To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Your son was a shit for telling you to do better, but it sounds like his GF is pulling his strings. I can't get past having the nerve to complain about not getting a gift when she couldn't make time to meet you.

This is a ridiculous suggestion. DS's GF hasn't ever bothered to give OP the time of day, why suggest that she creeps up GF's arse and apologise for not getting her a birthday gift? GF is a CF for expecting one, and DS sounds like he's already under her thumb.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say your not unreasonable at all.
I would not buy a gift for someone that cannot be bothered to put in the effort to even met with me.
A relationship is two people making a effort not one person over compensating for the laziness of the other party.
If she just demands a gift because she is your sons GF I would be telling her that this works both ways and her entitled ass should DO BETTER.
This would actually really annoy me personally.

Use to be that the GF/BF had to impress the potential inlaws now it seems you are just suppose to pander to their every whim incase you don't get to see your grand kids or their feelings get hurt.

Regardless of not know DS gf better this still sends the wrong message and if it were to continue could look like favouratism which could in turn affect not only your relationship with DS but also the relationship he has with DD and her bf.

Of course DD and her DP are the favoured couple.

Ds and the stranger aren't exactly making themselves likable are they?

Maybe it they want to be treated equally they should put in the same effort.

I see where you were coming from but I do think you're in the wrong here.

Although mine are younger (older teens) I treat their GF / BF equally despite knowing one more than the other. And I'll always do that.

I see it as respecting their relationships not about my relationship with them. It's not about me.

OP 's adult son has never bought his own mother a birthday present or even a card! And yet he judges her for not buying a present (at less than 24 hours notice) for his girlfriendwho cancelled on every attempt that OP made to meet her and get to know her?

No, OP did not have to treat someone she's never met, equally to her daughter's partner, who has made the effort to get to know her, and who is friendly and warm.

Fair enough. I agree the son doesn't sound great here. If I had a problem with my son I'd raise it with him. But I personally can't make a difference between the partners. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs in this case but in our case I'm not going to make a difference because one is more gregarious than the other.

As I said, I see where the op was coming from I just wouldn't do the same.

GF is rude being tired and busy. son is rude telling you to do better.

My son met a lady and she traveled a really long way to spend a few days with him before Christmas. I sent a few food treats to share together as I wanted her to feel welcome even though I didn't meet her. My son sent photos of them together. She sent a message saying thank you and she did feel welcome. He is going to see her soon and she loved one of the treats so I've bought more for him to take to her.

I woke in the basis that this new person might be their forever person so doesn't help to be welcoming.

Any friend of theirs is welcome here.

My inlaws do this to me (I’m GF in this situation) and it doesn’t feel good.

your son nailed it, do better

@7ft1garysson would you expect presents from in-laws you have refused to meet or speak to? Maybe you should do better

Have you read all of the OP 's posts?

If you relate to the GF in this situation. Then good on your in laws for not pandering to your Bratishness.

Do better!

Wot a cheeky sod.

As my mum used to say to us when we got pompous - “listen you - I gave you LIFE.’

She’s entitled to her hurt feelings but not sure how she squares actually expressing her unmet expectation of free stuff to people who traveled a great distance but that she couldn’t be arsed to meet in person one single time in an entire fortnight cos she was tired. Ha, nope, no fucking way, nice try.

Ah whoops, I see he’s apologised, good, hope she likes her handcream set 😂

I hope you and your son make it up soon, I'm sure you feel so upset about it.
I think one thing that has come out of this whole thread is get rid of that damn WhatsApp group that was the cause of all this in the first place!

This.

This also.

So, if I have read correctly, your son and his girl friend moved in together in December.
The blow-up about the girl friend's lack of birthday present occurred on 15th January.
The OP posted on the 16th Jan (page 5) that:
"She has part-time work lined up and we are covering the fees and her half of the rent /bills."
Have I misunderstood that you are financially supporting her now? If so, why?
As an aside as an outsider, I am not very impressed by your son. A history of not giving cards or presents though receiving them. "He will talk our ear off about himself." He sounds monumentally self-absorbed! Fingers crossed he and his girl friend split up and your son will go through a final maturity spurt!

It's not about me.

Well, it is about OP, because her son doesn’t even acknowledge OP’s birthday with a card, yet he expects presents for his girlfriend who failed to attend FOUR times when OP and her DH tried to meet her for dinner.

It sounds like the girlfriend should make an effort to do better but of course it never works both ways.

OP said her daughter’s boyfriend will be supporting her:

He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.

Unpopular opinion clearly, but I don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. Anyone who expects a gift from someone they’ve never actually met or made an effort to get to know, in the name of “fairness” is needing a reality check. Some things in life just “aren’t fair” and this is one of them. You personally know your daughter’s boyfriend more so that’s the end of it. If you had met the girlfriend and excluded her then that would be unreasonable.
Also think all the comments talking about the mil/dil dynamic and how you’ll not see future grandchildren are out of line. Anyone who throws a tantrum over something like this needs to get a grip.

I think you have misunderstood.

DS and his GF don’t live together, they both have full time jobs and we aren’t funding either of them.

DD and her BF have just been travelling/on a gap year together, DD graduated summer 2023. Now DD is doing postgrad training so we are paying for her fees and rent, she is living with her boyfriend who works full time and she will have part time work.

Reading your replies, I think you refuse to accept anything other than being in the right. You can’t get one and not the other. It doesn’t matter if she / he buys you gifts, you’re the parent. It seems you favour your daughter’s relationship over your sons. Your son is obviously serious about this girl, and good on him for standing up for her!
As someone else said, you will be on here in a few years moaning your son doesn’t visit with your grandchildren.