Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

What about DD’s other cousins and her DH’s cousins who are already here in the U.K. yet aren’t invited? Who they may feasibly be closer to.

A cousin coming all the way from Australia has to be included surely. Quite mean not to include the Australian cousin in the wedding. It’s times like these an exception needs to be made to the rule.

Also it might be positive for her mental health, being included in family celebrations

This.
why do you care so much if there’s one more?

Where did the rumour come from? If you have any grounds at all to believe it, you'd better call your sister and make it clear that the wedding arrangements do not allow for cousins. If the issue is that they don't want to leave your niece on her own in Aus, and as they're having to pay for her to travel they feel entitled to bring her with them to the wedding as well, then you'd better decide in advance whether you - or, more to the point your daughter and her fiance - would rather have all or none.

It could well be that they genuinely can't exclude her, but it is not reasonable - in fact it's a flaming liberty - for them to assume you'll be cool with niece tagging along regardless.

I've just realised my reaction stems from my SIL pulling a similar stunt on me. Thirty years ago. And I'm still livid.

All weddings in England and Wales MUST be open to the public as a condition of the venues licence regardless as to whether the ceremony is religious or civil.
But that is just the ceremony, you can turf them out of the reception if you want.

Speak to your sister and just say, "I'm just checking you're not planning on bringing your daughter or son. Numbers are limited and anyone who turns up uninvited will be turned away and asked to leave"

it's not THEIR wedding, they don't get to create their own guest list

Invite her. Don’t be so mean.

They were quite glad they did it in the end weren't they

Invite your niece! How mean otherwise. Unless you want to go NC with your sister.

Not if they knew she wasn’t invited when they booked the holiday.

I’m usually inclusive about weddings but it’s quite a small wedding and it’s a perfectly reasonable line to draw that uncles and aunts are invited but not cousins. All cousins. Including the one who’s trying to bounce an invite which is super rude.

Honestly who is being the self involved arsehole really?

the bride and groom.

Honestly why do people think everyone is so desperate to attend their wedding? People go to weddings to show up for the couple- usually at significant expense and inconvenience for themselves. The aunt is travelling all the way from Australia to be there for her niece, the least she can expect is that her family - the bride’s family - will be treated with some basic hospitality , consideration, manners and respect. In no other (non-western) culture in the world would this kind of anti social bs be tolerated.

It's the best thing they ever did.

OP I think you need to be very careful with this sort of reasoning. My disabled child has been excluded from events for reasons couched like this and it is always bollocks. They didn't want him there. They thought they were cleverly disguising it, but it is always totally transparent and extremely hurtful.

It's the very opposite of insightful, and potentially discriminatory and very hurtful, to hide behind an assumption that the disabled person doesn't want to come.

weddings are not about the family , they are only for the couple who gets married

It’s not even your wedding 😂 why are you getting so wound up? Think it’s pretty strange to invite friends but to make a big issue about her cousin who is unwell and probably relies on your sister.

Don't make the wedding about yourself, let the young people do what they want

But someone always drops out.

As an aside I've not been invited to weddings my parents were invited to and my son was not invited to a cousin's wedding - and not to his uncle's (second) wedding.

And 100 isn't a small wedding.

Very rude not to have invited the cousin given her parents are travelling from Oz and she lives with them due to mental health issues. Really poor form. Not right that she’s planning to gate crash either but your Dh and the wedding couple aren’t covering themselves in glory.

I do think it is odd to invite some people from a family and not others. have always found that an odd concept - unless you are going child free and the other family members are under 18.

Someone is so desperate to come they are considering gatecrashing all the way from Australia. DAunt could have declined if she didn’t want to come without her daughter.

DD could have stayed in Australia if she didn’t want to spend that day alone in the hotel on her own.

People get to choose who to invite to their wedding. It’s not a bqq in the back garden, there are limits to guest numbers

It’s the epitome of entitlement to expect someone to rearrange their wedding guest list for your family. A family I’m guessing the bride and groom wouldn’t miss if the they decide the invite doesn’t suit them

A family I’m guessing the bride and groom wouldn’t miss

Im sure if aunt thought / suspected this shes certainly wouldn’t bother for a moment.
some people are so into themselves they act like their wedding is the met gala.
Aunt is coming to show up for her niece.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree as to what is acceptable as we clearly have very different values

I do too but when it happened to my son (who wasn't a small child at the time) I got told on MN I was unreasonable for caring.

It’s the epitome of entitlement to expect someone to rearrange their wedding guest list for your family

But if you don't ask you don't get. My cousin asked if he could bring his two kids and I eventually had his daughter as my bridesmaid. Then I had my DH's niece too and a friend! I went from having none to three, six weeks before!

And I rearranged my guest list loads of times! To accommodate new people and because people dropped out.

People are acting as if the guest list is set in stone.

I’m sorry, we’d love to be able to invite all our friends and family but it’s just not feasible, and that’s meant some of DDs long term friends won’t be there, or any cousins.

Obviously there are sometimes last minute drop outs, and if that happens then niece would totally be someone we’d think of to fill a space.

Sentiment - tick
Hard to argue with - tick
Commitment - nope.

You might say that, but if they do that then why not the other cousins?
It sets a precedent.Also it’s only 60 people so that’s 29 people each. You take out bridesmaids/groomsman, best man,,parents and siblings both sides it soon whittles down space for their friends. Why should the bride have to dis- invite one of her close friends for a cousin she barely knows?
she isn’t invited end of!