Christmas Presents from Boyfriend

[PandyDandy]

I don't want to appear ungrateful but I am upset that for Christmas I made a lot of effort and bought my boyfriend of 1 year several presents that I knew he would love, which he did.

His presents to me were a bag of what I would describe as 'junk bits and bobs' and a print out of voucher for a couple of activities, although he hasn't actually purchased a voucher, it was 'I owe you' situation.

The bag of junk came to around £80 and the presents I purchased him came to around £300. I know money should not matter but I saved up to get him really nice presents I knew he would love and earn considerably less than him. He is well off and doesn't have financial difficulties.

AIBU?

I stumbled across a YouTube video yesterday that said…
Stop being so ‘nice’ to men when you first meet them.
I agree.
Had he not asked for a single thing and turned up with a random bag of crap, it would still be thoughtless but not quite as bad but…

1. he has enough of his own money for the treats he wants
2. he brought old chocolates out of his kitchen
3. he ignored OP’s very specific pointer about perfume she likes
4. pretend IOU vouchers are the height of CF. This man is selfish. Raise your bar. You deserve better.

He told you what he wanted so I think you can now tell him. Voucher for a band you don’t like — tell him you’d like to swap that for a Spa day next weekend , here at X , you can book it online. Hand him your phone to book it.

Yes I'd be upset

Have you spoken to him?

He's clearly tight. I hate tight men - especially when they're tight of thought and consideration

What have you done about it?

I gave him an absolute earbashing! Told him he was a self centred prick, and that I felt like his mother rather than his wife and equal. He didn't like the mother comment! He has improved massively since.

Glad to hear it

£300 is a huge amount to spend on a bf of a year. Especially as you had to work hard and save up to provide that.
I don't think I've ever spent more than about £50 on my DH of 16 years.

It sounds like you just have different expectations of what gifts should be.

And in his defense, the IOU vouchers sound cute and thoughtful.

I feel you OP! To me presents are something you wouldn’t buy for yourself.. a treat… my very recent ex bf got me a couple of things that I asked for and that I wouldn’t buy for myself. Total was about £35… our budget was £50.. along with those he got me cheap supermarket chocolates.. a cheap rucksack…. Not once have I ever used a rucksack, mentioned buying one, plus I have a chronic back condition so I wouldn’t use one anyway, and some resistance bands. If I needed or wanted any of those things.. I’d buy them myself! They’re hardly expensive or a treat! It wasn’t about the money.. it was the complete lack of thought! It was raffle prize tat, nothing more!

so that sealed his fate as it was a running theme.. not just in terms of gifts… the whole relationship..

so yeah…. Lack of effort and thought says alot if you ask me!

Thoughtful? For a band HE likes and OP doesnt?! Thoughtful my arse, it sounds lazy.

So interestingly my (now) ex bf made loads of effort for our first Christmas (we had been together 3 months) but no effort for my birthday 6 months later. He also dumped me via text a month after our anniversary! I just honestly don’t think some people really give any thought to what it means in terms of what their effort communicates and in honesty the effort he made for our first Christmas didn’t actually translate into him having any care or thought for me further down the line… I say move on lovely as it’s clearly really upset you! Know your worth x

Why does anyone have to teach another adult how to buy gifts? She did basically tell him what she wanted, and just got thoughtless gifts. The money spent is irrelevant. The issue is his thoughtlessness and lack of care. That’s not something you can “train” someone out of, and nor should you try.

Wow what a depressing post. So your DH treats you like that but you still have 3 kids with him and just resign yourself to ‘lowering your expectations’ - jeez attitudes like this are part of the problem. Men treat women like this because women accept and enable it.

That’s the moral of this story op - two choices. Lower your expectations and accept a life of not being valued, or don’t accept it and believe you deserve better.

I like books and chocolate and luxury toiletries and make up. But from this it sounds like just stuff he had hanging around and he put zero effort in.
So it's really it not
just or even mainly the money-it's the lack of thought and effort which makes you feel worthless.
IOU print outs instead of actual vouchers you can use to book an experience are crap too-because IOU can be never ever.
Do you think he may it have much money? Couldnt afford gifts?
How is the rest of the relationship, if its good I would be asking to book the experiences.
If it's not great then it's time to walk away
Some people do make more effort at Xmas and birthdays than others, different expectations can cause issues-do you know how his family usually mark birthdays and Xmas? Are they also laid back/ minimum effort?
If the relationship continues you need to set expectations for birthday and Christmas, perhaps not romantic but less tears all round

If you are going to be this passive, then you are destined for years of disappointment with this man.

Ignore all the entitlement accusations, "I only spend thruppence ha'penny on my husband of 40 years" type posts. Thoughtful gift giving and receiving is important to YOU. So you either accept that you and he are on completely different pages wrt something that is important to YOU and accept future disappointment in this regard, whilst hopefully balancing this with your enjoyment/appreciation of whatever good qualities he brings to your relationship. You can resort to his level and regift his bag of crap (which was crap, because none of it was of use to you or even bought for you by the sounds of it) for his birthday to make a point that he can't treat you like that. Or you can actually talk to him about how hurt you feel. Or you can sit him down right now and make him book and pay for those IOUs, booking a band that you like and a really nice/quality/expensive treatment of your choosing. Or you can dump his cheapskate, thoughtless arse and look for someone who is on the same page as you on are on this matter than means something to YOU - not others, YOU.

But for heaven's sake, don't be passive and just suck it up!

Really?! In context of the other absolute shit he got her, you think an IOU, when he has plenty money, one for a band he likes, is cute and thoughtful? Christ, you need to raise your standards.

as PPs have said - it’s not a deal breaker by itself!

DH is absolutely terrible at presents - he’s not remotely confident about what I’d want - he gets me a bottle of my ‘every day’ perfume and assorted snacks in a bag ever year - (we’ve been together for the best part 20 years and he makes 250-750k depending on company performance)

it’s not a lack of love. In the early days he would absolutely have panicked and bought some strange vouchers or similar.

gift giving is not his love language. He is extremely affirming in other ways though - he communicates well, prioritises time with me, tells me how grateful he is for me every day and is very considerate of our childcare commitments (I’m a SAHP) when planning work travel. He’s a great life partner despite being horrible at presents.

If giving and receiving gifts is a really important part of you feeling safe and loved in a relationship then you need to consider whether this is something that conversations about budget and expectations might help? Or whether someone who guys spontaneous flowers and chooses (nice!) handbags unprompted might be a better fit!

Can't you buy yourself 'just because' flowers?

This.
He's selfish, mean , thoughtless and obviously doesn't respect you.
Chocolates he'd had for a while, a book you had no interest in and a pretend voucher to go and see a band he likes !!!!

I say this all the time about gifts, especially if the man isn’t short of money, even if he can’t choose himself, just go into John Lewis with a budget.
I used to work on cosmetics/perfumery and even a photo of the girlfriend/wife and a few details about her were enough to put together a nice parcel. Even if the recipient doesn’t get exactly what she wants, I think it’s still nice to receive something where thought has gone into it.
I have a male pal who isn’t the best at gifts and when he first met his now wife he rang me in a tizz and no clue. I had met her a few times and half an hour later sent him off with a list. It’s wasn’t anything extravagant - think lovely shampoo and conditioner, a gorgeous body cream, a good quality hairbrush, cashmere socks.
He’s got so much better but I still get jokes from my friend’s wife about what I’m getting her off Joe for Christmas.
Every man has at least one woman he could ask for advice and I’d rather I got a perfume that wasn’t really me than some old dried up musty chocolates!

Yabu.

My husband and I agreed a budget of £80 each this year.

Last year, it was £20 as things were tight.

A mismatch in present-giving doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

Set boundaries and expectations in a non-judgemental way.

Maybe you could both come up with a list 5-10 things, to help pick out what’s desired?

I'd be upset too. What did he get you for your birthday last year.

If he's great in every other way then I'd just not make an effort with presents for him for birthdays or Christmas in future.

An ex of mine made no effort for my birthday and was then very put out when I did fuck all on his birthday, 🤷‍♀️ that probably was another reason why I finished with him, I give them the same energy they give me

Don't agree. OP is not entitled
I don't think it's too much to expect a nice present. Not expensive but something you really want or need that shows some thought has gone into it.
My ex bought me a pendant for a chain. It had a treble clef on. I am not musical at all. Into sports. It just felt like a last minute dash to the shops present. A pair of socks for my chosen sport would have been perfect.
He is now my ex. Turns out very self centered

I used to work on cosmetics/perfumery and even a photo of the girlfriend/wife and a few details about her were enough to put together a nice parcel. Even if the recipient doesn’t get exactly what she wants, I think it’s still nice to receive something where thought has gone into it.

I find this interesting, because to me asking the staff in John Lewis or similar is an example of no thought going into it. But then, I don't want cosmetics or perfume and would expect someone i was dating to know that.

How on earth is OP entitled? he has no qualms asking for gifts with £100s then buys OP a fraction of that and items which are nothing she'd like.
Also, £30 is NOT an expensive cosmetic item.

To add ; printed out box hers that he hasn't actually bought is pathetic and pointless.