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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Presents from Boyfriend

184 replies

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 19:39

I don't want to appear ungrateful but I am upset that for Christmas I made a lot of effort and bought my boyfriend of 1 year several presents that I knew he would love, which he did.

His presents to me were a bag of what I would describe as 'junk bits and bobs' and a print out of voucher for a couple of activities, although he hasn't actually purchased a voucher, it was 'I owe you' situation.

The bag of junk came to around £80 and the presents I purchased him came to around £300. I know money should not matter but I saved up to get him really nice presents I knew he would love and earn considerably less than him. He is well off and doesn't have financial difficulties.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:16

Mummyratbag · 14/01/2025 20:14

It was cheeky of him to ask for £300 worth of stuff knowing he would not spend in the same ball park, unless he didn't expect all the items or the vouchers are worth similar.

The vouchers were just print outs of possible activities - he hadn't actually spent any money, more like IOU's.

OP posts:
LizzoBennett · 14/01/2025 20:17

Erm, I think he doesn't see this relationship going anywhere and thought he'd try being a CF. No one asks for a £300 gift and then gives hardly anything in return unless they do not have any respect for that person.

Sunnywalker · 14/01/2025 20:19

Get rid of him unless you want to continue on that trajectory!

Floralnomad · 14/01/2025 20:19

Having read the rest of your comments @PandyDandy I’d dump and move on . Very cheeky asking for expensive stuff and then not spending a roughly equivalent amount .

Catza · 14/01/2025 20:21

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:13

would you feel upset if you asked your BF what he would like (and he kept telling me) to get no effort back.

I am sorry if I have appeared entitled.

Show quote history

Next time (and next boyfriend!) don't ask. Half the fun is figuring special ways to treat someone and, honestly, £300 on a new relationship is over the top. It will inevitably lead to issues and unmet expectations.
I also got an autobiography of someone I don't know and don't care about as a first Christmas gift. Which is something we laughed about years later. What I do for my partner, though, is something you might describe as "a bag of junk" which is a box of his favourite things - an expensive shower gel he likes but never buys for himself, a couple of upmarket hand creams he also would never buy for himself, a book, a bag of his favourite sweets etc. Nothing that tips over the £100 mark usually and all the little things he loves and is happy to receive. I have never in my life asked him m what he wanted. That just seems lazy to me.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/01/2025 20:22

So he told you specific expensive things he wants for Christmas and then ended up reciprocating with a bag full of shite that he clobbered together at the last minute with IOU vouchers that he didn't spend any money on ( depends on if you stick around for such lovely treatment ) and ignored the perfume hint you offered....

Yeah you're not entitled you are well withing your right to feel pissed off and let down.

Get rid of him, he doesn't respect or value you at all.

PoppyRoseBucky · 14/01/2025 20:25

I think your first mistake was spending £300 on him.

Your second mistake was expecting/hoping for an equivalent spend back. If I'm going to spend over the odds on presents for someone-I do it with the expectation that I won't receive the same in return and I have zero hope for receiving the same in return.

Now, if his gifts show little thought to what you would actually use and like-and he's ignored what you have specified that you would like i.e., the perfume, that's a bit of a different issue.

Is the issue that he put zero thought into the gifts he got for you or that he didn't spend as much on you as you spent on him?

When he mentioned the things that he would like, was he giving hints that he expected all of those things or was it just a general list for you to choose an item from, but you went all out and bought the lot?

It's a tricky one as it's your first Christmas together so expectations are still being set. £80 is still quite a bit of money to spend on your first Christmas together.

Maybe in future don't spend £300 with the expectation that the person will match it.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/01/2025 20:25

Was the book something you'd read by an author you like?
Was the cosmetic something you'd use?
Surely the vouchers might have some value, you could use them with him or a friend?
It's mean to call it junk in my view. Unless they really were stuff from a pound shop that you have no interest in.

Next time literally give a list of a few things, nothing you know is above his price range. Some men are useless at gifting but you shouldn't be ungrateful too much.

Pelot · 14/01/2025 20:28

Throw this one back Op. These types of behaviours don't age well!

FallenRaingel · 14/01/2025 20:29

You didn't have to buy anything he hinted about just like he didn't have to buy you perfume.

Doesn't sound like a relationship worth continuing if you are so upset and focused on money. Committing to experiences for the future is showing some thought imo if it was things you would like, if not then he's not that into you. Dump and move on. Not worth the drama after a year.

Mummyratbag · 14/01/2025 20:38

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:16

The vouchers were just print outs of possible activities - he hadn't actually spent any money, more like IOU's.

Show quote history

Were the activities something you'd like to do? Will he actually book (and pay) for them? If not then he's a CF.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 20:38

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:05

He has always said 50/50 on things - he dropped huge hints on what he wanted so I did my best - obviously 50/50 didn't happen for Christmas.

Show quote history

I think this is a bigger red flag than the Christmas presents thing if he earns alot more than you. It's nice to go halves but it's also nice for the higher earner to treat the lower earner. Me and dp have fluctuating incomes sometimes he has more than me and sometimes me more than him and we act accordingly.
He's going to be a nightmare if you ever have children with him.
It sounds like he isn't prepared to put anywhere near as much effort as you in.
His £80 "junk" may have been nice if it was well thought out and appropriate but it doesn't really sound like it is.

PhilomenaPunk · 14/01/2025 20:39

Rather than focusing on what he got for you I'd focus more on why on earth you were prepared to spend time listening to his list of wants as if you're Santa Claus and then spent quite frankly a ridiculous amount of money on someone you haven't actually known for very long. Especially when he quite clearly doesn't care about what you want as he did not ask you in return. What were you hoping to achieve by spending so much time and money on him? I'm not asking that question to be rude, I think it's an important question as it will reveal what you're not getting from him and from this relationship.

Icanttakethisanymore · 14/01/2025 20:41

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:16

The vouchers were just print outs of possible activities - he hadn't actually spent any money, more like IOU's.

Show quote history

So is the idea he pays for the activities? We’re the activities things you enjoy doing?

LostittoBostik · 14/01/2025 20:41

Yes it's not about the content of the bag - which could be nice if they were special chocs or a book that you've been desperate to read - but it's the thoughtlessness

Some people simply do not value gifts. It sounds like he's one of them. If you want to stay with him you need to let it go. It's ok to walk away if you can't do that

Deadringer · 14/01/2025 20:42

The gifts sound ok at first, a book, cosmetic items and chocolates would be perfect for me, but a book I don't want, cosmetics I don't use, and chocolates that were hanging around his home for months sounds absolutely shite. Next time (if there is a next time) set a mutual budget and tell him what you want. I agree with pp, he shouldn't have asked for an expensive item if he was going to buy you tat.

Original poster
PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:44

FallenRaingel · 14/01/2025 20:29

You didn't have to buy anything he hinted about just like he didn't have to buy you perfume.

Doesn't sound like a relationship worth continuing if you are so upset and focused on money. Committing to experiences for the future is showing some thought imo if it was things you would like, if not then he's not that into you. Dump and move on. Not worth the drama after a year.

Not focused on money upset by lack of effort after him being very specific about what he would like. I'd give a stranger my last penny if they asked.

OP posts:
Hello39 · 14/01/2025 20:45

Did you post a few weeks ago, and you asked for a certain brand of makeup and a perfume and he only got you a mascara and no perfume?

Hello39 · 14/01/2025 20:46

And he asked for quite expensive branded things (that would not have a cheaper alternative)?

Original poster
PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:47

Hello39 · 14/01/2025 20:45

Did you post a few weeks ago, and you asked for a certain brand of makeup and a perfume and he only got you a mascara and no perfume?

This is my first post.

OP posts:
FallenRaingel · 14/01/2025 20:48

PandyDandy · 14/01/2025 20:44

Not focused on money upset by lack of effort after him being very specific about what he would like. I'd give a stranger my last penny if they asked.

Show quote history

Clearly he wouldn't. You are very different people.

You say he's wealthy, he wouldn't stay like that if he was spending recklessly.

He spent £80 on you not a fiver. You are sounding very entitled.

Zanina · 14/01/2025 20:49

Dump him he is telling you that he doesn't think you're worth spending on. If he wanted to he would have given you something nice but he may be viewing you as a temp gf and wanting things 50/50 is pathetic. Imagine having a baby with this idiot. There's no 50/50 when it comes to pregnancy child birth and keeping a baby alive.

Needmorelego · 14/01/2025 20:51

Have you actually talked to him?
Does he have any clue you're upset?
What were the gifts he got his family like - he could just be crap at doing gifts.
Now Christmas is over it's a good time to sit down and say that you were a upset about the way the gifts happened.
You need to discuss what you will do as a couple next year (and for birthdays this year).
Between the two of you decide on a budget and decide do you do wish lists, surprises or a mix of both.

Zanina · 14/01/2025 20:51

I don't think you're entitled. £80 for someone who earns well is a kick in the teeth especially when they gave you a list worth £300. He's testing you to see how low your standards are. Cut out vouchers and old food from his house is disrespectful. It's been a few weeks since Christmas and you're still feeling down about ot which means he hasn't done anything to fix the situation either. You can do better you know you can

GreenSkyes · 14/01/2025 20:53

He could be bad at buying presents or spent a stupid amount of money on tat. Could he be short of money at the moment? Are the vouchers for things you like?

It sounds like you're very generous with gifts, which is lovely and he's very lucky. You need to decide if his poor gift giving is a deal breaker, or you reduce your spending on him in future.