Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

I know whose party I'm going to turn up uninvited to! You have been warned. I'm low-carb btw.😂

👍🏻

@Lostcat

"Personally when I throw parties I just want the kids to have a bit of fun . I always get a couple of extra party bags and a bit of extra food for contingencies, as I wouldn’t want any kids turning up and missing out and RSVP mishaps with kids parties are a big thing."

Did you miss the bit about Personalised party bags. Would you have ordered bags for all who were invited - even those whose mother did not RSVP?

OP probably had plenty food - James is a vegan. Would you have food for vegans, vegetarians, coeliacs etc just in case?

I've just done a 'see all' & read your posts & I want to say thanks for the laughs!

My reply to her reply would be 'Well, you have now, so there's one thing you can tick off your bucket list'. But a dignified silence is probably best.

You're spending too much time arguing with strangers, you don't need to justify your actions, there's nothing worth spending 4 pages going back and forth, end it and move on.

And btw I think you did the right thing and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even respond to the message she sent the next day about her son being upset.

Holy Moly, what a thread. OP, I have enjoyed your thread and your responses.

And the reminder that the batshit crazy, really do walk amongst us.

Oh, give it a rest.

Obviously, the OP hasn't deliberately "failed" to provide a party bag to this specific child to teach him a lesson in resilience.

If you had any reading comprehension and weren't just being a goady fucker (or maybe you're a CF like the mum in the OP's story) you would know that.

OP hosted a party for her DS's birthday. 5 people failed to RSVP. Of those 5, one parent decided that the appropriate thing to do was to crash the party and act all dumbfounded that her vegan child wasn't catered for and an expensive, personalised party bag wasn't provided for him.

Sure, maybe the OP could have had a couple of spare party bags lying around. However, what if all 5 of the children turned up? Or other children whose parents gave enough of a shit about them to RSVP turned up with a sibling and those couple of spare party bags get given out? How many spares would you consider suitable so poor little James doesn't go home empty-handed?

OP hasn't done anything wrong. She provided every child whose parent bothered to RSVP with a personalised, expensive party bag. She went out of her way to purchase an additional vegan pizza for James when they decided to crash.

The OP hasn't gone out of her way to teach James an important life lesson. She simply didn't know he was attending due to his mother's ineptitude. However, does that mean that this isn't an opportunity for Amanda to allow James to be disappointed and help him build resilience? To show him that sometimes, his parents can make mistakes and that he's not always going to get what he wants.

He's 8. At what point, do you suppose a child of 8 years of age should be taught that he's not going to get everything that he wants? Kids are allowed to be upset, and disappointed and feel a bit left out. They don't need to be coddled from that forever or else you're going to raise nightmare adults who are entitled (like Amanda).

This isn't about OP teaching James anything. This is about Amanda refusing to allow her son to be disappointed and trying to rope other parents into catering to that.

Gosh I've enjoyed reading this thread. I would have gone tuna sweetcorn mayo for the jacket spud.

Love your attitude OP and completely agree James and his disappointment were not your responsibility.

Competitive underheating really tickled me 😂

Now why aren’t I surprised that it’s common for your circle of children’s friends parents to be flakey and forget to send RSVPs, or most likely keep their options open to until party day.

Birds of a feather and all that.

You’re another cheeky fucker that decides to turn up under the guise of “oh I’m so disorganised, I forgot to take 30 seconds to respond, to a party invite”.

And if they don’t make my little “James” happy by preempting that he may arrive and provide a space for him, then that’s on you and not my lax parenting.

Please tell me, if you’ve booked an event that means a numbered amount can attend, do you leave a couple, three, four paid for spaces in case a few James or Jamesess decide they’ll show up as nothing special to do or 30 second RSVP “forgotten” to be sent.

You and your children’s friends parents are teaching each other with disrespect, teaching your children that they can decide on the day if they’ll attend the party and treat others with disrespect, which are both wrong.

Yet, you’re having a continuous pop at a mother who is reaching her child to not allow themself to accept disrespectful behaviour.

Think on about teaching yourself and child boundaries.

But why get extra party bags? Surely it's for the invited kids? If not invited, no party bag. It's logic. If CF bring extra kids I would say no to that as well to teach my DS not to be a doormat. He's always kind and inclusive but when you have a party with invitations you have the right to only serve invites.

Seriously some posters on here are mad. £12 a piece why should she get spare party bags just incase? They are personalised anyway, so even if OP did get a couple of non personalised bags, this crazy mother would have complained. There would have been little point OP making up a few non personalised magic trick bags as James mother would still be complaining. She is a cheeky bitch.

Did James mother not even think about food? As the mother of a vegan should she not have thought oh I didn’t let host know about his dietary req? She just shows up without replying and expects his dietary req to be catered for. If you’re a vegan, you need to let people know for appropriate catering.

Finally James mother can easily resolve this by ordering a party bag for him. Unbelievable she is trying to guilt trip the host into ordering and paying for this. Absolutely no way would I, and I’m usually very flexible about this.

Fuck me this thread is wild.

Think you’re absolutely right op and @Lostcat is barking.

Extra personalised party bags (how does that work then?) and extra provisions for flakey fuckers. Just no.

The actual real grown up world doesn’t work like that - I’ve had to RSVP to a professional dinner this week - no RSVP no chicken dinner. The end,

People need to take responsibility for themselves and not blame everyone around them for their own shortcomings.

Great response

Why bacon? Does she not eat pork or something cultural where posting bacon is relevant? I don’t get the joke

She's vegan

Okay, I don’t understand why posting pork to a vegan is funny? You can tell OP hates this woman.

@HollyKnight OP's son was left out of James's party. The dad told OP that they didn't have room for OP's son. James was lucky to get an invitation to OP's son's party after that.

Wow OP there are some cracking comments from a few other posters on this thread now.

I mean seriously I think the only people that would expect you to have the psychic power of knowing James was coming to the party and to have a party bag ready for him are those who don't bother to RSVP and expect other people to still accommodate them 🙄. James parents messed up by not RSVP that is not and will never be your issue. You already did as best as you could to include him.

Anyway please keep us informed on any Lazer eyes on the school run this morning. This thread has turned into Party bag Gate lol.

We’ll handled OP! RSVP is the only way to guarantee a place at the table. Some of these comments are very unreasonable- maybe they are persistent non RSVPers. What if OP had received NO responses? Would you have expected her and her DS to stand at the party venue on the day, waiting and hoping on the off chance the kids would turn up? Totally unreasonable.

But you completely brushed it aside, without even a perfunctory 'sorry to hear about your's son's illness, that must be really hard' comment while continuing to focus all your concern and sympathy on a child that didn't get a personalised party bag.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Yeah. And her son doesn't even like him. Dunno why she bothered to invite him at all. I thought birthday parties were about the birthday child.

Oop, we can add “teaching children disrespect”!!! To the evils of having a couple of spare party bags! 😂

I am not “having a pop at OP”. I voted YANBU and said from the start that I thought Amanda was exceptionally rude.

However , I also said that I did think it was good / usual practice for a kids party to make sure you have a couple of spare party bags , for reasons outlined, and was met by a wall of irrational rage from OP and posters such as yourself. Thats on you lot not me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ive never turned up to a kids party without RSVPing , and if I did I certainly wouldn’t be texting the host afterwards to scold her about party bags.

Reply telling her not to be so silly. The request for an RSVP was clear. And if she says anything more publicly, repeat that she shouldn’t be so silly.

I really don’t understand why you have been criticised here. If I turned up at a party where I had not RVSP’d I’d:
a) be embarrassed (and apologetic)
b) would not have turned up with a £2 gift for an 8 year old
c) if I were vegan (double reason not to have forgotten to RSVP) I’d have happily paid for the vegan pizza ordered last minute for my child
d) I would have explained to my DC that mummy fucked up and forgot to RSVP so there is no party bag but I’ll make it up to them ‘cos it was my fault (and, no, I wouldn’t be buying them a replacement bag, they’d just get a later bedtime/movie etc).

As others say, if you contort yourself to plan for every possible eventuality of other people's CFery, all it does is facilitate and encourage that CFery … when CFs need to learn manners/organisation/to accept the consequences for their DC of their CFery.

I've just remembered my favourite Spud U Like filling, chicken, celery, tomato, hard boiled egg and mayo. However our city mobile spud man sells lasagne as a topping.