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Original poster

To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

405 replies

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:11

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 15/01/2025 23:10

You should have bought a gift- even a generic one like flowers or a candle.

If my ds had said “do better” then I’d tell him that I’d change my ways when thy fix their lack of effort in contacting you and his lack of acknowledgement of your birthday. Amazon.co.uk works from anywhere in the world

Enough4me · 15/01/2025 23:11

Wait a minute, your DS doesn't encourage her to even have 1 meal with you when you visit and then tells you to "do better"???
He doesn't tell you about her interests and doesn't tell you her birthday in advance, but you're supposed to magically know what to get and when to send it.
Has he always been hard work?

Daisyvodka · 15/01/2025 23:12

Sorry, have i read this right - your DS doesn't 'do' cards or presents himself, but expects you to send one to his girlfriend who couldn't find time in 2 weeks when you had travelled to see DS to meet you?
Am I reading this thread correctly? This is clearly insane behaviour!

TheFairyCaravan · 15/01/2025 23:13

Even if you’d found out it was her birthday the day before, you could have sent her some flowers. Most places do next day delivery,

It’s all well and good moaning that she doesn’t make an effort but two wrongs don’t make a right. And besides, she could be the mother of yoir grandchildren in a couple of years so you don’t want to be back here moaning that it’s only her mum who gets to see them and not you.

poemsandwine · 15/01/2025 23:14

This is what token gifts are for. But 'do better' is so, so rude.

Tourmalines · 15/01/2025 23:15

Brefugee · 15/01/2025 23:06

the young man in question NEVER sends cards/gifts - not even to his own mother - and he had the fucking cheek to say "do better"?

I'd be sending him a list of all the family events, birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc since he met his GF and listing all the gifts he'd sent vs what my daughter sent. And then reminding him about 4 cancelled dinner plans that his GF flaked on.

And telling HIM to do better.

Show quote history

Agree with this . I think the GF is rude by not bothering to meet you when you clearly wanted to meet her and had arranged to do so . Son wasn’t even bothered by it , just making excuses like she’s tired . They are both entitled.

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 23:15

Daisyvodka · 15/01/2025 23:12

Sorry, have i read this right - your DS doesn't 'do' cards or presents himself, but expects you to send one to his girlfriend who couldn't find time in 2 weeks when you had travelled to see DS to meet you?
Am I reading this thread correctly? This is clearly insane behaviour!

Yep exactly!

I don’t expect gifts or cards from my children (though DD has never missed a birthday or Mother’s Day even though she’s been travelling in the middle of nowhere during some of those). DS hasn’t gotten us gifts or cards since he left home. Obviously I don’t really care about getting gifts from him but I feel bad for upsetting his GF but it was genuinely an oversight as the dynamic isn’t there and we really don’t know her well despite trying.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 15/01/2025 23:16

No OP. Don't feel bad. Your son is a rude grabby fucker. Use those words to his face, so he is very clear about what your expectations are.

Brefugee · 15/01/2025 23:18

or - and this may be what i would do (because i am petty and vindictive)

I would send the most obnoxiously, generic "i have no idea what you like" shit gift.
Or something that is wildly inappropriate. That you suspect she won't like and will have no use for.

The reaction to that will tell you a lot about her.

Screamingabdabz · 15/01/2025 23:19

Jeez. Your own son telling his own parents to “do better” - what an absolute twat.

Equally you shouldn’t have given the gift for a birthday if you’re not treating both partners the same for birthdays… You could have just sent it to the bf as a ‘saw this and thought of you’ and kept it low key.

Nonaynevernomore · 15/01/2025 23:21

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:59

Thanks everyone we can absolutely send her a gift now, and I’d have to message DS for ideas though as we know so little about her (we call DS weekly and she is in the group chat but never speaks), DS doesn’t talk about her when we call, it stops at “yeah she’s fine”.

Her birthday was the start of December, we didn’t find the gift for DDs BF until mid December and didn’t know it was her birthday until the day before (like I said DS doesn’t talk about her). DD had told us her BFs birthday and we obviously chat to him more so when we seen it, we instinctively bought it like you would if you found something you knew someone in your life would love.

DS has visited home since the start of his relationship but it was early days and she didn’t come with. We then visited for 2 weeks and had 4 sets of dinner plans she cancelled on. We suggested something more casual too but she was too busy/tired every time.

Obviously if we had known we would get DDs BF a gift we would have sent a token gift but the relationships feel very different from our perspective, even if they are the same in length.

You need to improve the relationship with your son, why is he so guarded? Not talking about his partner etc?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 15/01/2025 23:21

Nope. These are the consequences of her actions. She doesn't get to act cold and aloof and then stick her hand out.
If she wanted the relationship that involved gifts she should've made an effort

DS needs to understand he's an adult now and so has a relationship with you as an equal
He doesn't getvto demand fairness when he's not being fair

RickiRaccoon · 15/01/2025 23:25

I get why you didn't. GF had her bday, you don't know her that well because she's not exactly gone out of her way to know you (she might be shy but whatever it is what it is). Then BF had his bday and you thought you should get him a present because you talk to him all the time. This is what started the present-buying and you presumably would've got GF a present if she'd happened to have her bday the month after BF.

"Do better" from someone who can't manage cards to his parents and can't help facilitate a relationship between his GF and parents is pretty grating.

Slightly different but I often don't get my SIL a present but always get my BIL one. I don't hear a word from SIL (or my brother) after I've sent the present while BIL always messages to say thanks. So not all present-giving is exactly fair all the time but sometimes there's good reason for it.

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 23:25

Nonaynevernomore · 15/01/2025 23:21

You need to improve the relationship with your son, why is he so guarded? Not talking about his partner etc?

Show quote history

This is new, we had a wonderful relationship with his ex, she actually lived with us briefly. Obviously we never mention her or compare the two and assume that it’s a combination of culture/personality.
He will talk our ear off about himself and calls voluntarily for well over an hour every week and messages most days so I don’t think it’s him per se. We have asked her hobbies and stuff and he just either changes the topic or “she likes going out with her friends and stuff”.

We don’t really know her so try not to make any judgements on the situation but it is … different?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/01/2025 23:32

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:27

DD lives with her BF so we added a new chat when they moved in together last month we made one. We added DS GF to keep it fair.

Show quote history

My kids have been married for years

Their partners are not on the family whatsapp

TheBoysAndTheBallet · 15/01/2025 23:33

I'd be really tempted to send a passive aggressive reply: "OK DS darling, we'll do our very best to meet GF in person this year so we can find out what she'd like as a gift for her next birthday."

Christmasandallthetrimmings · 15/01/2025 23:34

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 23:25

This is new, we had a wonderful relationship with his ex, she actually lived with us briefly. Obviously we never mention her or compare the two and assume that it’s a combination of culture/personality.
He will talk our ear off about himself and calls voluntarily for well over an hour every week and messages most days so I don’t think it’s him per se. We have asked her hobbies and stuff and he just either changes the topic or “she likes going out with her friends and stuff”.

We don’t really know her so try not to make any judgements on the situation but it is … different?

Show quote history

İf he's had a relationship fall apart before, it may just be that he's not ready to share that side of him with family again, especially if the last relationship was so intertwined with family.

I'd just be the bigger person and make the effort with GF, but also remind son that he never bothers with you guys.

But.....I'm surprised no one else has asked this- why did he need help wrapping presents? I'm so confused.

Enough4me · 15/01/2025 23:35

OP, hand on heart, do you think you (not on purpose) over-indulged your DS so he thinks his behaviour since leaving home is acceptable?

Tourmalines · 15/01/2025 23:36

Don’t let your son guilt trip you . Out of this whole situation the worst part is his disrespectful attitude to you , telling you to do better is so condescending. He needs pulling up . And you need to tell him that .

Original poster
sophntheo · 15/01/2025 23:37

Christmasandallthetrimmings · 15/01/2025 23:34

İf he's had a relationship fall apart before, it may just be that he's not ready to share that side of him with family again, especially if the last relationship was so intertwined with family.

I'd just be the bigger person and make the effort with GF, but also remind son that he never bothers with you guys.

But.....I'm surprised no one else has asked this- why did he need help wrapping presents? I'm so confused.

Show quote history

One was an odd shape, he got himself into a cello tape catastrophe and asked if there was anyway to do it that looked good or if he should get a bag … he got a bag!

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 15/01/2025 23:39

I like my DD's partner-he's OK, but I actually love DS's. But I work really hard not to show that I have a preference, and I'd never dream of giving one a present and the other not. That's awful.

Toucanfusingforme · 15/01/2025 23:40

Maybe the girl is reserved. Maybe she’s aware you were close to his ex. Maybe she’s just unpleasant. Whichever way, best advice I was ever given is to be welcoming (therefore by definition to treat equally) your children’s partners. I would buy my son’s girlfriends a birthday/Christmas present after a few months. They could (and obviously did) end up as a DIL. I have one DIL who is very outgoing. I have one who is much more reserved. It took longer to get to know her, but I’m glad we did. The DILs may be different, but I love them both and always make a point of treating them equally.

Calochortus · 15/01/2025 23:41

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:23

No and DS doesn’t actually send physical gifts or cards ever.

Show quote history

They should “do better” and I’d be reminding him of that. What a selfish arse.

Edited to add his partner made excuses on 4 different dates that were arranged, that’s rude. He doesn’t bother with your birthdays etc to at least acknowledge them yet he expects a gift for his GF? You should not feel bad OP and stop pandering to him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/01/2025 23:46

Oh you've just made a rod for your own back here...

Bit silly if you want a relationship with potential grandchildren.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/01/2025 23:47

NeedSomeComfy · 15/01/2025 22:25

Definitely this!
So intense, so soon. So unnecessary.

Show quote history

At 12 months DH and I were living together, engaged and planning our wedding.