To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

This. ⬆️

Agree.
I'm getting "enmeshed family" vibes.

As someone who has been treated differently to my other SILs in all aspects, I can tell you it really sucks. I've had years of being treated unfairly by my MIL for reasons I don't understand. I've tried so hard even if that meant me going against my own beliefs just to please her and keep the peace. All she's done is push her son away as he has seen firsthand how she has treated me differently to her other sons wives. It's isolating. I am now resentful due to never being able to do the right thing and everyone else can't put a foot wrong.

Not that it matters or is relevant anymore and it’s why I stopped replying for the most part but DS and I had a long conversation, he was very apologetic and admitted that he never expected us to get a gift for her. He also told me that the relationship is tense and he is unsure if it will last much longer.

A quick voucher by email would have been a wise idea.
yes she should have made the effort to see you, I’d have wanted to meet my BF parents. However I think you need to be the bigger people here.

So your situation is entirely different from that of the girlfriend in this situation, who had made no effort whatsoever, and has cancelled (because she's tired) every time that OP has made attempts to welcome her by inviting her to a meal.

I'm sorry about your situation, but as you've explained it, it's very different.

We’ve decided as a large family that unless living together or engaged partners are not added to group chats! Much easier. Good luck and I’m not surprised by your update

No need to be sorry. Our situation is fine. I think it's down to one being much quieter. I am fond of a less sociable craitur. And I admit I may have a tendency to project that on to things I read here!

Any time I read about the standoffish DIL I think ah now, let's not judge her too harshly she's probably just socially awkward. 😆

She can have a present AND a crapload of benefit of the doubt from me.

Glad to see your son has come to his senses. He was being ridiculous before, both him and the the gf. I’m sure your dd won’t post anything like that again next time on the group chat, either.
You handled it very well. Hopefully you’ll get to know the gf well too, in time.

Even if he doesn’t now expect a gift for her, he clearly did throw a tantrum about her not getting a gift.

I wonder if he would have been as quick to apologise if his relationship wasn’t going badly.

My 2 SIL's are like chalk and cheese. One's half Chinese, the other half Arab (muslim) but they both love my dds and treat them well - and are wonderful fathers. They are all going on holiday together next week for the first time which should be interesting. I do try and treat them equally.

Exactly what i would have said

"Do better" would grind my gears, so rude and immature frankly.

And yes, if they want you to care enough to remember her birthday and buy presents then they should ensure she is part of your lives and behaves like a member of the family. I think it pretty absurd to expect someone you have never met to send a gift or even remember that it is your birthday .

Hope you're told him that relationships shouldn't be tense, they should be fun, especially this early on! Glad he's coming to his senses.

Brattishness? The way I relate to the gf is that they have clear favouritism towards SIL, BIL and their children.

I originally thought MIL was a little bit emotionally stunted, when my husband and I got engaged, she didn’t show any excitement, I tried to include her and my SIL in the planning etc but she didn’t show any enthusiasm. Fine, she’s just not that way inclined. That’s what I thought until SIL got engaged, got pregnant, got their first house, I’ve never seen so much gushing, even forgetting that she had her first grandchild when saying in a facebook post, so excited to become a Grandma when SIL had her first baby.

I decided for my own peace and MH to take a step back. So if doing that makes me a brat then so fucking be it. I’m protected myself

This is what I would have replied to your DS - you don't 'do' cards or presents yourself, but expect us to send one to your girlfriend who couldn't find time in 2 weeks when you had travelled to see DS to meet you? His do better would have got short shrift too.
That said - I would have got her a present - because she is important to my son or not got a present for the DD boyfriend.

My fil puts £20 in my card bless him and my mil doesn't buy me anything
After 29 years but I always make the effort, but if i seen a video like the one you describe as actively involved as a dil I think i would be hurt , but had i not made the effort then it would never of fazed me, my personal opinion, but in your case , you are in the right, I don't think you did anything wrong , I have actually gone all out for one dil and she was like yours always busy had no time for us , so I won't make that mistake again , where my other dil's i know and get on with and nobody gives to recieve but they give me their time and that is a gift.

I find it really weird the amount of people saying it's "too early" to be in a family group whatsapp for the DD's partner, despite them living together and having met the family (so a fairly established, committed relationship), yet OP is at fault for not buying a birthday present for someone who, at that time, had only been seeing their DS for barely 8 months, whom they had never met, and when they didn't know it was her birthday until the day before!

I would find being in a whatsapp group far lower on the close relationship scale than buying someone a present.

I'm on whatsapp groups with colleagues I barely know, and hobby/meeting groups with people I've never met. Whereas I only buy birthday presents for very close friends and family. I wouldn't usually even buy my brother/sister in law birthday presents, let alone a partner of theirs they've only been seeing a few months and whom I've never met!

I don't disagree that it was perhaps too early to add the GF to the whatsapp group (my sister annoys me by adding new partners way too early to ours and then it's awkward when they inevitably get chucked off!) but by the same token it's also way too early to buy her a present, even a token one.

Well if it doesn’t last much longer, in future, if your son gets a new partner, he is right, do better. What a horrible thing for the poor girl. As someone has said she may be shy/socially awkward. You have already favoured your DD’s relationship, i think your setting yourself up to be a very poor future MIL yo someone, good on your Son for standing up for her.

Sorry @saraclara I just realised I replied to you thinking you had quoted me and you had actually quoted someone else entirely. I followed the link from the email notification and got it wrong. I am a fool.

What can I say :I blame lack of sleep, glitchy screen (or MN) and it appears I do not know my arse from my elbow. 😐😁

Don't worry at all! I'm pretty sure that I've done the same in the past 😅

Let's watch out for the 'My MIL is a nightmare' posts a few years down the line.

OP regardless of your conversation with your son, which has only happened now after the issue. You didnt know at the time that the relationship is tense and may not last much longer.
For future reference its better to treat all partners the same, you dont know what the future holds and who will be in your life a long time, be the mother of your grandchildren etc. It was really unfair in my opinion to treat them differently. You could've given dds bf his gift for Christmas knowing that you hadnt got a gift for the other partners birthday. Id rather start off on the right foot than piss off someone who will have control over who my grandchildren see one day.
Your relationship with your son is a completely separate issue here, if you feel he doesnt make enough effort, if it hurts your feelings how he treats you, then address that with him. Your post was about whether YABU for not getting a gift, so in that respect yes you are. I could never treat my kids partners differently, even if I hated one of them you just be the bigger person.

I really can't believe that majority of people think that sons gf that op has never met should get a present for the sake of equality. Just because they gave one to their daughter's cmmon law spouse that they have an active personal relationship with. I really hope the next girlfriend is not equally entitled and son becomes more sensible. I really dotn think you need to treat partners the same if you have completely different relationship with them.

of course they favour him! He's nice ans Welcoming.
If she's so painfully shy and awkward that she can't bring herself to meet them then that's very much her problem to resolve and once again she doesn't get to throw a tantrum over not getting a present.