Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

Exactly. The other cousins will be put out.

It was inappropriate of your DH to propose uninviting everyone, including your sister. Doing something like that is of an explosive, relationship ending scale, even if you are not particularly close.

The face to face chat that you had was a much better response. It would be nice if at all possible for the niece to be able to attend the ceremony (given she is hopeful) and perhaps with the limited budget / place numbers, she could spend the reception eating elsewhere in the building or nearby. Just because the cousins didn’t get on as children it doesn’t mean it must always remain thus.

Chances are you'd have a last minute dropout so one extra wouldn't make much difference.

You need to first establish if this information you recieved is true. I'd just pick up the phone and ask her.

If it is true I'd ask her why she would think it would be appropriate to just turn up with an extra guest, albeit my niece, without having the having the manners and respect to ask.

I think it's odd and rude thing to do just rocking up with additional people anyway but especially when you aren't that close.

My biggest issue would be the lack of respect and not asking first but it really is for your DD to decide.

You are being mean and unkind to your vulnerable niece. She seems to need to be with her parents. Just be glad your Dd is doing so well by comparison - and invite the poor thing!

But the venue has set numbers and they have already invited guests and are at max capacity. They would have to uninvite someone they actually want there, to accommodate someone they don’t. I imagine the aunt and uncle are only there because the bride’s parents want them there, I’m guessing the bride and groom would rather have someone else in their place if they could. Is that correct@Aussierelative ? Does your daughter even particularly want her aunt and uncle there? Or she doing it because she feels she has to? If so for the love of weddings don’t make her have the ghastly cousin too.

please invite her

@Sometimesright Because they are coming from Australia. Exceptional circumstances. Same if travelling from US .That's why .

Stop infantilising the woman. OP has said she has MH issues so still lives at home. She can be left alone. She might have anxiety or depression. There’s no reason for us to believe she has severe mental health issues that require constant care. She’s in her late 20s and it’s just really patronising for everyone to be insisting she should be invited just because she has a mental health diagnosis. No one is saying that about the aunts son

Invite who you want. Ignore everyone else. Families are never easy. But do not feel you have to invite one cousin. Totally irrespective of their situation as you will then feel obliged to invite all cousins. Just do what you want!

Sorry but I would invite the whole family, not just the parents as you're all part of it. Xx

@SouthLondonMum22 its not anybody its
her niece! God YOU people. Side eye

It is so bizarre to me.

They are your family, how could you not invite them? In this case, they're travelling from the other side of the world. I wouldn't bother. In this situation, I'd probably never speak to my 'Darling' sis again.

You can have workmates that you most probably won't speak to again when you change jobs, friends that you might fall out with, have your DH friends and family, but not accommodate your own niece or nephew?

It isn't OP's wedding, it is her daughters wedding. Her daughter isn't close to her and if any would be going, I imagine it would be the ones in England who are closer to her.

Just because it is OP's niece, doesn't mean she is automatically invited to the wedding.

Such a drama - a friend of mine appeared uninvited at our wedding. She normally lived in N. America and I didn't even know she was in the country! On the other hand, my SIL missed the train and never turned up so it all balanced out.
Seriously, if you know you niece has MH issues and can't be left alone make her welcome.

Is it possible they can't leave her if she has MH issues?

Then they don't come.

Yeah, I hear you. Once I'd read on i realised it's just not ok.

They’ve decided to make their life apart from the family for years but now want to be part of the fam because it suits them. I have the same with in laws kids.

If they only come over from Australia every few years then they are probably making a family holiday out of it, hence why daughter is coming. I've travelled to Australia a few times and they are not nice flights and it's expensive. I'd see if you can invite her, it seems mean not to.

You should invite her

Definitely this. Now DSis has mentioned if you DON'T say something to quash it that hope lives on. And by the time of the wedding, for a rude and entitled person such as her, it'll have morphed into you tacitly agreeing because they didn't hear to the contrary. Grasp the nettle, quick follow up text "Great to catch up earlier. Just wanted to clarify though that I'm afraid there definitely won't be space for DN at the wedding. There are so many cousins and sadly we can't fit any of them in. Sure you understand." Done.

Nobody's 'infantilising' anybody or being patronising and you have no idea what the DD's MH issues are or how severe they might be as the OP does not give details...🙁
Neither does she say that the DS has MH issues either, just that he's independent and no longer living with his parents so him needing to be brought along is not even a consideration so I don't know why you even mentioned him?🤔
I suggest you take a chill pill and climb down off your high horse... maybe allow others opinions space and consideration without making wild and unfounded accusations based on supposition?🙄

Why? Do the definitions of these words change when it’s around someone with MH issues?

More like a family who are thinking about the other cousins who aren’t invited, aren’t complaining, and deserve consideration for their understanding.