To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

If I were you OP I would be giving your son space to grow up and build a relationship with this GF. I wouldn’t tolerate the way he has spoken to you and I wouldn’t be buying GF a present until she starts interacting with the family.

She probably wasnt even aware that the boyfriend had already met the parents, she was probably under the mindset of what so great about him and not me? After she understood that the parents had already met the bf she calmed down and understood a little bit better.

Again. Pretty thick then and suffering from a center of the universe situation.

Not Isle I'd be cahising a relationship if I were OP.

i dont think theres any need for name calling the girl…

Then don't do it.

Why would they know what’s so great about her? She flaked out of meeting them 4 times.

Then he’s a cheeky git!!

You did, you’ve called her thick, twice.

I know. Because I want to.
If you don't think it there's any need then don't do it.

Awh thanks for the advice , I wont, don’t want to come across as an extremely unpleasant person :)

Same! I would find it very strange to not even be introduced to parents after a whole year, barring extenuating circumstances!

Also to people on this thread: you know you can create new family WhatsApp groups in 30 seconds? You can even have one for the core family and one for the extended stragglers that you can delete when they exit stage right ;) It's hardly a commitment...

Yeah. This is where we disagree. Bf met oop on person. Gf cancelled meeting 4 times. Bf lives with daughter. Gf doesn't live with son. So already a different seriousness. Yeah it is easier for the bf to have a chat compare to gf. But I wouldn't expect gf to start calling op. But we shall agree to disagree and I'll embrace being a future mil from hell

You do realize this social anxiety claim has just been made up on mumsnet right? Even her son is not claiming his GF has social anxiety but you’re all running with it on mumsnet 😂 someone suggested maybe she has social anxiety and that’s it you’re all accepting it as diagnosis and claiming she is being punished for having social anxiety lol

And no her daughter is not fully dependent on him, another made up story on mumsnet and now you’re trying to claim her BF is more involved because he is abusive or controlling 😅

DD and her BF have just been travelling/on a gap year together, DD graduated summer 2023. Now DD is doing postgrad training so we are paying for her fees and rent, she is living with her boyfriend who works full time and she will have part time work.

And you ignore that OP went to where the GF and her DS live and was there for 2 whole weeks but I guess her social anxiety stopped her from even saying hello.

Give it a rest, her son has agreed his GF was unreasonable and they have sorted things out, stop making things up.

Exactly, someone suggested maybe she had social anxiety and I’ve now seen a few posters taking it as an official diagnosis and accusing OP of punishing her for having social anxiety, ridiculous.

And DS GF couldn’t easily have gone to one of the 4 dinner reservations they had over a 2 week period to say hello……..

OP doesnt really know why gf cancelled though. Could be many, many reasons, does not mean that she is automatically a lazy half arsed gf as has also been suggested and it also does not mean that DD’s bf is a better person.

Fair but it’s hard to see what it is over 2 weeks and if there was a valid reason then it’s up to DS and GF to communicate better.

She could have spoken to OP on the phone, sorry I couldn’t meet you in person but I wanted to say hi, and I look forward to meeting you in the future etc not just silence but somehow she expects OP to know her and what she likes and her birthday and get her a gift.

She could have, OP could also have held off buying DD’s bf a gift knowing full well that they did not get DS’s gf a gift to keep things equal for this year at least. But she didn’t, she decided to make a difference and here we all are debating about it 😂

Why would she hold off buying DDs BF a gift because DSs GF can’t be bothered to meet them . You’re really putting the GF on a special pedestal aren’t you?

She is not treating them differently, she is treating them based on the relationship she has with them.

Treating them differently is when you have the same relationship with both of them and you treat one differently, not when you have a strong relationship with one and you’ve never even met the other one because she can’t be bothered to meet or know you yet she expects gifts from you. Do you think DSs GF would have gotten OP a gift for her birthday or is this just an expectation from OP to pacify GF?

You bought your DD's boyfriend a present because you like him. She didn't even bother to meet you.

I would hardly say op has a strong relationship with dd’s bf just because he says hi 😂. No idea if DS’s gf would have gotten OP a birthday present couldn’t possibly comment, I just know what I would do in that situation… i give because i want, not because i expect people to treat me a certain way or give gifts in return 🤷🏻‍♀️ you don’t do for people to give back, you do because you want to..

I might be completely wrong but I suspect it is significant that she is your sons GF whereas he is your daughters BF.
A lot of women struggle because their sons partner is never going to be good enough for their little soldier whereas they find it easier to accept their daughters partner because they don’t evoke the same jealous feelings.
I’ll put my hard hat on now in preparation for the passionate denials from MNetters with grown up sons

I'm not that great at getting birthday presents for people, my parents aside. Obviously I bought my 4dc birthday presents growing up but once they left university I have been a bit lax. As you can image I am even worse with bfs! In fact I don't think I bought either SiL a present before they married my dds. I don't get bad vibes from them so hopefully they don't think I'm the mil from hell. Dd1's mil is always buying her presents (probably to compensate for me). Even now some years they get a present other years not - don't think I bought dd2's dh one last year but have bought dd1's dh.

This is why ive been defending DS’s partner so much, it is 100% the vibe OP is giving out, she has highlighted what she perceives to be bad qualities in DS’s gf so much so she has made her out to be a bad person on a mumsnet forum, and DD’s partner has been made out to be a saint.

Think there is definitely something in this