of the Wedding"

I'm suggesting sending it from the hosts as they are the ones that are paying for the day. If it comes from a relation that isn't involved in paying for the day, there is the chance that they will still try.

I'd also have some people on the look out on the day for any extra guests that are not expected and have them tell these relations that they can't go to the reception if they're planning on bringing their daughter with them.

Just because they are travelling a very long way, does not give them the right to overrule the hosts of the wedding.

Mumoftwins78 · 21/01/2025 08:25

Rickrolypoly · 16/01/2025 15:00

It's one person. You are family. You haven't seen each other in years.

Seriously, why do weddings always end up being such a drama. Just invite her.

Can't invite one and not the rest that wouldn't be fair it's all or none. Different if it was a young child that they were having to bring with them.