Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

If you read that post more carefully you’d have noted the writer is ND with anxiety issues and finds big events overwhelming so avoids them. So was giving her own perspective.

That doesn’t cover everyone with anxiety however it seems to be the sister not the niece lobbying for an invite so we don’t even know if DN wants to come or whether the mother is simply keen even pressuring her to be included.

Seems like this has become more about the fact that you and DH think that they are taking advantage as opposed to simple practicality. Realistically how much difference does one more person make. Also if you uninvite them and it turns out that they were not bringing their DD how would you feel

100%

I think you are awful and don’t know the meaning of the word family

That’s not the point! The point is she is not invited! You do not crash a wedding! Why should the bride drop one of her friends to have a cousin she doesn’t even get on with there! Also the brides father is allowed to have an opinion why should he not? It’s his daughter’s wedding!

But the sister does? Thinking she can just bring along whoever she likes when they haven't been invited?

Again, the writer of the post was ND with an anxiety disorder and giving a personal perspective.

You say you hope this does not cause bad feeling. It is however completely within your power to insure there is no bad feeling and you know things could be awkward with your sister and brother in law if you don’t invite your niece.
just invite her.

What a presumptuous and stigmatising post. We know nothing of the niece other than she has “MH issues” and her mother would like her to be included. Having mental health issues does not automatically prevent a person from enjoying / behaving appropriately at a wedding

Well said!!!

It isn't OP's wedding or decision.

Surely someone won't show. If she comes she comes.

I wholeheartedly agree

A lot of people are assuming the niece "can’t be left alone" or has behavioural problems. We don’t know that at all, or that she "woukdnt be able to cope" with a wedding. If she feels she can’t cope she can always say so and refuse the invitation!

The poor girl might, for instance, be subject to depression. Perhaps she hasn’t got many friends and would welcome reconnecting with family. Plenty of twenty-somethings live with their parents, and it’s not at all surprising for her to want to join in an exciting, maybe once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

OP: what if you had known that the family were coming to the UK for a holiday visit, and to see family, before the wedding invitations had been decided. Would you really have still invited just two of the three?

I understand about the other cousins but this is exceptional circumstances. Your daughter and her husband could have a party and invite them, or just arrange to meet up, any time, and if the cousins or their parents held a grudge about it they would be being ridiculously unkind and petty. As, I’m afraid, you and your daughter will look if you don't invite her cousin.

Naif here- as a side note, if 100 people altogether, counting evening party, is a small wedding, how many is a big one?

This is petty beyond belief

The terms gatecrashing and shoehorning are quite mean when used about someone with MH . Arrange an extra meal ( in the scheme of things the cost can’t be that prohibitive surely ? ) and if they turn up with the daughter just be surprised but gracious . Don’t let this hiccup spoil the day and if other cousins complain it’s not your problem really . The general heading with weddings is “get out unscathed”

It isn't mean. Turning up to somewhere you're not invited to is gatecrashing. Someone with MH still knows that.

If you knew that your DN had MH issues and still lived at home then, if you wanted your sister to be at the wedding, the kind and obvious thing to do would have been to say that it was fine for her to come in the first place!! 🙄If any of the other DN's complained about favouritism then you could explain the situation, and if they can't accept that reason then they didn't deserve to be at the wedding anyway!! 😌

I think you are all behaving very precious, A family who lack compassion and understanding.

Exactly. It isn’t worth putting cousins (and their parent’s) noses out of joint who actually live in the same country.

They have had to make decisions based on budget, wedding style etc and it’s nice that your daughter invited your sister and her husband to their wedding given they have almost no relationship but it’s taking the piss to expect your daughter and her husband to be to be guilted into inviting someone she barely knows and doesn’t like!

Grow a spine op and tell your sister no.

Sorry that message was meant for the OP...

How does this work with the limit of 60 people then? I suppose it can't be enforced?
Or fire regulations?
I suppose the last person to arrive might be refused?

OMG how did this happen? Surely without an invitation there is no ambiguity

I agree: it's your DD's and her fiance's decision. I understand it may be an uncomfortable situation for you, but I think you should speak candidly with your sister and explain the situation.
If I were your sister and couldn't let my daughter behind, I wouldn't come to the wedding and excuse myself.

If the OP is helping to pay for the wedding then I think she should be persuading the bride to be to put this niece as No 1 on the reserve list. If anyone drops out (almost inevitably will happen). then the niece gets to attend. People often assume that guests will be willing to comply with whatever demands the bride and groom make, that can be a big mistake. One friend of mine had to send 10 late invites because as soon as they excluded +1s from some friends all the friends refused the invitations.