Christmas Presents from Boyfriend

[PandyDandy]

I don't want to appear ungrateful but I am upset that for Christmas I made a lot of effort and bought my boyfriend of 1 year several presents that I knew he would love, which he did.

His presents to me were a bag of what I would describe as 'junk bits and bobs' and a print out of voucher for a couple of activities, although he hasn't actually purchased a voucher, it was 'I owe you' situation.

The bag of junk came to around £80 and the presents I purchased him came to around £300. I know money should not matter but I saved up to get him really nice presents I knew he would love and earn considerably less than him. He is well off and doesn't have financial difficulties.

AIBU?

My partner of 10+ years is shit at presents. He tries his best but if I want something I tell him what I want. He will buy it me no questions. He prefers some guidance instead of having to be psychic. Is he kind and thoughtful in other ways?Perhaps gift giving is not his way of showing affection. If the relationship, sex, etc is otherwise good, I wouldn't ruin it over gifts. Also why on earth are you spending that much?? I don't spend that much on my kids!!

I think it would be sensible to agree a budget for birthdays / occasions / Xmas etc going forwards…… I personally don’t want presents from my husband or him from me…. We use money towards doing things we both like, nights out, holidays.

some people are naturally more generous than others when it comes to presents …. Some are better at gift buying. Some people have been brought up buying and receiving more lavish gifts.

Mark it up to experience and agree something budget wise going forwards. Or each buy a pair of gig or theatre tickets for future gifts so they are all more of equal value

You are looking for what he doesn't have.

You can choose to stay, and be upset at his lack of thoughtfulness every birthday/valentines/anniversary/Christmas/Mother's Day, or you can choose to accept he is not a naturally generous man, and just get on with it.

If you do stay in the relationship, you need to drop the roses tinted glasses and get analysing. If you're a giver, is he a taker? Analyse what you actually want in a relationship ship and don't compromise on the fundamentals. Do a profit and loss analysis. Figure him out in everyday possible and put yourself in scenarios based on your relatio ship rules and figure out who fares better in the relationship. I'm will to bet it will be you who has to compromise, do more than 50/50 and not have anything to show for it. But if you decide to stay you have to accept what he has to offer you.

It's not the lack of spending, it's the lack of thought. Chocolates from the back of his cupboard? An autobography about someone you dont even like? He's a dick. If he can't make a bit of effort now at the start of the relationship then God help you in a few years. As PP said - throw this one back in!

Call his bluff and book all of the activities and make him pay

I think present buying can be a key thing in relationships. I know couples who are happy to spend £30 on Xmas and just don't bother, vs couples who go overboard. I personally agree it's the effort and it's best if it's matched otherwise one person will always be resentful.

My DH is not the best at buying gifts but he does try which is what I want. I have learnt to be honest ( with only white lies) for example for years he kept buying me a diary. I don't use diaries as I have my calendar on my phone. But as I always said thanks I love it, I just got a new one every year. This year he bought me some lovely PJs as part of my gift that were a surprise. I had asked for pjs but wanted them to be a surprise. I absolutely love them but we have been together 25 years and I do try and tell him what I like as I am mature enough to know he's not a mind reader.

What made you start a thread about Christmas presents 3 weeks after Christmas. What's the point in festering all this time. If you think he doesn't make enough effort, just ditch him and feel happy on your own,

Thank you for your kind response! Yup, I am sad and think I should move on - it's not about the money moreover the lack of effort .

My husband got me nothing. Also didn’t take the kids shopping to get anything. I’ve told him
how hurtful that was and he just doesn’t say anything.

he obviously knew how much you would spend OP as he asked for the expensive item. Hes likely to get worse and worse. If you stay with him lower your expectations as his gifts will get worse and worse over the years til you end up with nothing. mine just started out with cheap crappy presents, things that I actually don’t like, like a bottle of alcohol that I don’t drink, or stuff bought from the 711 late at night, or towels. Sometimes I would even say I don’t mind what I get just don’t get me towels, and then he would again buy towels. I also got nothing on my bday, he actually forgot last year.

Oh Lord that's crap - thought I got a raw deal! So sorry.

He didn't know you were going to spend £300!
If you're otherwise happy and still enjoying the honeymoon phase, I'd drop this.

He printed off home made vouchers so didn't actually spend any money. One for a band I don't like but he does and one for a beauty treatment. No dates for either just ideas from him really.

I asked what he would like as he seems to have everything and wanted to get something useful/wanted.

If you're planning on staying with him you'll just have to lower your expectations.

I have 3 DCs. One Christmas my ONLY gift to unwrap was a potato masher which was a joke from my parents (who also gave me some money as there was something expensive I wanted).

My DH got me nothing. And nothing from the kids either.

I felt like shit. Really humiliated that he couldn't be bothered.

I had got him loads of things he wanted and needed and from the kids too.

I'd see it as a sign. Does he really care that much?

I had an ex that was like this. In his case it was partly that we had different approaches to present buying, and partly that he was an abusive twat (not saying that's the case here)

But the only Christmas we were together, I got lots of "you'd better buy me something good" "don't buy me cheap crap" and so on.

Now my way of present buying means spending time finding that perfect something. And if it ends up costing £5 in a charity shop then so be it.

His way was to buy lots of things without any thought as to if they were appropriate.

So I bought him a specific, retro item and some other things I knew he'd love. I spent more than I usually would because of his comments in the run up (like I said he was abusive)

He got me 3 cheapish bath sets, eg a Sex In the City set with shower gel etc, when I'm not a fan of SiTC and have very sensitive skin so can only use certain brands. A fake silver bangle which was not my style at all, and a sterling silver bracelet which I actually love and still wear 8/9 years later. (It was about £10 in Argos)

I don't think the amount he spent on you matters @PandyDandy , but the lack of thought does.

I needed clarity albeit weeks later. You are right I am a grown up - gonna suck it up and move on!

I think these sorts of posts will always have a range of replies. You'll always get the martrys that never get anything so you should be grateful for crap and the ones who's partners spend all year planning the perfect gifts. Ultimately it's what you're willing to deal with, personally if he was a lovely person with lots going for him I'd give him another try e.g. birthday present but if this is a continuation of his usual self I'd let him go. It doesn't make you entitled as such but you are entitled to have a relationship you feel happy in and not just because other people have it worse. You can also end a relationship for any reason.

I'd be pretty pissed at that aswell OP. On what planet does he think odds and sods are acceptable when he has obviously asked for significantly more . Christmas and birthdays are generally when we like to spoil people and show our love and appreciation with a few well chosen gifts . He sounds like someone I'd bin off tbh or you'll always feel let down . People can say he's obviously not into gifts of Christmas but he certainly seemed to be when choosing his own .

He's bloody rude and tight - 2 crappy personality traits right there. You DO NOT drool heavy hints for expensive items with no intention of reciprocating.
The diy vouchers would really piss me off too, particularly for the band he likes.

Would dump immediately and move on and don't spend so much ££ on a boyfriend of a year again??!

It is irrelevant if you are being unreasonable or not. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

There is a mismatch of expection regarding present giving between you and your boyfriend. You need to decide how important that is to you.

If expensive presents are very important to you in a relationship, perhaps this isn't the relationship for you? If it is important you probably need to address this up front before committing a year to someone. I not sure how you will address this up front without sending out a big red flag to potential boyfriends though. Good luck.

There’s a reason he has lots more money than you! Disgusting user. New year, new man I think.

It would be the inequality that stings. His precise demands for expensive presents, whilst ignoring your reasonable request for perfume and instead rooting around his cupboard for old chocolates and the remaindered part of the book store.

I'm dying to know what the Biography was.... Not Boris Johnson's? Maybe "My life as a Fly Fisher" by JR Hartley?

You could have quite a lot of fun with some return vouchers for him for experiences you never intend to pay for.

This made me laugh. I am 60 and granny to 7, I would love these presents. 😆😆

I'm glad I read your updates OP as I've changed my mind

He sounds like a lazy arse and I would be really upset with a BF who put so little thought into a gift

Dump him