To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Op during one of the long calls, I'd say to him directly "I'm sorry we upset Gf, it really wasn't our intention it's just felt very much like she has no interest in getting to know us, you rarely mention her and so we just assumed you guys were less serious. Clearly we're wrong so we really do want to get to know her".

Are you saying the OP should bend over backwards to allow her sons selfish behaviour? Seriously? This is a man who can even be bothered to send a card or a bunch of flowers to his mum on social occasions yet expects her to bend over backwards and send gifts for his GF? The way his GF has conducted herself over dates made for meals and the fact that he hasn’t bothered his arse says it all. Parents shouldn’t be pandering to this shit, they’re people too and relationships work both ways. MN is a different universe to the real world at times.

I am really surprised at the vote, and some of the comments.

Of course YANBU.

You have met, and have an on-going relationship with dd's dp, but ds's dp didn't make the effort to meet with you even once during the 2 weeks plus when you were there !
Therefore you have a completely different connection (or lack of connection).

DS just messaged with “Do better”
As for this
Wow. Just wow. Is he always this rude ?

Oh bullshit should she. To a woman who's not even shown her common courtesy.

I didn't say bend over backwards.

But you don't give people a stick to beat you with which is exactly what the OP has done by treating the partners differently. If they split up no harm done but if there's a long game .....

Shortsighted.

Yes... It really is quite rude that she made zero effort... she didn't have the bubonic plague.... She should visited or made a compelling believable excuse...

Real illness... Or madly long days as a trauma surgeon...

I'd be bloody irritated by your son's comment of could do better...

I'd have to force myself NOT to say..

... 'Son she made no effort to get to know us by visiting us when we were in Oz (wherever)... So we don't feel we know her...yet suddenly she wants presents from us when it suits her and she isn't tired /busy....

She seems like a princess and we don't fancy your chances long term with this CF!

I think I would message back quite curtly and say "we didn't know it was your dgf birthday until the day before when you told us. At that point getting gifts hadn't occurred to us. Obviously next year we will get your gf a gift."

I'm the dil and have watched sil be blatantly favoured and it is quite hurtful

I'd add to that

"we didn't know it was your dgf birthday until the day before when you told us. At that point getting gifts hadn't occurred to us, we've not yet met your DGF in person and really don't know her tastes. Obviously this next year we will make sure we meet her, get to know her, and that will help us get your dgf a gift she appreciates for her birthday."

This, although, I don't think I'd force myself not to say it.

If that's the way he speaks to his parents, then it sounds like he could do with a bit of honesty from them.

If it’s a long game then hopefully the GF puts some effort into actually acknowledging her BFs mother . Maybe she’s the one that’s holding the stick .

Absolutely agree.

The gf couldn't make the effort to meet up, however informally, just once in over two weeks, when her partner of a year's parents travelled a considerable distance to spend time with him?

Why would she be expecting any sort of present from them ?

Come to that, why would the ds be expecting any sort of present, when he doesn't send anything for his parents ?

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all.

DS’s GF needs to make more of an effort, as does DS. They both in fact need to “do better”.

DD and DS have had the same opportunities to let you get to know their GF & BF and their GF and BF have had the same opportunities to get to know you and to form a relationship with you.

I am sure that you will continue to offer DD, BF, DS and GF the same opportunities throughout this year and undoubtedly the group chat will exhibit quite clearly how much more DD and BF bother with you than DS and GF will!

Maybe you can say we will give GF a gift when we meet her

@sophntheo personally your Ds , Gf , should do better, why be a ghost yet still expect to be included. Your DD, Bf seems lovley and thats a good example of how a person should be, when you join a family you make the effort in my book

You visited and she was too busy to meet you for two weeks, but not to busy to notice and get upset about someone else's gift? 😒.

I don't tend to gift people who treat me with scant regard. You were not unreasonable in the slightest.
Cheeky sods.

This is why I’m glad my dad can barely use a phone never mind work a group chat haha. Although he also forgets my birthday so no way he’d remember a partners!

I think in hindsight you can reflect and think you could have handled this a bit better but i have to say that it’s not nearly as much of a big deal as your son is making out.

On yours and your daughter’s side, ok it’s a bit clumsy but easily repaired. But your son sounds like an entitled wally who needs to pull his head out of his arse. I’m sure if he’d approached you in a ‘heads up’ kinda way rather than coming over so accusatory you could have resolved this as ‘no harm no foul’… Do better’ is, as pp said, spectacularly rude, not to mention massively hypocritical given that he doesnt buy you bugger all presents!

If I were you I’d send a nice card and some flowers to the girlfriend explaining the honest/unthinking oversight (but emphasis on the knowing him better having met him rather than the not knowing her because she didnt come to meet you, if that makes sense) and acknowledging the way it’s come across hurtful. As others have said, this woman might end up in your life for a long time and it’s a shame to set a bad vibe precedent over something so logically explained. If they hold a grudge beyond that they’re prats.

Oh, and PLEASE tell your son ‘do better’ next time your bday comes and goes without acknowledgement ;)

Or you could say, didn’t think we were doing birthday presents any more as you didn’t get me one

Your son sounds incredibly rude
I wouldn't have got into the "we wouldn't have got something if wr hadn't seen that 1 thing he'd love" and would have just said "but we've never met her!"

It's completely normal to buy presents for people you actually know and not for people you've never met!

Then if he'd carried on I'd have said "remind me, how many cards and presents have you bought me and your dad for our birthday and Christmas? Whereas your sister bothers every year. You want us to buy a present for a woman weve never met because she couldn't be bothered to meet with us once when we travelled to see you, when you cant manage to buy a birthday card for your own mother/father. Maybe you should be the one thinking about doing better."

I can't believe you're thinking of rewarding his rudeness by now getting her a present! I'd be more likely to treat them fairly...by not getting him anything from now on. I'd be really pissed off if I was your dd - sounds like he is absolutely golden boy and favourite child who can do no wrong, and the one time you do something nice for her partner her brother makes that all about him too.

This. You aren't obliged to buy gifts for strangers.

Has SHE acknowledged YOUR birthdays or special occasions?

Good point.

The son's girlfriend was extremely rude.

There is no automatic right to be treated indulgently by one's partner's parents.

WI think YABU to get one a present and not the other. I speak as a adult with children similar ages with boyfriends and fiancé's. When we started giving the now fiance a birthday gift we also started giving the girlfriend one
First year it was a generic candle but it showed thought. This ywar we know her better and I will get her something personal..

However, having said that. I also think you can bring up to your ds that telling you to "do better" when they are putting minimal effort in.. not meeting you and just telling you "yeah she is fine" means that they also have to "do better" this means also acknowledging your special days (even if just with a message in the chat) it was dhs birthday this month and her got birthday from our children and from the girlfriend and fiancé because they both bother to put the effort in. It's OK to tell your ds if he wants to comment on your behaviour he also has to take responsibility for his/theirs.

Perhaps suggest a meal out to get to know ow each other better?

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. You bought a gift for someone you know, and didn’t buy a gift for someone you don’t know.

in relation to the “Do Better” imperative, I think I’d run with the ball and say you’d love it to be a Do Better situation…!!!! Would DS and the gf like to come and stay over this weekend? Let’s Do Better Together!

It’s not like she was making any effort in the first place. OP travelled to see her son for 2 weeks and she couldn’t be bothered to stop by and say hello so while I think OP should have got her something small I don’t buy the “she will not make any effort” argument.

And I don’t get how or why they are all on a group chat if OP is not close to her son’s gf.

I think it's appallingly rude for your son's GF to bail on 4 opportunities to meet you given how far you live from them. Your son doesn't appear to be doing anything to foster a connection or relationship between you and her, so telling you to "do better" when he's doing less than the bare minimum is ridiculous.

I'd say something like "It seems we could all do better this year. Your father and I are keen to get to know X but that does require you to help facilitate it given we live so far apart and she wasn't able to meet us when we invited her. Why don't you bring her into the call next time we have a chat so we can say hello?"