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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

405 replies

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:11

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 15/01/2025 22:14

Yes that was unreasonable. You don't have to buy anyone a gift - but this may well be the mother to your grandchildren and treating DS's partner differently to DDs is setting yourself up for upset.

If you don't know what she likes, ask your DS. Or buy a voucher for a restaurant they can go to together.

DS is right. Do better.

Catofthesouth · 15/01/2025 22:15

if she picks up on your valid points and makes an effort going forward that’s great. If not I’d buy her a lovely pass ag gift like “I’ve bought you a goat in Africa via a charity”. Moany baggage.

Jonnycakes · 15/01/2025 22:18

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. Both of your children are in year long relationships, give or take. You have favoured one partner over the other and been found out. You don’t have to know someone to get them a gift. A restaurant voucher or subscription would have sufficed. Or you could have asked your DS what she might have liked. She’s being unreasonable for not meeting you over a 2 week period you went to visit, however I don’t think getting her back by withholding birthday gifts is the way to go about things. Maybe a conversation with DS might have been better as to why she was reluctant to meet you.

Quinlan · 15/01/2025 22:18

Didn’t you just say, “We’ve never met her because she was too busy and tired when we were there. Maybe she should do better. We can’t buy a gift for someone we don’t know and who won’t make any effort to meet us.”

I’d want to say that.

GermanBite · 15/01/2025 22:19

Why on earth are your kids' partners in a family group chat with you? They've only been together a year.

I think if been with my partner for about that time before I even met his parents.

It all sounds needlessly intense.

OhBuggerandArse · 15/01/2025 22:20

You travelled a long way to see your son for two weeks and she didn't bother to come and meet you in person? That's really quite rude, unless there was a better reason than 'busy/tired'. I'd want to tell him she should 'do better'. But I suppose that wouldn't really help matters.

Vaxtable · 15/01/2025 22:20

Yes you are being unreasonable. You are treating your children differently in respect of partners. You also say you dont know your DS Gf very well, well now you have shown her how little you care compared to your daughters BF I doubt she’s going to make much of an effort with you, and you have upset your son

well done

ShadowsOfTheDays · 15/01/2025 22:21

Yeah that was unfair really. Doesn't really matter how you feel, you need to be seen to be playing fair.

But 'do better' is spectacularly rude.

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:21

Jonnycakes · 15/01/2025 22:18

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. Both of your children are in year long relationships, give or take. You have favoured one partner over the other and been found out. You don’t have to know someone to get them a gift. A restaurant voucher or subscription would have sufficed. Or you could have asked your DS what she might have liked. She’s being unreasonable for not meeting you over a 2 week period you went to visit, however I don’t think getting her back by withholding birthday gifts is the way to go about things. Maybe a conversation with DS might have been better as to why she was reluctant to meet you.

We did ask DS, he just gave excuses, tired, busy etc.

At the time of her birthday we hadn’t bought a gift for DDs BF and had no idea we would. I didn’t actually know her birthday until the day before when DS messaged the group chat we have with just our kids asking for help wrapping the gifts.
Obviously we will get her something this year though now we have started getting gifts for them.

OP posts:
Catofthesouth · 15/01/2025 22:22

Has she bought you a birthday gift or sent a card? If your son sent one, did she sign it herself? Just asking.

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2025 22:23

Yeah that's being a bit of a twat giving one and not the other

RunnerDown · 15/01/2025 22:23

I would definitely treat both your dd’s and ds’s partners exactly the same. It will cause resentment otherwise. Your ds girlfriend might be much shyer or more socially awkward than your dd’s boyfriend. What matters is that they are the people your children have chosen to have a relationship with and not how much you like them.

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:23

Catofthesouth · 15/01/2025 22:22

Has she bought you a birthday gift or sent a card? If your son sent one, did she sign it herself? Just asking.

No and DS doesn’t actually send physical gifts or cards ever.

OP posts:
AllrightNowBaby · 15/01/2025 22:24

Yes! You should have bought the girlfriend a present of equal value.
In fact, I would do so now and send the present, with the addition of some flowers to apologise for the lapse.

Hohohoeyy · 15/01/2025 22:24

This is how the MIL / DIL dynamic starts.

Catofthesouth · 15/01/2025 22:24

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:23

No and DS doesn’t actually send physical gifts or cards ever.

Show quote history

Oh what a massive surprise. Sorry x

NeedSomeComfy · 15/01/2025 22:25

GermanBite · 15/01/2025 22:19

Why on earth are your kids' partners in a family group chat with you? They've only been together a year.

I think if been with my partner for about that time before I even met his parents.

It all sounds needlessly intense.

Definitely this!
So intense, so soon. So unnecessary.

Choccyscofffy · 15/01/2025 22:26

Do better? He can fuck off!

You are not obligated to buy gifts!

What does DS get you for birthday and Christmas?

GivingitToGod · 15/01/2025 22:27

GermanBite · 15/01/2025 22:19

Why on earth are your kids' partners in a family group chat with you? They've only been together a year.

I think if been with my partner for about that time before I even met his parents.

It all sounds needlessly intense.

This
OP, I can see why you didn't buy your son's gf a present as I haven't met her but if she is on the family WhatsApp group, that's perceived as her being included so the discrepancy starts there.
Tread more carefully in the future.
You are on delicate ground being the mother of a son

OolongTeaDrinker · 15/01/2025 22:27

Fast forward 5 years and you’ll be on here moaning that your son and his partner don’t come and visit you often with their kids and you hardly see them.

You reap what you sow, very unreasonable of you. Is this part of a pattern of you favouring your daughter over your son?

WinterSun20 · 15/01/2025 22:27

I think you need to think of the big picture. You may not have got to know her very well, but blatantly treating her different from your daughter's partner is not going to help that.

It's upset your son and his girlfriend, surely it's not worth that? Ok you don't know her, but you could get her a voucher for Boots or another big store as a token.

I think you need to tell your son that you're sorry him and his girlfriend are upset and that you regret creating a situation where she's been left feeling excluded as you really want to get to know her better and form a good relationship with her.

I understand you feel like your dd's partner has made more effort with you, but for your son's sake, you need to be more even handed in how you treat your children's partners.

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:27

NeedSomeComfy · 15/01/2025 22:25

Definitely this!
So intense, so soon. So unnecessary.

Show quote history

DD lives with her BF so we added a new chat when they moved in together last month we made one. We added DS GF to keep it fair.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 15/01/2025 22:27

No one is obligated to buy gifts but yes I think you should treat your children's partners the same (regardless of who you have spent most time with)

paranoiaofpufflings · 15/01/2025 22:30

I think you could have got the girlfriend a token gift. Even if you don't know what she likes, some flowers, chocolates, anything. But then you say DS doesn't get you a gift so I wouldn't feel too bad for not getting her anything.

I actually think it's your daughter at fault in this situation. The girlfriend's birthday was a month earlier and nothing was added to your group chat. So she must have known putting a video of her boyfriend opening his gift in the group chat would stir up trouble. Is there some sibling rivalry at play?

Would have been more appropriate for her to send the video direct to you, or for the boyfriend to open the gift on a call with you.

rightoguvnor · 15/01/2025 22:30

I wouldn't accept any dc of mine telling me in that manner to 'do better'.

Your only 'out' here is twofold - that they haven't yet been together a year so you are unsure whether this is a long-term, living together thing; and that you haven't actually met her in person, Two weeks is a long time to be busy/tired every lunch and dinner time. And if it is a relationship of significance surely you would make time to be not busy for one evening.
So I'd tell him it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.