Christmas Presents from Boyfriend

[PandyDandy]

I don't want to appear ungrateful but I am upset that for Christmas I made a lot of effort and bought my boyfriend of 1 year several presents that I knew he would love, which he did.

His presents to me were a bag of what I would describe as 'junk bits and bobs' and a print out of voucher for a couple of activities, although he hasn't actually purchased a voucher, it was 'I owe you' situation.

The bag of junk came to around £80 and the presents I purchased him came to around £300. I know money should not matter but I saved up to get him really nice presents I knew he would love and earn considerably less than him. He is well off and doesn't have financial difficulties.

AIBU?

*vouchers

I'd be very upset too. He's clearly put no thought or effort into what you asked for or what he thinks you might like. He's thoughtless, selfish and lazy. Even if he only got the perfume you liked and nothing else, it would've been better than what you received.

You can either tell him you're upset and expect more thought in future or break up with him and find someone who enjoys giving gifts like you do.

I think it might be a man thing though because my Dad was terrible, my FIL gives some questionable things to my MIL, and some XBF's have given me some truly hideous gifts I never would've chosen in a million years. I hate for people waste their hard earned money on things I don't want and won't use.

Although my husband has never been quite this thoughtless with his gift giving, he doesn't enjoy giving gifts as much as I do and is quite lazy with his Christmas shopping. I now send him a list of things I'd like and he picks and chooses which ones to get. Honestly, I think he's grateful for the list because he doesn't have to think about it and I'm not disappointed lol. Win-win.

I spend approx £200-300 on him and I expect the same in return. Birthdays we don't do as much, and we don't really buy any "just because" gifts throughout the year, so I think that's a reasonable amount for Christmas. It's the only time we spoil each other with "things" and the rest of the year we show our love with actions.

I am talking here generally. The fact is some men can know what you like/don’t like and still walk around with no clue.
Just talking from my own experience. I mean thought as in ‘at least he’s tried to do something but has not got it spot on!’
Not as in he’s bought a load of make up that will never get used.
I sent plenty of men to other areas of the store when they described their wives/partners/girlfriends. Because men would walk in and ask us because we were the first department.
I think the whole point of this thread is about the fact that the OP did suggest something she would like, that he would know about, he didn’t even need to ask in a store, and he basically ignored her.

I’ve had 37 years of totally crap present buying. He knows he’s rubbish at it, with vouchers that never get fulfilled being top of the long list of misdemeanours. Lazy? Unimaginative? Tight? Maybe all three. Either accept that’s what he’s like or move on cos he isn’t going to change! Even with a list.

I'd agree not a deal breaker. My DH is bad at presents and I knew this when I was dating him. In 4 years I've gotten 3 (not great) mugs and most recently a travel mug (I very rarely drink coffee out so don't need a travel cup). I've accepted he's thoughtful in other ways. I don't put too much money or effort into his presents but still put a bit thought of thought in.

In this case it's a bit cheeky to ask for expensive stuff and then not give similar in return. If he's not otherwise a bit greedy and selfish, I'd chalk it up to a miscommunication.

I think a first Christmas with a new partner can be hard, unless they really know you. My husband is hugely generous, but he always asks what I want and buys it. Ditto, I for him. Some men are utterly useless at gift giving, some don’t really “get” gifting, and I’ve no idea why. I had a friend whose husband NEVER bought her a Christmas gift, despite her supplying him with wish lists, and clear directions. She divorced him, because she said his whole mindset was stingy. You sound very generous OP, and I think when you are a good, thoughtful, give gifter, what you are given in return (even by someone who is meant to be close to you) can be disappointing. It’s not entitlement, it’s a case of finding somebody who has the same mindset as you….. and sadly perhaps this guy isn’t the one for you ?. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes it’s better to think about the situation, and maybe move on before being hurt again, and feeling as though you aren’t cared about.

I think you’re justified in feeling upset, and you don’t sound entitled at all. It’s not about the amount of money spent, but the thought that goes into gift giving. You clearly listened to his wishes, but he’s given no thought to yours. What a shame. Have you discussed it?

If you want to stay with him, then going forward tell him that as he obviously felt under pressure from you, then it will probably be a relief for both of you to agree not to buy for each other. Then spend the £300 on yourself!

My DH got me a book, chocolates a jumper and some PJs which I returned as I don't really like then (he was fine with that!).

I was absolutely delighted with the book.

My point is that your gifts aren't bad, they just aren't suited to you. I find you really have to be explicit with men. The romantic gestures are rare unless you say 'I would like...'

Reading all your posts, OP, to be frank your boyfriend sounds as tight as a duck's arse.🤬

He earns way more than you but insists everything is 50/50?

Doesn't sound to me like he spent anything on you at all for Christmas. Old chocs he had hanging around his kitchen - and knew you would have seen 😡 - an autobiography of someone you have never heard of - regift I guess - and some cosmetic item for around £30 which, dependant upon what it is, again could be a regift, something thrown back at him by an old girlfriend or picked up for peanuts in a sale.
Then the hand made IOU's? Did you actually ask him why one of those were for a band you don't like but he does? 😡

I say all of this as one half of a very old married couple who don't bother with official birthday/Christmas gifts nowadays but my DH is still always surprising me with odd little inexpensive flowers/gifts which are totally unexpected but really appreciated. I do the same with the odd bottle of wine he particularly likes.

I honestly would dump this guy. Definitely a tight arse who is showing you no respect or affection at all.

Hold him to the ‘I owe you’ vouchers and make plans to do them in the near future in case he is thinking of ending it

It does sound stingy seeing as you kindly got him what he had asked for so he was well aware of the price, he should also have got you the perfume

Is he stingy at other times as well

If you aren’t happy because he isn’t showing his affection by buying gifts now when you are dating, by no mean start thinking that :

• he will change when
• he will get better
• i don’t mind

if something is important to you, stick to it. Find someone that gives you what you want. Plenty of fish situation.

good luck 👌🏼

Me and my OH have been together 20 years and have never spent £80 on presents for each other, let alone 300. Do you think you're trying too hard?

This 👆 The gifts he gave you seem rather thoughtful. Thoughtful and loving should be more important that showy and expensive!

Its not about present giving- it’s about how present he is!

Did you say anything to him about it OP? Have you told him you’re disappointed? My ex bf once bought me a saucepan, two towels and a couple of books for Christmas. I’d never received such odd ‘domestic’ gifts before. He was genuinely shocked when I said I wasn’t happy as he said I didn’t have a big saucepan. And I only had one set of towels - I was living overseas temporarily 😂 he was just a very practical gift giver. I still have the saucepan … 21 years later and use it all the time! He did better once he knew I wanted personal gifts. I’d tell your bf you’re disappointed…and if things don’t change I’d look for a new one!

Seems like because he has money you want lots of it spent on you.

Seems like you couldn't be bothered to read the whole thread.

It sounds like you’re chasing the idea of a perfect relationship which is all about show not substance. Do you like him enough to ignore his lack of perfection or do you think it would be worth looking for someone more on your wavelength? He’s unlikely to change x

@StrawberryWater I’d be very happy to receive those.

I bought my boyfriend of 4 months 2 gifts of clothing which he needed, costing a total of £110. He asked me what I'd like and I said "I don't really need anything", hoping for a nice surprise. I got a surprise alright - He gave me a £5 box of chocolates! I learned the difference between NEED and WANT. Next time he asks I'll give him a list to choose from 😀

I think you’re basing the value of your relationship on how much your boyfriend spends on you rather than how he treats you. Is he kind? Is he attentive? Is he loving? Does he treat you with respect? Does he put you first?
There are men out there who beat the shit out of their woman and then turn up with an elaborate bouquet to say ‘sorry’.
My DH has never bought me flowers, not even when I gave birth, but he’s the first one out of bed to make me a cup of tea every morning, he takes good care of me if I’m unwell, we snuggle up on the sofa to watch tv, I get into my car and find he’ll filled it up with petrol… I could go on, and although DH has bought me expensive gifts for ‘special’ occasions, they are not the norm and it doesn’t matter, because love isn’t about how much money he spends on me, or that he doesn’t buy me ‘just because’ flowers. Love and care is shown, it is not demonstrated with ££££ 🎁 and 💐

Christmas was weeks ago, it’s definitely done and dusted and I’ve moved into 2025. I’m sort of baffled why you’re still festering about this.

I can see that the bag of things potentially doesn’t sound like much thought has been put into things which would bother me. I would have moved on by now I must say, life is too short. I don’t think I’d have an issue with vouchers for activities he’s thought through but potentially not had the time to physically get the voucher for? Make sure he follows through with it and enjoy it?

but back to my original point, Christmas was weeks ago. If this is still an issue you need to speak to him and not mumsnet and potentially move on to someone else.

Having heard the full story it does sound thoughtless and uncaring of him. Do you value the relationship otherwise, love him and see yourself having a future together? If so, talk to him and let him know you are disappointed and see if you can get a common understanding on gift giving and showing care for each other. If not, what are you doing with him? One year is quite long enough to waste on someone you don't love and can't communicate openly with.

Goodness me,that's alot to spend on a bf of one year,I only spend £30 each on my son,daughter,son in law and granddaughter,I put the money in their banks,and they buy what they want with it.