To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

You're pushing it with your employer, and you're pushing it with your colleagues. Something needs to change

As others have said, your DH needs to step up - maybe he needs to work Saturday morning to make up lost time. Swap out the nursery for a childminders- way less bugs and remember this isn’t for ever. The first year back from maternity was shite for me as well, but it does get better. I’m sure there were plenty of occasions s before the baby when you went above and beyond at work - now it’s payback time.

Also, his "employer" i.e. client changes every few weeks I'd think. So he only has to annoy them once by taking half a day with an ill child.

Your employer is the same, and you'll be annoying them multiple times.

hi! I’m not sure if he is ALWAYS ill, as the main reasons he is sent home are usually borderline:

• loose stools. Could be a bug, or equally just some new food - often hard to tell at first
• ’not himself/clingy’ - usually this does actually mean he is unwell
• temperature - he does genuinely run quite hot and can wake up from a nap very warm, sometimes if they say he has a temperature then when I get him home he seems okay, and his temp is under 38, and doesn’t spike again even without any calpol.

I work in HR. It is ok actually. That’s why there is legislation covering it. To show it’s ok.

If employers don’t like it then tough shit, they shouldn’t be running a business if they don’t want to comply with legislation, to be blunt. Employees have a legal right to time off for dependants. Whether that time off is paid or not is down to the individual employer, so if they choose to pay it then they don’t really have any cause to be complaining that employees are being paid for it.

My DH is self employed. Wouldn’t dream of asking him to miss a day of work for a sick child when I get paid for X number of days a year. After they are used I can use holiday leave. After that I can use unpaid leave, still better financial sense than well paid DH to miss a day of pay. Please don’t ask me to cry for the employer. I don’t owe them a favour and I don’t owe them loss of household income because my child is sick, when I have the option of doing the above. Think you are very misguided to think anyone should do.

OP I feel for you. First few months of nursery are rough. It gets better!

As others have said, your DH needs to step up. Your employer is obligated to say what they are saying to avoid discrimination. I have previously worked on a small team with someone who was constantly off due to having a sick child, left early every day for pick up and was always given first dibs on annual leave. They also ended up being given more wfh time.

I never said a word to the woman but from the perspective of a colleage, it is incredibly frustrating constantly having to pick up the slack and I felt soo much resentment towards both my employer and this member of staff.

For future, do not ever be the one to suggest that you're falling short. You're basically volunteering an admission of failing.

I don't think I would have raised the fact your performance isn't up to scratch with management. But, their response seems supportive to me. You raised the issue of poor performance, they acknowledged the problem but stressed that you couldn't help the current situation, which will hopefully start to improve once we get through winter. I don't see that as a mixed message. It would have landed them in the shit further down the line if they'd lied and said, 'no, no, everything is going well, the team is doing fine', and then the team gets hauled over the coals by senior management at a later date for failing to meet targets.

You recognise that issues outside of work are impacting your job. So far, management are supportive, but that won't last forever. I think you need to develop a better long-term plan for when childcare issues arise. You said your job is well paid - can you afford to pay a childminder to do drop off/pickup on the third day you're supposed to be in the office? If your child is sick, can you afford to pay for emergency childcare at home? Would it work out better if you pulled your child from nursery and hired a nanny? I've no idea which of these options may be within your budget, but I think it's worth exploring solutions - including your DH pulling his weight. Men seem to think being self employed means they get to leave all the plate-juggling to someone else so they can focus on their very important job...yet self employed women seem to manage it all...

Then surely the OP should be checking their employer’s policies on leave??

Yes there is legislation around the right to unpaid parental leave, but the OP is taking paid time off.

As far as I’m aware, there is no requirement for employers to pay for leave related to children’s sickness??

Seem like nursery staff look for excuses to reduce their workload!

I think your DH needs to try to do 50% but I understand sometimes that isn't easy. I think thankfully a lot of employers and colleagues have been there and will give you extra flexibility the first few months back as nursery illnesses are just awful. We have used nursery and it has some advantages but when we've used childminders we've had far fewer illnesses and by the time pre-school or school starts they have more developed immune systems whether they attended nursery or not.

Unpaid parental leave is different and separate to this. Don’t conflate the 2. 2 separate rights with separate rules and purposes. There is also a legal right to time off for dependants, whether paid or not. It’s covered in the employee rights act. While there is no requirement to pay many employers do choose to pay. If they choose to pay and OP is using that benefit, or annual leave etc I’m really not sure what the issue is!

The only one of those that the nursery would definitely need to send home for is a temperature. Loose stools are not the same as diarrhoea which they should be sending home for. Also 'not himself' or 'clingy' is a bit vague and could be used as an excuse to offload children.

Do you know any of the other parents at the nursery? Do they have a similar experience? As a parent I would not be happy with my child being sent home every week. When my children were in nursery they were sent home perhaps once every couple of months. Obviously I would collect them if asked but if they were sent home weekly I might start looking for alternative childcare.

So you get your full salary while doing less, your husband gets his full salary while doing the same amount of work and everyone else at your work gets to do all the work you aren’t doing for the same amount of money but with the added bonus of going home even more tired and stressed every day.

Ok but you do need to consider the employed person's position too - it could lead to them losing their job completely? Or limiting promotion opportunities- it is so short sighted.

Doesn't have to be 50/50 but surely OP's DH could rearrange his working hours to at least do her 3 days required in the office? She is leaving herself massively open to being managed out.

Absolutely. This is why the OP needs to check her employer’s policy because they might actually pay for some of the leave she needs to take, through one policy or another .

However, her posts seem to suggest she thinks she is going beyond what is allowed in the policy because she thinks she’s “pushing it”

Do you know what your employer’s policy says OP?
Beyond that, are you aware of what is common practice in your organisation?

They are being very careful in what they say. Resentment is growing. You are not being fair to your colleagues. I worked in a school years ago. I was a single parent of 2 and only took time off if I absolutely had to. My children were generally very healthy and old enough to know that, unless they were actually at deaths door, they just had to go to school ( I realise your child is far younger than that). I got paid if I was off for a day with a sick child, which was absolutely crucial as my exhusband was patchy with money. Another teacher returned from mat leave. She was off for a day/ two days/ three days a week every week. Her child didn't have serious health problems, if she sneezed her mother took a day off. In the end the governors acted. We all got a letter to say that, if we took time off with a sick child, that was absolutely understandable, but we would no longer be paid unless the child was in hospital with a serious illness. She didn't particularly care because she had a husband with a very well paid job. Not being paid was far more serious for me. Be careful. You will muck it up for yourself abd fir the parents that come after you.

Its over 20 years ago now but I used to tag team with my husband. He's a teacher so tricky for him to get time off but he would go in early and then set work, teach a bit and leave early so I could go in for the afternoon. We didn't take the piss so to speak and my job was just as important as his. There are ways around it - you just need to be more flexible and creative.

She feels like she’s taking the piss because she’s been off a lot due to kids with nursery bugs. Because she’s not in the office the mandated number of days. Sounds like she’s got a decent employer who understands it’s one of those things and won’t last forever.

Seeing as she’s EXPLICITLY asked and they’ve EXPLICITLY said it’s not a problem, I’d say that answers that question.

Behind the policies and beyond common practice … well therein lies manager or HR discretion. Manager says it’s ok. It’s ok.

Don’t feel bad OP. It’s one of those things and sounds like you’ve got a supportive employer. Good for you! If you get it paid then even better.

Sorry, what?

Decorators round here are booked solid for months! He needs to take on fewer jobs so that there's slack in his schedule to look after his child. Tradesmen are notoriously unreliable, which has a plus side in that being unreliable is basically expected of them.

So does your reputation.

I had this exact conversation with someone at work yesterday. Yes you feel guilty, you KNOW its an issue, your company are supportive and your kid will grow out of it at some point.

Assume you've been there more than 2 years which means you have more employment rights?

Some companies / bosses are ok with this. Mine are and it sounds like yours are too. Just do your best, perform as well as you can and pray it will improve.

I would be pretty pissed off with nursery if they sent my child home because of clinginess or not being themself. That’s not an illness. I would want something more tangible than that, and I’d be complaining if it happened again. My little snot bags are off sick enough without that, specially in the first 6-8 months!

Understandable for the other issues. 3x loose stools, or 1 vomit gets ours sent home, as does a fever.

child 1 started nursery during Covid. DH and I both started new jobs around the same time. Bloody nightmare. I felt like you did, worried the team was picking up my slack,worried about passing probation, worried about having to take constant time off - every temperature needed a Covid test so that was 48 hours off straight away. It was never Covid, just normal colds and bugs. Very glad I work for a supportive employer