To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Your DS sounds like an entitled little twat. He's happy to have you pay all his uni fees plus rent/utilities and whatever else for undergrad and Postgrad but can't even get you a birthday card.

And then has the audacity to tell you to "do better" because you didn't get a gift for the girlfriend that refuses to meet you or talk in the group chat.

I'd be bringing him back to reality and telling him that you're not getting him or his girlfriend anything until they start behaving and showing some basic care and respect

I think there is more to this.
Have you always been close to your son?
He doesn't talk about his girlfriend, doesn't do family gifts at Christmas and birthdays etc.
His girlfriend doesn't want to meet you or maybe he doesn't want you to meet her.
Are you sure there isn't some unresolved issue in the background somewhere?
Maybe have a chat with him and get to the bottom of it.

We are close to our son even now. Like I said he chats away every week, messages almost daily, calls if he is in a cab or driving somewhere. I could tell you what he has had for breakfast most days this week but I couldn’t tell you his girlfriend hobbies.

The gifts I don’t mind about at all, he doesn’t have to send gifts or cards to be close to us and I’m okay with that.

His girlfriend does puzzle me though!

I just had a little chat with DD and mentioned this all to her and DD pointed out that despite both of them clearly seeing the video and knowing it was her BFs birthday, neither of them wished him a happy birthday at all. That is quite out of character for DS.
DD was sorry that she sent the video though, she said it hadn’t occurred to her that it would upset anyone.

This is the issue - not only did you give a gift but it was made a big deal by the video in the family group. If the gift giving and receiving had been private it would have been fine because you have a different level of relationship with the 2 partners. Rubbing in someone else’s face is the problem!

I wouldn’t have bothered getting his gf a gift either then again, I couldn’t be bothered being part of someone’s Watsapp group either, those groups cause too much drama.

I think I’d just say to your DS that you didn’t know when his GF’s birthday was but it’s now in the diary. And leave it there.

Honestly I think you could’ve sent flowers or similar even with a day of notice- I wouldn’t feel like making an effort either but for the sake of her potentially being a long term partner for your DS, I would to keep the peace. It’s very poor that she made no effort with you when you visited and I do understand why you’d not feel like doing so.

Do better?! The lack of self-awareness is gobsmacking! Your DS is extremely entitled and rude. His GF hasn’t even made the minimum polite effort to get to know you when you visited, despite you asking after her/wanting to meet. And now your DD feels guilty for innocently sharing a video. I can just see how this is going to play out, OP. YANBU, but be prepared for your son being OTT and going NC.

I'd literally explode at the "do better". How fucking rude.

If you didn’t know her birthday until the day before how could you have sent you a present, your son is being ridiculous.

I understand the inequality in how your son treats you re presents etc but that’s not his girlfriends fault or responsibility. If you buy for one child’s partner you really should buy for the other. Otherwise you might find yourself the stereotype of “Granny on the Dad’s side” one day and she won’t make the effort.

If she doesn’t make an effort with you, why are you being called out for not making an effort with her? It works both ways.

I too would completely lose it if I were told to 'do better'!
Having said this, I do think that it's always wise to treat partners of adult children equally.

She's made no effort to meet you and get to know you better, so you not getting her any gift is justified in my eyes and there were joint gifts, so it's not like she's being ignored. However, I can also see where sho comes from, I think I'd acknowledge her birthday with a text in a said chat or maybe throw together a quick birthday video or something like that so that she wouldn't feel forgotten. It is her own doing, but you can't blame her for feeling left out when she actually was.

She’s made no effort. My rule with bf/gf is no gifts till I’ve met them and they have to have been together for a year. That way it’s always been fair. And I’d be telling your ds that he can do better to facilitate the relationship.

To be honest this is one of those situations where there is truth on both sides, no one is 100% wrong here.

Your actions clearly show favouritism. Surely you can see how it may come across and make her feel left out?

The inverse illustration would be, imagine you are in a group chat with your son’s partner and her parents. Imagine your son posts a video of a gift he (or your potential grandchildren) got his in-laws, whilst simultaneously not acknowledging your birthday the month before. You would feel snubbed regardless of your son/grandchildren possibly having a better relationship with his in laws and finding them easier to get on with. It is just a very obvious and public way of showing you guys aren’t as close even if it didn’t occur to your son that posting the video would cause offence.

So yes, you can buy whoever you want whatever you want, but I can totally see why she would feel her place in the pecking order is at the bottom.

Totally this.

GF needs to do much better.

Your son is very cheeky too

Omg can't believe those who said you should have sent her something. You absolutely shouldn't. Once you've met and know her then maybe.
Equally I can't believe she's on a family chat. He doesn't live with her. You've not met her. She isn't family yet.

We are close to our son even now. Like I said he chats away every week, messages almost daily, calls if he is in a cab or driving somewhere. I could tell you what he has had for breakfast most days this week but I couldn’t tell you his girlfriend hobbies.

Sorry but no, You arent close.

Your DS cant be arsed to buy presents or cards and phones you up in dead time to chunter at you about HIS life and lean on you when he needs it.

The fact you arent comfortable enough to have a candid conversation about the GF and all the weirdness here is evidence of that and i guarantee if you tried to lean on him in any kind of emotional crisis or personal difficulty at very best he "tolerate' listening to you.

You are showing "favouritism" because you have an authentic 2 way relationship with your dd vs your son who does give but expects to receive gifts and can barely be arsed to send a happy birthday message to his parents

I'd be inclined to send @Quinlans message but you are probably scared to as your relationship is so tenuous. (In reality he sounds v needy so you prob have more power than you realise)
You should spell out you actually have a relationship with and know DDs bf, he makes an effort with you and so does your dd (inc thoughtful reciprocal gifts) and they didnt wish dds bf a happy birthday which is rude in and off itself.

It was a low key gesture but for the fact daughter posted about it on the group chat.

Only in MNland is "only been together a year..." a thing. Most people I know would have moved in together within a year. Some would even be engaged/married.

Stop presents for DS too. He is a 27 year old grown man! If he can’t even acknowledge your birthday with a card or present, then he should get fuck all!

When children become adults presents become reciprocal, not one way!

I would be sorely tempted to say this. I would not be tolerating my son telling me to "do better" - who the hell does he think he is?
However, YABU to treat your son's girlfriend differently from your daughter's boyfriend, particularly as they have been in a relationship for a similar period of time.
You say you don't know her as well. Admittedly it appears she only has herself to blame for that, but your son might have been able to give you some gift ideas if you had asked him.

I know OP has addressed this, but being in a chat group with children’s new partners is a bit weird.