To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

No matter the relationship you've got to do all or nothing. Unfair to gift one and not the other, whether a voucher or something else. Xx

I agree with @rightoguvnor here.

Your DD's BF seems to be doing all the right "socialising" things in communicating with you & connections have been made.

Your DS's GF, on the other hand, deliberately seems to have put herself on the 'missing list' in the 2weeks when you could have met & got to know her.

I get a sense that she's not a 'keeper'. Let DS deal with it.

I wouldn't be impressed with a child of mine telling me/us to 'do better'.
Suspicious amount of defensiveness going on.

Don't feel guilty. Wait it out.

Really? She couldn’t be bothered to make any effort to see you at all? Sounds like a drama queen. When she makes the effort so can she.

And don’t take that attitude from your son - that was awful what he texted to you. Like a teacher to a naughty student. Tell your son she needs to decide if she wants to be part of your family. They aren’t married just a GF of a year!

What an absolutely dreadful thing for your son to have said “do better”.That would have been the end of the conversation for me and neither of the two entitled brats would have been getting anything next year. Noone should be demanding gifts from you.

i am even more outraged on your behalf now I know he doesn’t send gifts.

He will have an easier life with a more compatible woman. #It’s clear they are having issues. The first year or dating should be fun! And happy times! He is stuck in a shit relationship. He needs to man up and think for himself.

Yep . Cant see this relationship in for the long haul .

If the gf is close enough to make it to family chat it is quite mean for her to see you getting a gift for your daughter's bf and not her.

Although I understand you feel closer to DD's bf I would have put my feelings aside and got both presents. Both are partners of your DC of a year and could potentially become a permanent member of your family and as pp said she could be the mother of grandchildren. By getting your DD's bf a present and not your son's gf you have created a division that your DS and his gf have picked up on. It's just easier in the long run to treat them both equally and therefore DS will feel like he is being treated equally to his sister. Less drama all round.

That's absolutly ridiculous. Gift giving is based on relationships.
These are adults. Not children. If you want the type of realtionship on which you receive gifts you need to first actually meet the people and make some effort.

And if you were her DS you should also do better to build the relationship between your GF and your parents not play games while she can’t be bothered to meet your parents but somehow gets upset that she doesn’t get a gift for her birthday.

the same DS never buys gifts for anyone, is his GF planning to buy a gift for OP when it’s her birthday or is it just a one way street of expectations? Make sure you get me gifts and other things but stay away from me, I don’t really want to know you…..

I agree and that’s another reason why adding them to a group chat makes no sense. So when the relationship ends they will remove GF from the group then what? Add his new GF to the group after a few months?

It makes absolutely no sense having a group chat with your kids and their BF and GF at this stage, if they are in long term relationships, married etc yes that’s fine not early BF, GF stage.

From reading some the comments and your replies. The only way I think and can explain it is the difference of how you see your DS girlfriend and the way you see your DD’s BF is entirely down to the way your children communicate with you. You DS girlfriend may have genuinely been unable to meet you when you were up and your son may not have communicated to you very well and probably not communicated to his GF very well or possibly with enough notice that you were visiting.

Take it from me, I wanted nothing more than to fit into my husbands family (mil has no daughters) and have been vilified as have the other gf’s now wives and sadly all 3 of her sons have distanced themselves. Her view is extremely depressing and closed she always quotes the saying “ a son is a son until he takes a wife” my answer is no!! I am not taking her place (that’s just weird!) I am my husbands partner not his mother. And sadly she has poor contact with her grandchildren. I have stopped trying to impress her and be accepted as it was soul destroying and with that so has my husband.

Don’t make that mistake because your son will not see and think about how nice it is having mother and daughter shopping trips etc etc and would not think to say to his GF oh wouldn’t it be nice for us to visit and have some time with my parents etc etc and why don’t you and my mum take a day shopping and have some lunch. It may be a bit of work on your part to communicate that with her. Maybe now you have a group WhatsApp you could suggest a meal out with DS and his gf (without DD and BF?) this way you can see if it is just poor communication from your son.
and if you get to do a day out with DS gf don’t invite DD to the first few. Have them separate at first then mix it up.

My sister had the most amazing relationship with her mil ( which I always thought would just be a given when growing up, sister is a bit older than me). I really wish I could have had that relationship rather than the ‘you will never be good enough for my precious boy’ 🙁

It’s hard to justify that she was unable to see them for 2 weeks and she is also on the group chat and never communicates or interacts so I think OP has given opportunity for her to get to know them.

Yes I agree that the way her son communicates also plays a part in it but the GF also doesn’t seem to be interested in building a relationship.

And while your MIL sounds like a lot of work I haven’t got the same vibe from OP and you can see that she has a better relationship with her DD BF who makes the effort and she took the time to get something he likes. DS GF does not get to play the standoff GF yet expect to be treated with thoughtful gifts etc when she has never even met them or made the effort.

First off I have not said she gets to be stand off girlfriend and expect gifts.

Secondly I’m sure if my MIL was on here posting you wouldn’t get the ‘same vibe’ as she is very good at playing a victim and playing people off against each other. She managed to stop her sons communicating with each other by playing them off one another. But also there are several sides to the story, mine, my husbands, mil etc etc. my husband never sent his mum bday cards etc and I would have to remind him until I got fed up with it. Although I and he never expect gifts from her nor anyone else to be fair. But I wasn’t commenting on that part as there was so much else written. And no DS was rude to say “do better next time”.

Most on here do not know each other. There is no suggestion that I am saying she is like my mother in law I have suggested not to make decisions on someone based on her son’s communication. No one on here knows why she GF truly cancelled (how do we know that there was not something said to GF on video calls or feedback from DS to his GF - we don’t know) apart from DS and his GF and they are not on here to speak up for themselves. We do not even know if DS even actually wanted his GF to meet them, or if she has a lot of anxiety about meeting them. Did she cancel to OP personally or was this via DS? Or what DS had told his GF about his parents . Sooo many factors and soo many alternatives that we will never know.

All I am suggesting is to work out if it is DS communication to GF well by utilising the WhatsApp group and inviting so GF can hear/see the invite rather than via the DS route. The reason I suggest leaving DD out for a bit is that bond OP has with DD is strong and would make it a little harder for GF and OP to get to know each other. If GF does not make effort or sulks then on her head be it!

Even if they do not stay together as a couple there are so many points OP can learn from this. Her DD may naturally want her BF to be loved by her parents and will be reminding her BF a lot, whereas a lot of guys (not all) don’t actually think about the relationships of his mother and GF until it goes wrong and some (not all just bury their heads in sand) and again some (not all) like their mum and partners to fight for their affection. Like some but not all women.

All of our comments are based one persons question and her side of a story and her wanting outside perspectives. If she wanted the simple oh you are sooo not being unfair your DS girlfriend, she sounds cheeky then she would have spoke to her DD or DH.

I think your only mistake here is adding a girlfriend (of less than a year) that hasn’t moved in with your son yet and that you haven’t met, into the family chat.

Effectively, you picked favourites. It’s not really about the gf/bf, it’s about how your children feel seen and valued, regarding who is special to them. You just showed your son that he/who he loves, is less important.

Your son is right. Do Better.

Why do you even have to ask? Yes YABU. And quite cruel IMO.

You haven't bothered reading the thread or OP 's updates, have you?

Why do you have to quote the OP when the rest of us posees the intelligence to understand if your commenting on a thread its about that thread

Putting us through that is quite cruel imo.

Yes it's unreasonable, you have to treat them the same. Your son's girlfriend will feel as though you don't like her. If you don't know what to buy her either buy something generic or ask your son

Thirded. It’s ridiculous. I agree a big communal WhatsApp group with boyfriends of girlfriend you barely know is a bit much.

I’ve never in my life felt entitled to a present from anyone- let alone someone I barely know. It wouldn’t occur to me to be offended in the circumstances you describe (saw something and thought of you type present) and certainly not when you’ve already given a very generous Christmas present to a concert.

DS GF can also make an effort to know them since she expects gifts from them. They travelled over to where DS and GF live and stayed for 2 weeks and she collect even make time to say hello.

She’s on the group chat and never interacts with them but hey how dare you not buy me a gift even if you’ve never met me, don’t know me, don’t even know my birthday but I demand and deserve a gift from you.

What's with this DS and DD, what the hell does it mean?

This really.
Without saying it but politely saying perhaps when we visit next time, she can come meet us and let us know a bit more about her.
It's not sounding great as she sounds 'entitled'.
Who expects gifts after dating someone a year from their partners parents anyway and why on earth are they on a family group chat. Mind you you can't change that now as would be awkward.