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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

405 replies

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:11

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

OP posts:
Movingforwards123 · 21/01/2025 17:47

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 23:15

Yep exactly!

I don’t expect gifts or cards from my children (though DD has never missed a birthday or Mother’s Day even though she’s been travelling in the middle of nowhere during some of those). DS hasn’t gotten us gifts or cards since he left home. Obviously I don’t really care about getting gifts from him but I feel bad for upsetting his GF but it was genuinely an oversight as the dynamic isn’t there and we really don’t know her well despite trying.

Show quote history

Oh lord you deffinatley deffinatley favour your daughter over your son “feel bad for upseting his gf” “really dont know her well despite trying” classic ‘woe is me I do my best’ 🙈🙄

SezFrankly · 22/01/2025 21:35

No. It’s unreasonable to make no effort to be part of someone’s life and then think they’ll lavish gifts upon you. DS & GF are discovering how karma works. You get what you put in.

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 22/01/2025 22:37

Quinlan · 15/01/2025 22:18

Didn’t you just say, “We’ve never met her because she was too busy and tired when we were there. Maybe she should do better. We can’t buy a gift for someone we don’t know and who won’t make any effort to meet us.”

I’d want to say that.

I'd want to say this too.
If my son text me saying "do better" we'd also have a problem!

CosyLemur · 22/01/2025 23:48

SpryUmberZebra · 21/01/2025 13:02

You do realize this social anxiety claim has just been made up on mumsnet right? Even her son is not claiming his GF has social anxiety but you’re all running with it on mumsnet 😂 someone suggested maybe she has social anxiety and that’s it you’re all accepting it as diagnosis and claiming she is being punished for having social anxiety lol

And no her daughter is not fully dependent on him, another made up story on mumsnet and now you’re trying to claim her BF is more involved because he is abusive or controlling 😅

DD and her BF have just been travelling/on a gap year together, DD graduated summer 2023. Now DD is doing postgrad training so we are paying for her fees and rent, she is living with her boyfriend who works full time and she will have part time work.

And you ignore that OP went to where the GF and her DS live and was there for 2 whole weeks but I guess her social anxiety stopped her from even saying hello.

Give it a rest, her son has agreed his GF was unreasonable and they have sorted things out, stop making things up.

Edited
Show quote history

You also ignore the fact that OP says that whenever her daughter facetimes her the BF is there.

You've also ignored the fact that OP said she loved her son's ex-gf and is still in contact.

And everyone is ignoring the fact that none of this has actually come from the GF directly and only through the son. Maybe the son doesn't want his parents meeting his GF because of how involved they seem to get.
Maybe the gf didn't keep cancelling but maybe it was the son and also maybe the gf couldn't give 2 shits about presents but the son is pissed off with is sister clearly being the favourite?

Emsmum25 · 23/01/2025 16:08

I think you should have asked DS what hid git friend likes and bought a small gift or a gift card from her favourite shop just to a knowledge her as part of your son's life - I asked my daughter what her boyfriend likes even though I have only met him a handful of times - they are away at uni but came to see me on Christmas eve and bought me gifts from both of them.

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