To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

From my own experience i would do these:

• make sure you go in every week. Eg if you drop your DC at nursery on Monday then go in. If he's ill at the start of the week expect to go in at the end
• if you stay at home with DC can DH finish work a bit earlier so you can focus on your work for a few hours whilst colleagues still around
• can you catch up in the evening if you've had downtime with DC during the day
• take some annual leave to cover the downtime for example if you've worked 2 or 3 part days in a week then take a half or full day leave. I'm not sure if my employer would have requested this but it made me feel better
• could you share days with DH eg both work half a day on the sick days and you could still go in to the office for half a day
• things are likely to improve in the spring can DH put more flex in his own schedule until then

The first year of nursery is brutal and I felt bad every time I needed time off for sickness but it is what it is. Your employer has said all the right things, only you know whether they are likely to mean it or not. Goodwill goes a long way so if there's anymore that you can do from your side eg the things above then that is likely to go down well with your boss and team.

I wouldn't worry. It can't be helped.

FWIW my DS got a new illness every 3 weeks when he started nursery, each lasting 2 weeks! This completely calmed down at the 7 months point (I vividly remember as I'd read it would take 6 months to calm down and had been panicking it never would). So you probably don't have long to go till things will get better and you'll be able to be present at work more. Your work probably understand it will settle down. Keep moving forward, it will be ok and the constant illnesses will soon be a distant memory (unless you have another baby, my second started nursery last week - pray for me)!

Your DH needs to step up. You say he will lose reputation....but even though you're still being paid its still likely losing reputation. It needs balancing a bit more so its not all on you. Or reduce to flexible working while your little one is so little. This is life with kids whilst working, it's a tough juggling act.

Your husband needs to step up and if your team are covering they are likely to get annoyed before your manager. It's tricky with a young one but if you are getting a full time wage you really need to make an effort, I'm not saying you'll never need carers leave but it shouldn't all be down to you. I was a single parent and did find a childminder more flexible than nursery and also useful for getting a wrap around place when school started.

Hi, I work full time and I felt after my second that I was very unreliable as I was having to take time off a lot due to child sickness. The first six months were rough but it does get better as they get older. Every cold won't come with a temperature.

I felt utterly exhausted as to stay on top of my job I often had to work into the evenings.

My message - it will get better

I voted YABU as you raised this with your employer and they responded to say they are not concerned. Mine are older teens now, but we went through all of this when mine started nursery. Those first few months of starting nursery are the worst (or best for building their immunity) so the chances are you're through the worst. Agree with PP - any chance of you making up hours in the evening? Shows goodwill towards your colleagues

I would bet a lot of money that if you were self employed and your husband was employed you would be doing most of the childcare still

Make your husband step up

Yes, I think that's a really sensible way to run a trade anyway, because it means you get an even BETTER recommendation for clearing out early for the big jobs, and you can mop up those small jobs (probably at a better rate because people don't take them on).

That would definitely be the case if OP's manager was happy to extend deadlines so that she can complete her work once her child is back in nursery.

However, if the deadlines are fixed so OP's work then needs to be completed by the other members of the team, this will surely lead to resentment, particularly if this means that they need to work late or at weekends so they see less of their own families?

If it's your childs first winter at nursery then you'll probably find its better over the summer and it will be easier next winter too.
BUT It does sound like your nursery is sending your child home a lot - what are their policies on these things?
Because they should measure and record the temperature over a period of time to show it remains high/increase (at least that's what our nursery policy is, so they call and tell us it was x temperature at this time and we remeasured and its not come down etc)
If he frequently has loose stools or you know he's tried new food then talk to them - my friend had it agreed that they only send her son home after 2 very loose stools because he just always had loose stools, that was just his digestion.
We spoke to nursery about introducing something that my husband is intolerant to and said we suspected she might react to it, so they didn't send her home for loose stools during that period of time.
You're paying for a service and deserve a proper explanation of why it can't be provided.
If your child never has a temperature at home despite repeatedly being sent home for it, then talk to them, explain that you think he runs hot during naps etc and see what they say
Sending home for being clingy is nuts to me, though that's apparently when he's actually unwell? But no temperature to back that up? Sometimes kids are just extra tired or not in the mood.
It's obviously unsustainable so you need to push back with nursery a bit or your husband needs to step up.

Why don't people returning from mat leave put the child into nursery a couple of months before they are due to go back to work so the little one gets exposed to viruses etc beforehand or at least make sure they are exposed to other people and children during that time.
A third or fourth child has this in the family as exposed to siblings and their friends and will start nursery with less problems.
You are getting paid to do a full time job - if your childcare is preventing this then cut down your hours

Probably money 💰
Lots of people can only afford childcare if they are working. Maternity pay isn't exactly wads of cash.

And before anyone says its not just the mums responsibility if the Mums on maternity pay then you'd assume the Dad is paying all or most of the household bills etc.

Not only money but they also like their child and enjoy spending time with them? Plus it's also timing. My son was much better in the early part of nursery because it wasn't flu season. We were absolutely hazed by viruses in the run up to Christmas, a couple of months extra in August/September wouldn't have made a difference.

Completely depends on the nature of the deadlines, the company culture and the nature of your work colleagues – firstly no decent company should have working late or weekends be the norm or expected unless it's an exceptional necessity, secondly it's unreasonable to resent a colleague who is genuinely having a very rough time (see previous point, it should be the company's burden to bear).

People don’t want to hear this though. You would have to be a massive wanker to resent a colleague who was dealing with a small poorly child. It’s not like they are drinking cocktails on the beach.

Even if they are picking up the slack that’s not on their colleague. It’s a problem for management to sort out. Manager picks up the slack or gets a temp in. Management don’t feel this is needed. That’s their call. Being pissed off at a colleague isn’t going to make their child less sick.

We would all have loved to spend time with our child and would have loved to keep the dual income no kids lifestyle of holidays and nice cars but it isn't always possible and the company and colleagues aren't there to keep this a possibility.
I have worked with too many piss takers who are preparing to leave at 4:30 so they can be in the car at 5pm for nursery pick up, or get a phone call at lunchtime from nursery/school and then about ten minutes later say they themselves don't feel well and have to go home. This can be both mothers and fathers.
Plus moan at me for booking annual leave during school holidays as "your children are nearly grown up" and will ask to swap - DH is a headteacher.
Some nurseries are suggesting that a child starts part time before mat leave ends now there is earlier funding so the child can settle in

Have you got a copy of the nursery policies? Are they aware you're working from home - and you're not always free to pick him up?

When we started using nursery, my son was sent home LOADS more than his friends - for unhappiness, rather than illness, but they'd often call at 1pm or so and say he just didn't seem happy and settled, and did I want to go and get him, so I did. Turns out they knew I was self-employed and therefore just didn't really value my time as much as everyone else's, and then I felt the pressure to go and get him.

Our nursery is really strict on illness, you can't be there if you're unwell, but as a result we've only had one illness from nursery in 2 years.

We're contacted with three loose stools; or two incidents of high temperature, taken half an hour apart. He's not been sent home for not being himself. They would sometimes call and say he's been a bit less happy/is asking for mummy/etc, but that's very rare.

To be honest, I think you probably will lose your job if you carry on like this - so even as a self-employed person, I think your DH needs to step up more, and you need to talk to the nursery about how often he's being set home. Your value for money must be shocking right now and you can't expect your colleagues to pick up the slack forever.

Many people do, including most of my NCT lot, but this doesn't mean they'll quickly develop an immune system.

Where I used to work (Higher Education), senior management never ever picked up the slack and because of budget cuts, temps were never an option to deal with temporary workload issues due to staff absence. Support staff had set hours but other staff were paid for the job and evening and weekend working was expected to meet deadlines.

This culture came from the top but it didn't stop staff unfairly resenting their absent colleagues.

That’s because you worked in education and most management are absolute bastards. I used to be a teacher.

This doesn’t apply to OP though as it sounds like she works in an office. Education is a different ball game where people just don’t matter.

and your colleagues are still wanky arseholes resenting the wrong people.

Have you considered having a nanny/mothers help in your own home? This way you will always be free to do your own work.

DH could definitely be more flexible if self employed.

What is your work policy for time off for dependents? While they are saying don't worry, are you suddenly going to get hit with a lower pay packet as they have taken time off you.

I used to work as a teacher. We got 2 paid days off a year if your child was ill. These could not be consecutive. Where I work now I don't get any days paid and if I need time off for my children it goes unpaid.

I therefore think you are in a fortunate position and shouldn't push your luck. If nursery send him home every time he's a bit clingy, you need to stop that. Are they really unwell, or could they be ok for a few extra hours til you finish work?
Can you work in the evenings to make up time if you are off (Flexi time)
I also agree that surely a perk of being self employed is setting your own hours. When we had someone to build a wall in our garden they seemed to do very few hours a day! Turning up around 10, leaving at 2. If little one is ill, could you share the days you take off, or at least half a day where you work and he watches the baby, then you take over and he goes off to work?

It is unlikely management do pick up the slack though. The work just gets shared amongst the other employees and however much sympathy they might have about a poorly child, that won't stop them feeling frustrated over their workload increasing due to them.

Also imagine if there are several members of staff off with poorly children because they notice that the company seem to be fine about one person taking time out.

I don’t need to imagine. I work in HR. Like I said, there is a legal right to time off.

Honestly. Who cares if your colleagues are pissed off? Let them be. We all get pissed off at work. We forget about it quickly.

However well you get along with your colleagues, that’s all they are. People at work. They aren’t your friends. They aren’t your family. You can like them, but you don’t have responsibilities towards them outside of the workplace. They are accidental, bit part players, temporary tourists in your life. I’ve had some of the best laughs of my life with colleagues, in and out of work, worked with people for years, and when I’ve left that job I’ve thought of them no more once the door closed behind me. Probably keep in touch sporadically with 3 people over a work history of 30 years. I’ll make new ‘work friends’. I certainly wouldn’t be keeping in touch with anyone who had a grudge because I’d had time off with a poorly child 3 years ago.

If staff feel they are being put under too much pressure … it’s a management issue. If management aren’t mucking in …. It’s a management issue. It’s nothing to do with the absent colleague.

It’s just a job. You show up, do your work to the best of your ability, get paid, go home. Sometimes life gets in the way of showing up, and there’s usually legislation as well as policy to cover such events.

You don't owe it to your colleagues to take a financial hit just so you can be seen to ‘share the load’ with your partner, so you lose their pay for the day especially when there is paid leave for you available. Your colleagues don’t owe you that from their side either. I wouldn’t expect them to. Your contract is with your employer, and paid leave is the part of that. the responses on here show some really unreasonable expectations of people you work with.