To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU because you haven't even met her.

It was rubbing her face in it to do all of this in front of her, surely you can see that?

I’m certain DD wasn’t stirring up trouble, the group chat didn’t exist on the GFs birthday.

It's thin ice because you could end up being alienated from their lives, especially if they have children. You need to make more effort

I don't think you are being unreasonable when she has made no effort to get to know you. I also think your son's text was quite rude/entitled in circumstances where she hadn't made that effort.

But: if your ds is serious about her and you want a good relationship with him going forwards, then you should treat her the same as dd's partner rather than rosk causing offence. If you don't know her it obviously won't be a hugely personal or thoughtful gift, but it should be same value etc.

You know @sophntheo that you are treating them differently (daughter's/ son's/ partner)

Do not be surprised if your son takes umbrage.

Effectively, you are treating your sons's partner as, somehow less than, your daughter's because you "like him better" (your DD's partner)

Are you sure you want to alienate your son?

Unfortunately not all GF's and BF's feel they want to become a part of their other half's family until they're sure the relationship is going somewhere OP. It may be that the girlfriend isn't sure enough of the relationship yet, or perhaps has been burned before, ie, got involved with a lad's family, only for the relationship to fall apart, causing hurt and upset to all.

I can understand why you didn't by your DS's GF a gift at that point, but now that you've been caught out, I think you should perhaps send her a message explaining that had it not been for the fact that you saw something very specific to the BF's hobby, you wouldn't have bought for him either, and then leave it at that.

As a matter of interest, does your DS live long distance too? If not, maybe you could invite him and the GF out for a meal somewhere, so that you can begin to get to know her, and if they agree, perhaps take her a small bunch of flowers, and when you give them to her, say 'Just a little getting to know you gift', which will hopefully sweeten her up, and show her that you're sometimes moved to buy a gift 'just because', rather than specifically for a birthday or special occasion.

You ANBU at all - she is a dick for making excuses to not come and meet you if she is serious about DS. However I think bite tongue (do better - what a prat!) and get her a gift if still on the scene next time just to keep the relationship ship with Ds going, Sucks but is what it is

But it sounds like the GF is doing a good job of alienating her boyfriend's parents. Someone who is too tired/busy for every minute of two weeks isn't exactly making an effort. And all OP's DS did was make excuses for her.

OP I think you should give her something going forward, but it doesn't have to involve too much brain power on your part.

I notice that for Christmas she got a half share in either gig tickets or a restaurant voucher. Did either she or DS thank you?

The only excuse is to have not known when her birthday was.

If they have been going out for about a year, they are serious.
If you buy a gift for DDBF you have to also buy for the serious partners of your other children, if you know when their birthdays are.
Send over a belated card and gift card for a meal out with you all together, explain that you have now marked her in the birthday calendar. You need to set up more ways to get to know her as she is obviously important to your DS.

He's so good to be direct and honest, bless him!

I agree

No one automatically deserves a gift and these are grown adults things don’t have to be fair. You bought a gift for someone you have got to know and didn’t buy one for someone you don’t know at all (because she made no effort what so ever). Your son choose to mention to you she was upset (fine that’s his right), you gave a perfectly reasonable explanation and his response is astonishingly rude- who would ever say ‘do better’ to their parents in these circumstances!!! He sounds incredibly entitled. Never sending you cards of gifts but expecting you to send them to his gf who you don’t know. I would if you feel the need to keep the peace ignore the last message and send a very basic gift to her on her next birthday. I would also get your husband or daughter to message your son the next time he fails to send you a gift and suggest he ‘do better’. Honestly I truly can’t get over attitudes like this!

Thanks everyone we can absolutely send her a gift now, and I’d have to message DS for ideas though as we know so little about her (we call DS weekly and she is in the group chat but never speaks), DS doesn’t talk about her when we call, it stops at “yeah she’s fine”.

Her birthday was the start of December, we didn’t find the gift for DDs BF until mid December and didn’t know it was her birthday until the day before (like I said DS doesn’t talk about her). DD had told us her BFs birthday and we obviously chat to him more so when we seen it, we instinctively bought it like you would if you found something you knew someone in your life would love.

DS has visited home since the start of his relationship but it was early days and she didn’t come with. We then visited for 2 weeks and had 4 sets of dinner plans she cancelled on. We suggested something more casual too but she was too busy/tired every time.

Obviously if we had known we would get DDs BF a gift we would have sent a token gift but the relationships feel very different from our perspective, even if they are the same in length.

That. You were wrong not to say least accomplishment her birthday, but if he was mine I'd have considered that he'd totally lost the moral high ground with that message.

And yes, it would kill me not to be able to reply "maybe she should do better and make the effort to meet us for half an hour when we visit". But of course that works throw a grenade into your relationship.

I think it's really off for the girlfriend to expect a birthday present when she hasn't even met you. Weird! Not giving good vibes is she.

haha - nope.

the BF has obviously made an effort to get to know OP and her DH, otherwise how would they have known about this highly suitable gift.

DS - well he and his GF have done that thing where the son makes zero effort and therefore his family don't know his GF. So how would they find a suitable gift? You reap what you sow. And GF can fix that if she makes an effort. TBH in OPs shoes, i would have told DS that.

Don't buy her a gift now if her birthday was last month! It was silly to post message in a group chat, it looks thoughtless/unkind. Your son was rude though- you don't know if girlfriend (but if you think it is long term I would try and get to know her)

Keep sweet with your son.

He's a good man for thinking about his GF feelings and wanting interaction with his M and D too.
It's no big deal though, to find a gift.

We then visited for 2 weeks and had 4 sets of dinner plans she cancelled on. We suggested something more casual too but she was too busy/tired every time.

Just saw this. I'd absolutely be pointing that out, to be honest.

Exactly. Why do women insist on obsessing over the young men in their family (sons and sons-in-law) and ignoring/resenting the young women (daughters and daughters-in-law)?

I know DD didn’t mean it in an unkind way, she would have no way of knowing what we did or didn’t do for DS GF as the group chat didn’t exist on her birthday and we don’t run and tell DD every gift we do or don’t give.

People are odd. They have been together less than a year. You didn't owe her a gift. Your son is a twat for saying do better. Tell him to do better next time it's your birthday and he doesn't buy you a card or gift. What a knob. You are not at all unreasonable.

That said you r daughter shouldn't have sent that video to the group chat. But ilnow you know where you stand with your knobhead son

DS has visited home since the start of his relationship but it was early days and she didn’t come with. We then visited for 2 weeks and had 4 sets of dinner plans she cancelled on. We suggested something more casual too but she was too busy/tired every time.

Sorry I wouldn't even reply to DS let alone buy her something now. He clearly sees nothing wrong with her behaviour but I do.

the young man in question NEVER sends cards/gifts - not even to his own mother - and he had the fucking cheek to say "do better"?

I'd be sending him a list of all the family events, birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc since he met his GF and listing all the gifts he'd sent vs what my daughter sent. And then reminding him about 4 cancelled dinner plans that his GF flaked on.

And telling HIM to do better.

Well in this case it's because the 'DIL' more than ignored her boyfriend's parents, despite all the effort they made. She cancelled on their four attempts to take her for dinner, and spurned their efforts to let her choose alternatives.
The 'SonIL' on the other hand has made a real effort to get to know them and be friendly.

In OP 's position, who would you be more kindly disposed to?