To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

Am in the camp of considering a childminder? I know they are like gold-dust, and it doesn’t protect your child from never getting ill, but amongst my CM friends (I was one for a while too) you tend to find their charges get ill less often due to a smaller cohort. A CM can be more fastidious in ensuring hands are washed etc where a nursery may not be able to.

I think you may also want to discuss flexible working with your company. ie, can you log on and work in the evening when your DH is home so that you are working more efficiently and effectively on sickness days - at least until you are over this hump? It sounds as though you have, at the moment, understanding employers and colleagues but sometimes good will wanes if you aren’t seen to be doing something about it… such as exploring the CM option?

As a childminder, I won't take "potentially unwell children"
I do have a policy and it's 48 hours just like nurseries and most schools.
I have a duty to protect the children in my care from contagious illnesses.(it's in the EYFS documents)
If a child needs calpol then they need to stay at home.
Exceptions are common colds, if I excluded for that then I'd have no children in the winter months.
I also have it in my contracts that if a parent knowingly sends a sick child I can terminate the contract immediately!
So if you choose a childminder make sure you have a good chat about illnesses and that your/her expectaions are.

Sounds very much like my nursery rules. Fair enough, too!

You're expecting your boss and colleagues to be understanding of your child being sick but not the people your DH is decorating for. Why the double standards? I think our (female) decorator is really sensible as she estimates something will take her 5 days but knows it will most probably only take her 4. That way, she has got some leeway for childcare issues, pet related issues etc. She doesn't charge a day rate but charges for the job so it makes no difference to the customer. It does means she earns less but she enjoys the odd Friday off and often has a list of people who want really small bits of work needing to be done so can call them on a Wednesday evening and say she'll do their job on a Friday.
I also think you need to be firmer with nursery. He's a bit clingy - well, why don't they see how he does for the next hour or so and then let you know. He's a bit warm on waking up - well, they know that's standard for your DS by now so why don't they see how he is in an hour.
I would also say don't rely on the fact that emergency days are paid at your place. Ours used to be but after a couple of people had a run of having one or two days off a week for months, the policy was revised.

To be honest I don’t really understand the voting options.

If you personally think you are taking the piss (your title), then make some changes.

Having said that, your employer hasn’t raised an issue yet so you would be fine to carry on as you are. But if you are well paid and have the income for childcare, there’s no reason not to pay for it.

I hate employers that make other staff pick up work for colleagues on maternity leave. It does just build resentment. Management need to support you, and also support the others who are in work in ensuring they are not overloaded. That is not your burden.

I have been a manager in a large business and also a very small business and have always been supportive of staff juggling children especially on a return to work.
It sounds like you are ok at the moment and you are valuable to them so they’re being fair and patient.

however I would also do the following to mitigate a potential rise in resentment.

1. your DP needs more flexibilty. this needs to start right now somehow. Maybe he always covers Fridays regardless - it’s not fair you and your business is shouldering entire burden. Maybe in years to come he doesn’t take jobs in Jan for example so he is around for all childcare at a time of year when there’s lots of illnesses so you can really support your team.
2. can you do work in the evenings to catch up and show you’re really trying at the moment. I have worked 9pm until midnight many times to catch up.
3. offer to take unpaid leave the next time it happens - even if they say no, they will appreciate gesture and if they’re struggling or want temp admin help they will have some budget.

Try not to feel guilty - just be as proactive as you can in coming up with solutions that show your employer you’re trying. It’s a really hard time of year and employers have to be as understanding as possible especially if they feel their employee is meeting them half way.
good luck OP x .

Get a childminder...now! My friend lost her job due to the same reason - her child was constantly sick and off the nursery. At the childminder's he is less likely to catch bugs as there are fewer children. And it will be a lot of fun, as they tend to take them out and about in a car to clubs, playgrounds, softplays, etc. Mine went till he was 3 years old.

What about the baby OP? What does the baby say?

DH and I do half days each is the kids are sick, it’s easier to catch up that way and it shows our employers we’re not relying on just one of them to take the hit.

But you OP could lose your job and your family’s secure income. Stop trying to be superwoman and get H to share the load.
Hopefully this is a blip and your child will be over his illnesses soon x

This.

I think the true position is between the 2 options you have presented.

You aren’t taking the piss but equally this situation isn’t sustainable either.

The statutory right is to unpaid time off for dependants in an emergency situation. Whilst you are being paid now, I expect the time will come where your employer tells you this will now move to unpaid.

I think you need to look at options such as more reliable childcare, going part time, and what your partner can do to pull his weight.

Yes, this - the suggestion about the CM is not that you can send sick kids OP, it’s about the fact that if they are only mixing with 2-6 other kids, they are exposed to fewer germs so will get sick less often than in a nursery where there may be 20-30 different kids, plus 4-8 more adult staff.

The issue you seem to have is recurrent sickness - reducing germ exposure and moving to an environment where the caregiver is less likely to miss hygiene routine seems to be key to helping reduce your child’s sickness and negatively impacting your attendance/productivity at work.

Agree with the CM comments - no they will not take sick children (rightly) but your child will be exposed to less. Mine went to CM and although they were sick on occasion it was nothing like as frequent as kids who go to nursery seem to come down with things

Slightly different perspective here - I’d say you’re almost through the worst, 3-6 months of constant illness is the norm when they start nursery but often after that there pretty resilient to most bugs. I wouldn’t dash to swap settings if you’re otherwise happy. Agree on your DH building in a bit of slack to help out too though.

Firstly DH needs to do more regarding pick-ups & drop offs as he can schedule his own time. I’m not sure why you can manage 2 days but not 3 days? I bet on the days he does drop off you are still getting DC ready in the morning, when you probably need to leave before DC wakes up & get in super early to leave on time.

Secondly, get tougher with nursery. At the moment they see you as a soft touch. Before COVID, most nurseries would (with permission) give Calpol for slight temperatures & only send the child home if their temperature didn’t come down. Now, I see my colleagues being called because the child is teething etc.

Obviously, I’m not suggesting leaving a sick child in nursery. But have a word with the nursery manager or just be less available. So if they phone up with loose stools, tell them you wouldn’t be able to get there for several hours as you’re working away, but you’ll call in an hour to see how he is.

If they are frequently calling near the beginning of a morning or afternoon session, I would also suspect they are overbooked and looking to off load. Or they are understaffed & can’t factor in a child that needs a bit more attention. They are calling you because they know you will be more likely to drop everything without question than (eg) a doctor who has a full clinic or surgery booked. If it’s going to be a couple of hours before you can collect, it won’t help their ratios so less likely to call you unless it’s actually necessary.

Agree - we have decorators in now and one of the team has had both kids sick (one before xmas, the other afterwards). He has shared care with his ex so also needs to do pick up and drop offs some days, but he was clear that he does this. They will come in on a Saturday to work if they have fallen behind. Reputation is about reliability - if your DH is up front [ie has a young baby so may need flexibility] most people hiring them will take that into consideration.

We have no issues, even though it means the job may take a week longer than originally planned, because the quality of work is excellent and the communication has been open and honest.

The first year is brutal but it is only temporary - their immune system gets better and also when they're older they can entertain themselves a but better when they're off with you

To keep the good will though I'd be trying to come up with a solution like working at the weekend or evenings when your husband is home, so that you can catch up on some work

I wouldn't bother with childminders, that can leave you more vulnerable when they're ill or have other emergencies that means they can't take your child (but that's just me)

This might be your first child but good employers have been through this many many times professionally. And maybe even personally. They know that whilst you’re perhaps not a fully performing team member now you’re doing your best and it’s generally for a short period compared to your working lifespan. You just need to ride it out

💯

Have you considered a nanny? That would allow for sickness cover. Recognise it's not cheap but the current set up does sound unsustainable, for your employer to tolerate.

??

That’s quite a jump.
Her employer is quite fine with it.
Nursery bugs are time limited. She’s pretty much at the end of the worst bit!

OP, word to the wise.

STOP saying to your employer that you are worried you are not performing/up to scratch.

It sounds like they are being supportive, which is great. But if they were minded to let you go, YOU ARE GIVING THEM REASONS AND EVIDENCE TO DO SO SAFELY.

Protect yourself and your DC. You can only do your best.

Are you pushing it?

Yes.

Is it a problem yet? No.

It does sound like you and your partner need to reconsider a few things including:

Split of childcare responsibilities during working hours. You get paid and he doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean you take the Micky with your employer. Starting point needs to be 50/50. You’ll only keep getting paid for emergency childcare if you keep your job. You may also find that you’re stretching the definition of emergency childcare. For many that means enough time to make appropriate arrangements. Be that finding someone else to look after the child, or for you to make arrangements to take the necessary leave. A routine illness that your child has yesterday is a logistics challenge, not an emergency.

Your childcare arrangements. If your nursery are as restrictive on unsettled / temp of 37 / single loose nappy then they may not be what you need long term for a senior role. You may be better with one with a slightly more pragmatic attitude. No one expects nursery to keep a sick child, but it’s reasonable for them to care for children with normal variation through the day.

How you use your leave and your approach to working hours. Given a lot of this isn’t emergency child care, you need to be sensible about this. Maybe book a days annual leave a week for the next 6 week and reduce your total working hours. When you’re working at home with a child be realistic about how much you can actually do and see what can make up in the evening.