To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

MIL?
at the point you and others think OP should have bought her a present, she was his girlfriend of 8 months, ffs.
I've got pasta in my cupboard I've had longer than that.
Not to mention the fact that the DS now appears to be seeing the light regarding this girl and she'll be lucky to make it to the 1 year anniversary, let alone a wedding.

OP should not have gifted DDs partner a birthday gift knowing full well that they did not give DS’s partner a birthday gift. She did not throw a tantrum because they did not give her a gift, she was upset because OP had treated her differently and what a horrible way to find out! Not nice at all and OP has potentially made things very awkward.

Actually OP has made things awkward, not just potentially…

Don't be so daft
She has a lovely independent relationship with him and wanted to show that with a lovely heartwarming gift.

The stranger who hasn't bothered to even come and see her when she was visiting doesn't even factor in and ahs no right to throw a strop.

She is different. She's a stranger and OP has no relationship with her.
She's got as much of a relationship with her as DS one night stands. Do they all get to demand a gift?

I hope she carries on. They should both be ashamed.

But she’s her Son’s partner. Each to their own but I could never imagine making a difference like that at all for whatever selfish reason, it stinks of favouritism and pettiness. “He’s been nice so he gets a gift”
“Not met her so not getting a gift.” And again she did not demand a gift, there was no mention of “wanting a gift” after her birthday, she only got upset and probably extremely confused that DD’s partner got a gift, again showing blatant favouritism. I assume OP loves her son and daughter equally and should be reflected in the way she treats their partners….

Me too

She's a woman who decided not to make a single shred of effort.
She's no one to them.
If she can make the effort to get upset then she needs her head wobbled.
She is a rude little madam.

Not doing well making a good impression is she?

What rubbish, she’s so socially awkward to even say hello to them over a 2 week period lol.

It’s ridiculous to expect someone shes never met and who doesn’t even really know her to get her presents based on a made up excuse that’s she’s socially awkward. Relationships take two, she doesn’t get to keep them at arms length and not give a shit about them but expect gifts. They didn’t even know when her birthday was until a day or so to her birthday.

And you trying justify her sons speaking to his mother like that because his GF who doesn’t give a shit about meeting or knowing his parents is upset she didn’t get a gift for her birthday is absolutely rubbish. Do you think the GF was planning to get anyone in the family gifts for their birthdays? She never even said happy birthday to DDs BF, yeah what a gem.

The same DS that doesn’t care about getting anyone in his family gifts for their birthdays, who doesn’t care that his GF can’t be bothered to meet his family is now upset that his GF is upset and he is so rude that his parents. Says a lot more about GF that she is pushing her BF to react and try to pacify her by insulting his own family because she didn’t get a gift, she can move on and go find that family that will pander to her and get her all the gifts and treat her like a princes despite the fact they will never meet her or know her.

Hopefully her son’s new partner will show more interest in meeting and know OP. She already said she was close to his ex but this new GF stays away and does at wants anything to do with her. You can see her relationship with her DDs BF, he makes an effort and it’s reciprocated not princess madam who can’t be bothered.

No one to them but is a part of the families whatsapp group 🙈 I’m just trying to put myself in OP’s position. Would I buy my son’s gf who is an important part of his life a birthday gift despite not knowing her and her being too tired too meet us? Yes, yes I 100% would because I love my son and anyone who is important to him is important to me, im also not petty like that. Shes obviously not a short term fling if shes been added to the family whatsapp and has been around for more than a few months

it's a whats app group nothing more.
Important but not important enough to meet them.....

It's not petty.
It's common sense that relationships are based upon actual.....relationships.

I'm sorry but you're backing the wrong horse here - your DD's boyfriend moved in after less than a year, is always around when you facetime your daughter and has said he'll financially support her for several years, so that she's fully dependent on him! That's giving me all the red flags with neon flashing lights on them!

Also I think it's disgusting that you're essentially punishing your son and girlfriend because she has social anxiety!

Exactly this! OP is essentially punishing her own son and favouring her daughter just because her partner is “such a nice boy”.

it stinks of favouritism and pettiness. “He’s been nice so he gets a gift”
“Not met her so not getting a gift.”

I don't think there is any pettiness but it is totally fair to favour one child's partner that you have a relationship with over the other that you've never met.

Where do you get "social anxiety " from @CosyLemur? Chances are she's just rude.

Actually chances are that the son has told her how perfect his mother thinks it's ex was and how perfect she thinks his sisters boyfriend is.

Honestly I wouldn't want to meet them either! And it was the son doing all the cancelling not the GF!

Ah so you made it up. Gotcha!

Glad to read this OP.
He was very very rude and it does sound as if he is self absorbed.
His GF sounds like a piece of work.

I think the WhatsApp grouping is a bit intense but you do you.
You sound like lovely supportive parents to both your children.
Unfortunately some adult males are very self absorbed and him not doing any gifts but expecting them is a huge indicator of this.
Mean of lazy, whatever it is, it wouldn't do any harm to point this out.

Selfish husbands invariably have been reared thatcway, not being called out enough on their selfishness.
Good luck.

It really does though, the only reason that theyve met daughters boyfriend is that they live together so it is very easy for him to walk over to the camera phone to wave and say hi when OP does ring. Its just not nice at all.

She couldn't be bothered to make the effort to meet you over a span of 2 weeks but expects a gift for her birthday that girls insane , maybe your son should be telling her to do better

You can't expect gifts off someone you can't be arsed to meet if she can't be bothered to put any effort in why should they entitlement at its finest

4 cancellations is a lot when parents are visiting.
I would take it that she thought it too much too soon and take my cue from there.

Getting really upset at people you have never met despite having 4 opportunities when they were in the area, for not buying you a birthday gift, is a bit rich.

Total red flag behaviour for me.

She wasnt expecting a gift, she didnt say anything at all when she initially did not recieve one at the time of her birthday, not a single complaint. She only got upset when she saw that the boyfriend of DD got one and probably thought, what??

My mother in law still does this buy expensive gifts for SIL and nothing for me just because I am DIL.The SIL is treated differently than me just because he is with her daughter.I find this unfair.I don't talk to my MIL or FIL not does my husband 🙃 End of the story.

Which makes her pretty thick really doesn't it? Consider they've met the BF and not met her.