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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS has quit his job to go travelling with a girl he just met

290 replies

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:11

I'm thinking I'm going to be told it is none of my business and to just be happy for him, but I am concerned so need some others views.

DS is 24, he has always been quite shy and kept himself to himself, more so since we moved to Australia when he was 11 as he was a confident child and lost it in his teens. He went to uni, he now has a good job and seems settled. In November he met a girl, she's 22, on her gap year. He had a relationship in his teens but nothing since. It has been like this girl has brought out a whole new side to him, he seems much more confident and relaxed.

Today he told us he has quit his job and they are going to finish her gap year together, mainly with those companies that organise gap year group tours, he seems excited. He is leaving next weekend, February, March & April SE Asia. May & June South America, July Central America then they will see what they feel like after.

TBH I am really apprehensive, this is very out of character and he doesn't really know this girl very well. DH thinks he has made a mistake quitting his job.

AIBU to be worried? Or as he is an adult is it on me to just leave him to it?

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 15/01/2025 09:36

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:34

I'll pass the advice on, but can I ask why?

I have had both my DDs do the SE Asia thing. I actually went to join one in Myanmar at the end of her 6 months. It felt such a safe thing to do, I stayed in hostels with her and realised the camaraderie that exists between what are mostly young people. Sadly Myanmar is not now a great destination, but any of the other countries would be great. I'm not even sure about using a third party to arrange trips. You are paying someone else to do something that you can do yourself. If you keep your options open and stay for a week or so somewhere, you don't need to be so worried about schedules so DIY can work well. I would encourage anyone to go travelling when they are young if they can afford it.

However the advice about not carrying stuff for someone else is paramount. It would be so easy for someone to drop anything into a rucksack e.g. amongst dirty laundry - Really do not let him be tricked into being a drug mule.

Lilactimes · 15/01/2025 09:40

Sounds wonderful @ilosttheracoonjack even though I sympathise why you’re nervous. I do think working lives are longer these days and tougher and the experiences of confidence this will bring will be valuable in later life. Sounds like a great relationship too.
i am sure it will all work out well and wish him lots of luck!

Noodlesnotstrudels · 15/01/2025 09:40

Katbum · 15/01/2025 09:26

Having known some drug smugglers in my time / they are unlikely to use accredited group travel organisations to run drugs across countries!

Ha, yes that's true! Brain not properly functioning at 4am. But i am surprised that OP was so surprised at everyone else being surprised that the possibility didn't at least occur to her.

I think the biggest danger is actually the second half of my post - that they have a big falling out half way through the trip and either lose money coming home or an awkward sharing of rooms for the rest of the trip. 3months isn't long to have known someone.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 15/01/2025 09:41

I can see people’s concerns here. What tries she do for a living? Beautiful, extrovert fun loving girls with money, but no obvious signs of where the money is coming from is a massive red flag. Alternatively a beautiful, extroverted fun loving girl with a great career and solid family ties would sound like a great adventure. Be very nosy.

isthismylifenow · 15/01/2025 09:41

doveshadow · 15/01/2025 09:27

What a sneery post. It’s Australia, not UK, and gap years are the norm. I have relatives there and all their kids do it. They aren’t talking about 2 weeks on the Costa Blanca. Travelling/backpacking does broaden their minds, you have to be resourceful, make connections with people, be able to manage tricky situations, you see more than your own culture, which some people could do with more of, and so on. It’s also a lot of fun.

I didn't even respond to that, as what I took from it, is that things are VERY different in other parts of the world.

Including negativity.

LateHouse · 15/01/2025 09:46

This could be me and my Husband.

We met at 23 in the January, quit our jobs and went travelling together in the May.

People thought we were mad but 5 years later we are now married with 2 children and a house together. Not saying it will end the same but worst case he can get a flight home if he's not enjoying it! The travelling will do wonders for his confidence.

Firingsz · 15/01/2025 09:49

Support him OP, this could be the making of him.
Travelling is so good for young people.
He has completed his degree, it is going nowhere.
Let him have this.
Be positive and encourage him to keep in touch.
Take a photo of his passport.
It really helped when my friends son lost his bag that they had a good photo of it for a temporary one to be issued in Thailand.
It messed up his travel though as he couldn't finish the trip.
Tell him mind it carefully.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 15/01/2025 09:51

Hi @ilosttheracoonjack , I sound like quite a similar man to your son, and I had a similar experience in my 20s that I thought I'd share.

I went travelling at 22 to Australia, with my brother for the first couple of months and then alone after that. Like your son, I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I've always really struggled to strike up and maintain conversations with strangers, so while I had an absolutely brilliant time, and did meet people and make friends while out there, I also spent quite a bit of time on my own.

Anyway, one evening a girl who'd been sleeping in the bunk below mine in the hostel struck up a conversation, persisted past my awkwardness and we just clicked. Sat up talking until 7am, and then did exactly the same the next night. I'd never just clicked like that with anyone before, and by the end of night two we felt like we'd known each other forever.

The only problem was that second night was her last is Aus, and she was heading off to NZ and then Thailand and Vietnam. We were both devastated, I took her to the airport, we had a tearful goodbye and she buggered off forever. We kept in touch over the next couple of weeks by email, and I hatched a plan that I could head to Thailand and meet her. I put it too her and she was ecstatic about the idea so I instantly sorted out flights and visas. I had to scrap all my existing plans, I was due to meet family in a few weeks and had work lined up in my next destination, so ruffled a few feathers when I cancelled stuff. My parents were also concerned that I was going off to a strange country alone chasing after someone I'd only known for 48 hours.

Anyway, I went, we met up at the airport and then spent 3 of the best months of my life in some wonderful places in absolutely wonderful company. The relationship didn't last, at the end of the 3 months I came home to the UK and quickly found a job, she went home to Israel and struggled to find one. We chatted online most nights and 6 months later she came over to visit me. It wasn't the same, when we went away for the weekend or whatever it was great, but at home I was working, she was rattling round the house all day waiting for me to come home. We made the best of it, but when she went home we both mutually decided to call it a day.

Despite that I wouldn't change a moment of it. I had 3 proper relationships before I met my DP of the last 20 years, and all of them had an hand in forming who I am now, taught me things about myself, some of it good, some of it bad. The one above though was by far the most important. It taught me that I was capable of spontaneity when I really wanted something, how to improvise. It taught me that with the right person, I was proud of who I was, I felt confident to be vulnerable and not have to hide parts of myself. It taught me what it felt like to properly fall in love, and to be loved in return. And it taught me that sometimes that's not enough, and you have to make an adult decision to do what's best, even if it goes against what you want.

6 months later, I met DP, and we didn't have the easiest start to our relationship. A month in I got her pregnant, although neither of us knew this until DP went into labour, and suddenly we had a baby. We weren't living together, were both fairly casual about the relationship, had busy lives so saw each other a few times a week. We had to have some hard conversations over those first few weeks, about whether we were going to try and make a proper go at it or just co-parent. In the end, it went fantastically and 20 years later we're still standing, but I don't know if I'd have handled it nearly as well had it not been for the prior relationship.

biscuitandcake · 15/01/2025 09:53

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:44

I think a joke has been taken out of context with the drug talk, I don't think she has asked him to carry anything, he was making a joke about her being an over packer, but the concern is appreciated and I will make sure he stays vigilant.

I think you/your son were referencing carrying someone elses heavy stuff when walking around a city/backpacking around a country. They thought you were talking about going through an airport. Everyone packs their own bag and carries their own stuff through customs. Its a good rule to have when travelling as its not so much that the girl is secretly a smuggler, but they will likely meet other people/make new friends. So its good just to have it as a solid rule from the start - makes it less awkward later on. And I would use that angle rather than "your girlfriend might be using you as a drugs mule."

So long as he knows some of the sensible rules around travelling (like the above) then he should go for it and hopefully have a great time!

Nonaynevernomore · 15/01/2025 09:55

Oh that’s a great life experience, you’ll worry for sure, but you’ll deal with it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/01/2025 10:00

I do wonder why they’ll be using companies that organise gap year tours, rather than organising it themselves. Both our dds did gap year travels (dd1 over a year after she’d graduated and had been working) but managed it all themselves.
Incidentally dd1 ‘fell’ into her eventual career via a voluntary job she did while away in SE Asia. She was away for 2 years, but funded most of it via sundry jobs, some of which were TEFL (she had done a course on purpose) before leaving.

pimplebum · 15/01/2025 10:01

Lucky bugger , I wish I’d done this
just make sure he has lots of comdoms!

NoWayRose · 15/01/2025 10:13

It has made me chuckle how this thread has gone from ‘ds got a new girlfriend’ to drugs mule in about three posts lol

So many threads about kids stuck inside gaming, not doing anything with their lives … sure some of these parents would give their eye teeth for their kid to get out there and explore the world with a lovely new girlfriend.

This is brilliant, he’s living his life, just the way he should.

JudgeJ · 15/01/2025 10:15

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:11

I'm thinking I'm going to be told it is none of my business and to just be happy for him, but I am concerned so need some others views.

DS is 24, he has always been quite shy and kept himself to himself, more so since we moved to Australia when he was 11 as he was a confident child and lost it in his teens. He went to uni, he now has a good job and seems settled. In November he met a girl, she's 22, on her gap year. He had a relationship in his teens but nothing since. It has been like this girl has brought out a whole new side to him, he seems much more confident and relaxed.

Today he told us he has quit his job and they are going to finish her gap year together, mainly with those companies that organise gap year group tours, he seems excited. He is leaving next weekend, February, March & April SE Asia. May & June South America, July Central America then they will see what they feel like after.

TBH I am really apprehensive, this is very out of character and he doesn't really know this girl very well. DH thinks he has made a mistake quitting his job.

AIBU to be worried? Or as he is an adult is it on me to just leave him to it?

Before they go, decide on an 'emergency phrase' so if you get one of those calls, Mum, please send me some money, without the phrase you'll know it's a scam!

SpringleDingle · 15/01/2025 10:15

Sounds like great fun, can I come? This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for him to travel If he is funding in it I'd wish him all the best. He can get another job when he gets home!

godmum56 · 15/01/2025 10:16

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:34

I'll pass the advice on, but can I ask why?

drugs!!

LBFseBrom · 15/01/2025 10:17

I think it is marvellous! Your son is young, why worry? He'll be back, enriched, and can find another job. He is at the right age for adventures, a few years longer and he'll have responsibilities so won't be able to do it so easily.

Newmoon8 · 15/01/2025 10:19

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/01/2025 10:00

I do wonder why they’ll be using companies that organise gap year tours, rather than organising it themselves. Both our dds did gap year travels (dd1 over a year after she’d graduated and had been working) but managed it all themselves.
Incidentally dd1 ‘fell’ into her eventual career via a voluntary job she did while away in SE Asia. She was away for 2 years, but funded most of it via sundry jobs, some of which were TEFL (she had done a course on purpose) before leaving.

Maybe they feel safer that way

MumWifeOther · 15/01/2025 10:27

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 04:11

I'm thinking I'm going to be told it is none of my business and to just be happy for him, but I am concerned so need some others views.

DS is 24, he has always been quite shy and kept himself to himself, more so since we moved to Australia when he was 11 as he was a confident child and lost it in his teens. He went to uni, he now has a good job and seems settled. In November he met a girl, she's 22, on her gap year. He had a relationship in his teens but nothing since. It has been like this girl has brought out a whole new side to him, he seems much more confident and relaxed.

Today he told us he has quit his job and they are going to finish her gap year together, mainly with those companies that organise gap year group tours, he seems excited. He is leaving next weekend, February, March & April SE Asia. May & June South America, July Central America then they will see what they feel like after.

TBH I am really apprehensive, this is very out of character and he doesn't really know this girl very well. DH thinks he has made a mistake quitting his job.

AIBU to be worried? Or as he is an adult is it on me to just leave him to it?

It sounds like he went through massive upheaval age 11 when you immigrated and this was a lot tougher on him than maybe you realised? Thank goodness he has now meant someone who has given him a bit more zest for life and inspired him to do something exciting and have something to look forward to! Support him! If it doesn’t work out, he can always come back home …

pinkyredrose · 15/01/2025 10:30

endofthelinefinally · 15/01/2025 04:28

Never never carry stuff for someone else. NEVER.

I doubt she's asking him to store heroin.

Chuchoter · 15/01/2025 10:31

Is her name Lucy?

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/01/2025 10:32

ilosttheracoonjack · 15/01/2025 07:23

I'm really shocked at all these drug mule comments, while I understand the risk and appreciate there is always a chance, it seems like such a minuscule chance that it getting this much attention is odd.

I'll give background on the girl to maybe help, she is british/french, just graduated in the summer, she came to Aus in the spring (well our spring anyway), did a group tour here. DS met her in a bar, and she was picking up some work in the city over the summer to get some more money before continuing with her travels, DS has been able to join the group tours she had booked before she even met him, except one which they let her cancel and swap for another one that did have an extra space.

While I will tell DS to be vigilant, he isn't a young 24, he is very mature and not stupid, I trust him to follow his instincts and if that looks like him stuffing a few of her extra tee-shirts in his bag as hers is full then I don't think that is crazy or risky really at all.

Again, I do appreciate the advice but it seems like people are catastrophizing and jumping to worst case scenarios which there is 0 evidence to support there being anything above the most miniscule chance of happening.

I'd agree on the drug mule front.

It'll be an adventure. I met my DH like this. Left my job, had some fun, we both found new jobs, we've now got 2 kids and a house.

Pipihihi · 15/01/2025 10:34

Well that honestly sounds wonderful. They may or may not get along the whole way through so just be prepared to catch him if required.
that aside hope they both have a wonderful time. Also I am sure the girls parents are indeed thinking the same! Maybe get their number too if needed.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 15/01/2025 10:37

I did this in my 20s randomly went off with new boyfriend - we split have way through the trip and we just continued on travelling separately - made loads of friends and had the best time

in wouldn't worry

LostittoBostik · 15/01/2025 10:40

He's so young and has no ties. Even better he has a CV already which isn't going anywhere while he takes a break to see the world and explore this new relationship.

This bit stood out: "this girl has brought out a whole new side to him, he seems much more confident and relaxed."

This sounds lovely! You say the decision is out of character, but if he was lost in his teens, maybe he's finding himself and with it his inner confidence. How wonderful for him - and for you.

Give him a big hug and wave him off happily. He'll have a brilliant time whatever happens with this girl. Travel is always a brilliant investment