Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

Is it? It's not something I've heard of. Especially accommodating uninvited siblings.

Maybe it's common in some areas because they are accommodating CF's? It isn't that deep which is why it isn't hard to say that you made a mistake but aren't you lucky that you got to see a magician and have some delicious pizza. At 8, he'd move on quickly from that because it really isn't a big deal.

Well that wasn’t what I was saying at all. Or did you misread and think I say to some kids “Nope! No party bag for you Tommy - I noticed you cried at drop off the other day so I’m toughening you up!”.

Every child was catered for. I don’t have an obligation to make ‘contingencies’ and believe that if parents let “little kids” down it’s on them to remedy…or at least not be a dick to someone else and expect them to sort it like some lowly staff member.

Strategy for when she is pushy & demands to make a playdate.

I had a mum who would approach repeatedly, “my DC has been saying how much she enjoys your DC and they play at school all the time” (I knew mine did not like hers, but she wanted to get her child at my house for whatever reason - she was sooo pushy.)

I told her “I don’t make DC play dates, she organizes them herself & lets me know to contact the mums … she gets really angry if I make play-plans without her knowing!”

That was the end of her trying to get me to do what she wanted.

I also learned, all the mums will know this mum tricks already, or very soon. I think what she did with the pizza was revolting, taking it home was very rude.

one gaffe …. Ok, but she is multiple offender!

1. no rsvp
2. no rsvp & dropping vegan on you
3. mum eating the pizza
4. taking the pizza home without asking
5. the party bag
6. the party bag days later

she should have been groveling for forgiveness, thanking you for generosity !

I just find it…interesting that the kids who are massive wet wipes just happen to have wet wipe parents

What a lovely way to talk about a child who has done nothing wrong. It's not James's fault that your son is ill. I don't know why he's being criticised for not being hard like your son. If it was me I'd rather my son be a "wet wipe" than have to go through what your son goes through.

Years ago I'd have read this and thought it was fake but having now had two kids run the gauntlet of primary school parties I know what absolute CFs people are. We had a whole family turn up yo DD's party and help themselves to the buffet before Dd had even seen it. And when I say help themselves they are entire pizza, sandwiches, crisps etc. When the kids came through for the food it was half gone! we thought the family had dropped and gone like normal people but they had stopped by the buffet at the entrance to the venue on the way out.

What an odd thing to say. Her son isn't sick because she's brought him up not to lack resilience. Are you quite well?

Um, did you think I was implying it was James’s fault that my DS is ill? And trust me I’d rather my son didn’t go what he goes through but I also wouldn’t want him to be a wet wipe (my very healthy DD is not a wet wipe).

Im not criticising him. I think that post was clear that I feel sorry for him. I do think he’ll struggle through life through no fault of his own because of his parents and how they treat him

You seemed to be saying that the idea of getting a couple of extra party bags for contingency was outrageous for a number of reasons -one being that children should have some “resilience” and could do with “toughening up”. That’s what I understood, but perhaps I misinterpreted.

No you don’t have an obligation at all. That’s correct. In fact you don’t have an obligation to give out any bags, or indeed throw a party.

The most important question though.....did the child get a party bag?

If either of my kids - the healthy one or the sick one - was upset about a party bag at the age of 8, 3 days after a party I’d find the gentlest way possible to tell them to get a grip. Or at least say “Sorry son that was my fuck up - why don’t we contact X’s mummy to see if we can get Ken directly from the magician”. Not “Well the solution here is clearly to berate another mother!”

What utter hogwash, @Lostcat

No one is required to cater for people who can't be bothered to respond to a kind invitation.

Well @SouthLondonMum22 I had a few non attendees so not only did they get a party bag but so did their two siblings because their parents asked for them and I wasn't as confident of telling folk to fuck off as I am now

Honestly some people go so low.

Im wondering if Amanda has sent her cronies to the thread 🧐

Absolutely she shouldn’t have berated you. It was ridiculous she texted you afterwards. She sounds very odd

Wow. Imagine if everyone had turned up and all the bags were accounted for.

Yes you did misinterpret it.

my reasons for not getting extra bags - other than the fact it didn’t occur to me I’d have crashers - was cost and the fact I just wouldn’t plan for flakey parents, as well as they were personalised and I just emailed a list to the magician.

What I was saying is that IF a child doesn’t get a party bag for whatever reason, it won’t kill them. Thats life. People putting off their child experiencing unpleasantness or adversity for as long as possible are doing them no favours at all.

In fact you don’t have an obligation to give out any bags, or indeed throw a party.

Dont I?! Shit, I thought it was the law to throw a party and give out party bags! All that money I could have saved knowing I wasn’t obligated. #Fuming

Of course no one is required.
Also the catering is for the children, who are also not the people responsible for failing to respond to the invitation.

OP, Its late & I'm still up supporting DH who is working in the office room. I hope you don't mind me saying this but given the recent posts about your son I feel this thread has run it's course. You've had lots off support & rightly so. Perhaps given the situation it's time to leave it at that, or even remove the thread so as not to stress yourself even more with some of the latest less than supportive replies. Again just a suggestion as its obviously your call xx

What’s people’s opinion regarding parents taking their baby every day to the pub? No interaction , no toys. Even when I walk past to go to the shop I see them in there. They were in there later than me at New Year

So you think I should have ordered a vegan pizza despite the fact no vegan children RSVPd? Should I also have got gluten free and dairy free pizzas just in case?

It’s nearly full anyway, I’m honestly not upset at the comments about my son (I’ve heard worse you’d be surprised how many people make shitty comments) just a bit puzzled at some people’s logic!

No it certainly won’t kill them them miss out on a party bag 😂.

But your suggestion that you are in fact teaching them a life lesson by exposing them to “unpleasantness and adversity” is also absurd and that’s why I was making fun.

Just in case.

8 year olds are never allowed to feel disappointed apparently or expect to understand that sometimes these things happen and to be happy over what they did get to do.

Despite the last few pages of slightly different, posts I’ve really enjoyed this thread but for other people’s posts - baked potato recommendations, the Scandi Mandi appearance, giving children frostbite for their birthday and delightful hypothetical replies have kept me entertained all evening!

You said you don't give a shit about him, called him a "massive wet wipe", and said that won't invite him to a party every again. If that's you feeling sorry for him I'd hate to see what you think about the children you don't feel for.