Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

@Lostcat

How many phantom children is a host expected to cater for?? 🙄

Come on. The child's own mother couldn't be bothered.

Whut?

I’m don’t claim to be teaching anyone a life lesson. I didn’t forget a party bag for anyone after all. Life lessons of “it’s tough shit I’m afraid” are part of the wonderful fabric of life we all have to experience, and if you want to avoid this for your kid then fair enough, but I just don’t think huge strides should be made by other people wholly unrelated to that child to avoid it for them.

I'm fairly new here & forgot a thread can fill up to the point of no more interaction. I admire your strength OP. We just have to keep going making the best of the good days & doing our best to cope with the challenges life throws at us 💐

This thread has been great fun. OP, you’re hilarious, and it’s so refreshing to read a post from someone who isn’t a massive doormat.

I will say, though - the overwhelming majority of commenters have been on your side. There’s a teeny tiny minority of contrarians - clearly the sort who get dopamine hits off arguing with people on the internet. There’s absolutely no reason to give them what they want. If you ignore them, they fuck off.

This. It's not your job to fix James because his mother is ridiculous. Sad yes but 1000 percent not your problem. I find it absolutely crazy people think it's on you. Makes me think it could be James's mum lol.

OP you are my hero! And I love the way you write, you’re hilarious. I would’ve done exactly what you did except I wouldn’t have been able to resist replying to Amanda again, even if it was just to send her a string of 😂😂😂 What a CF.

And I get what you’re saying about resilience. Kids are arriving in the workplace completely entitled and with nothing ever having gone wrong in their lives and they can’t cope with the real world. Sometimes in life you get disappointments and that’s a lesson James has now learnt. It’s still his mother’s fault though!

At no point did I say this was for the OP to sort out. My original post was about spare party bags. Many people have spare party bags because it is not unusual for unexpected children to turn up. Everyone else has for some reason decided that means I'm saying the OP should get on to the magician and buy James a bag. As for saying I said something bad about her son...some people really need to work on their reading comprehension.

No one thinks it’s on OP to “fix James”. It’s just a party bag. why is mumsnet so full of extremes? It’s nutty.

If you are throwing a kids’ party, get a couple of extra party bags, just in case , so kids aren’t left out . That’s all it is.

They’ll still survive in the workplace honestly! And they’ll leave your party jolly 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

According to this thread, many people also don't have spare party bags.

Exactly. It's just a party bag.

An 8 year old will be just fine if they don't get one.

Haven’t RTFT but all of your replies, and I think you’re bang on with everything you’ve said OP.

Amanda is batshit, it beggars belief that people like her walk among us, but I know they do.

As for providing extra party bags, I mean I used to do this because other parents were never great at RSVPing, and the party bags were generic crap from the supermarket that I had spares of anyway. But not once, in multiple parties for 2 different kids did any of the people who hadn’t RSVPd actually turn up, so they were never needed. And I bet even if there had been an extra bag on standby, poor little James wouldn’t have been able to cope that his wasn’t personalised, so you’d have got that wrong in Amanda’s eyes too.

Fuck her, basically. Also you’re right, an outside party in a park in January sounds like absolute bollocks.

Right. And? People do things differently for different reasons. It doesn't make someone an Amanda or a handmaiden or unfeminist because they have spare party bags. Mocking people who "think of the children" in these situations is bizarre.

Sure. They will neither suffer some terrible ill, nor learn some important life lesson that builds resilience and prepares them for the workplace.
they’ll just feel a bit crappy / meh/ left out , very temporarily when leaving the party, when all the other kids get one and they don’t. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Or if managed properly, at 8, would understand why or maybe not even be bothered if his mother wasn't making a big deal out of it.

Even with a spare bag. He could've very well felt left out or a bit crappy too because it wouldn't be the same as the others.

Out of interest lost how do you think children build resilience if not through life’s little disappointments?

Only 83 posts left

please feel free to fill the thread with more baked potato suggestions people

@JandamiHashI think you've dealt with the situation exactly right. You were gracious to James and his mother, included him in the party despite the lack of RSVP, ordered and paid for a vegan pizza for them. The only thing Amanda should have said to you was "Thank you." And perhaps ask if she could reimburse you for the pizza.

I don't understand the posts berating you for not having extra party bags on hand. For one thing, why would you? And for another thing, given Amanda's behaviour and reactions, I can't imagine she would have been satisfied with a generic, unpersonalised party bag. I expect she might have turned up her nose at that (since it wouldn't have been as special as the ones the other children were given) and complain about it in her rude texts. It seems unlikely that she would have been grateful. In any case, it would have been out of character, based on everything that you've written in this thread. If she really wants James to have a personalised party bag, you've given her the magician's details and she can order it herself.

I'm sorry your son is coping with such a painful condition and I hope he had a wonderful birthday.

Sour cream, chives, and bacon. Delicious.

For the record, my favourite baked potato filling is sautéed mushrooms with a dollop of creme fraiche and a dash of Worcestershire. Food of the gods.

So you’re still plugging the life lessons angle eh?

Listen if you want your son’s party to provide life lessons in disappointments for kids with CF parents, far be it from me to interfere. You do you. (Not sure what the lesson is? You have a crap mum?)

Personally when I throw parties I just want the kids to have a bit of fun . I always get a couple of extra party bags and a bit of extra food for contingencies, as I wouldn’t want any kids turning up and missing out and RSVP mishaps with kids’ parties are a big thing.
Where I live this is normal pratcice, but apparently on mumsnet this is very controversial and against feminism , the planet, human dignity and child development!! 😆😆😆 I consider myself schooled!

A restaurant near me serves them with shredded bbq chicken or shredded beef.

Matar paneer goes very well with a baked potato, as does dhal. Handy for padding out leftovers. A blob of sour cream or plain Greek yogurt if it’s extra spicy.

@Lostcat and @HollyKnight - it was nice of OP to let James come at all. They hadn’t RSVPd, hadn’t had his special diet catered for (cheeky swines! I’d have taken along something suitable if dumping my kid with awkward dietary restrictions on people last minute) and obviously didn’t have a party bag.
She and her DH could have said “so sorry, you didn’t reply and so we’re full now and have no vegan food, what a shame, tatty bye”

I manage to raise three children without gatecrashing any parties. There’s no flipping way I accommodated random siblings. It’s a party, not a public event. So no need to have extra party bags at all.

Amanda was moaning because the children who were actually expected got lovely personalised wands and capes and magic tricks. A packet of Haribo and bubble mix wasn’t going to cut it with James, was it? She’s having a go several days later!

Whining to his mum that he doesn’t have a party bag doesn’t bode well for James’s future social life. He sounds like a pill.

But he still would've missed out because it wouldn't be the special personalised magician one.

Even without a party bag, he got to watch a magician show and eat pizza with friends. I'm sure he still had plenty of fun.

This too.

CF is lucky that OP allowed James to stay. I'm not sure that I would have.