Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

I think have a conversation with her and explain how you feel.
Could it be a full class party? So they'd invited all 30 and forgot to count the son. The number is limited and your son wouldn't actually know anyone except birthday boy? Could you arrange something more suitable 1-1 together? We've had to stop inviting family friends to birthdays parties, we can't afford to add extra people on and it's always awkward when they don't know anyone and the birthday kid has to try look after them and make sure they're not left out, not that we don't love them!

While I feel your heartbreak so so much (I have two autistic kids who get invited to barely anything and do notice and do care), if your son has a friend, I'd try extremely hard to look over this for now. Just friends are super valuable.

It really depends if she’s being 100% honest. Or if it’s an excuse. Only you can know that, OP, from your relationship with her

I’d assume she’s being honest. If she’s limited to only 6 kids, she obviously included your DS in that small group. Once mine were at school, if numbers were limited my DC wanted school friends. So I couldn’t always invite pre-school friends (such as kids of my mates). She has included your DS in the small number originally invited.

I can understand her reasoning if one child has to be uninvited. If the 5 invited kids are all from her DS’s class, it’d be awful having to choose one to retract the invite from, who will have to hear them all talking about it at school, likely feel sad and wonder why it’s them. Whereas your DS at least wouldn’t have this. Plus, they probably all know each other, whereas your DS will only know the birthday boy, so may be feel a bit shy with the other kids and cling a bit to birthday boy.

What I can’t understand is why she can’t pay for another place on the activity. That’s what I’d do if I’d made this mistake. Or is it something they can only do as a 6 or costs a huge amount per child? If the latter, could you offer to pay for an extra place for your DS?

Could a get together separately, where your DS gets birthday boy all to himself, actually be more fun for him, rather than being with kids he’s never met?

poney party for a start. With a set number of available animals.

My kids have been invited to a few of those.

To only name 1.

what is your solution?

What exactly do you suggest the hosting mother does right now?

I can see why she chose your DS as it would be harder to leave a class mate out. When DS started school we used to do a class party & then he would meet up with a couple of mates he was still friends with from nursery. I would suggest the boys do something nice together?

I'm not the only one on the thread who has explained it is easy to do this. I have regularly forgotten to include myself in numbers when booking things.
Not all of us are as feeling perfect as you clearly are, some of us are NT and find anything like this sort of admin bloody hard!

@Elsiep2 I can understand that you are upset. But tell your friend you are still available in case anyone drops out. Almost certainly someone will

Ah ok - fair enough. City dweller here, no pony parties.

Quite possible in winter when kids more likely to have viruses. But I guess less chance when only 5 invited, than (say) 20.

Really?

You throw your kid a party and decide to un-invite the closest friend to you and her child?

Honestly, the way some mums think is shocking.

Yeh it's about what's best for your child. I'd want to do the same as you- but maybe a different approach is better for your child's sake.

She’s suggested an alternative, which will probably suit your son better as there won’t be a group of other kids he doesn’t know, and she’s apologised. If she was the heartless evil bitch some posters have suggested I don’t think she’d have done any of those.

She’s fucked up, we’re not all perfect, she still wants to get together. She’s not showing any signs of wanting to cut you off at all despite the same posters wanting to tell you she is.

Your son really likes this boy, you’d be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you go in all guns blazing or refuse the offer of a rescheduled celebration.

it's not quite what happened is it?
Instead of re-writing the story the OP wrote, tell us what YOU would do?

What's the solution here?

I suspect she did a class invite and got too many yesses. Rather than cutting out a child who will have to go to school on Monday knowing all his or her friends went and they didn't won't be awful.

She's obviously fucked up, but perhaps she's hoping your son will be kept busy on the day amd bot bodice that he's missing put in the same way.

Hopefully just poor planning.

Firstly, I wouldn't have been silly enough not to count my own child at his/her party so I wouldn't be in this position from the start

Secondly, I would pay for the extra place

You cannot retract an invitation. It might be ok in your book but absolutely not in mine. Basic manners....BASIC

obviously you are perfect and never make a mistake in your life. Well done you.

Secondly, I would pay for the extra place
where did you see this was an option? If there's a set number of seats for example, it's not about paying for an extra place, there is no extra place.

So you have no better solution to offer then, have you! Thank you for proving the point.

Proving what point?

Show me where the OP said it wasn't an option.

All you're proving is how basic you are, as well as having no idea of etiquette.

Carry on with your day.

Exactly this above.
I don't think she was thinking your son was not as welcome and trying to exclude him.
Her offer to do an alternative outing with you and your son proves that and it changed my mind on her when I read it.
She was trying to find solutions that would suit everyone. Dealing with class mate friendships and parties is often difficult at the beginning.

As I said in my last reply, We found that having friends like that outside of school took some of the pressure off the whole class friendships things and was a welcome outing in the school holidays.

I'd give her another chance.

you can insult me as you like to stay away from the point, you still have not told us what else you would do in this situation.

Proving the point, unless the party goes ahead without the birthday child, the host was stuck.

You are very rude for someone trying to give lessons on "etiquette" 😂

I’m pretty sure if there was an ‘extra place’ the OP wouldn’t be in this scenario 😂

Your friend has made a mistake but offered a remedy, some one on one time with his friend will probably be better for your son than an initiate party where he knows only the birthday boy! Go to your meet up, take cake, sing happy birthday, he’ll love it!

Pretty sure if it's as simple as paying for an extra place her friend would do that.

The fact she has offered for them to do the exact same activity at a different time suggests it's not about cost as she'll have to pay for her son twice over.

Sorry just seen your other comment on trying this but couldn't delete 😂. Slightly off topic from your post, but you mentuoned your son and forming friendships. My son is awaiting an autism diagnosis and he loves going to Cub scouts. In fact it actually helped him forge friendships with those in his year at school as well as friends there too. His leaders really supported him. My DD is in reception and now goes to Squirrels which they can start from 4 (its the youngest group in scouting before beavers then cubs). I would recommend looking for one in your area as it honestly does help when they struggle to socialise

I totally understand that you're annoyed by her behaviour however but if you stop seeing this friend your little boy has lost his only friend so see if you can arrange a play date for the boys, in actual fact it's what your friend should do.

Tell her. She's made a mistake and thinks you're a good enough friend to help her fix it.

Which is shortsighted because its not you who understands but a 5yr old. So if she's such a good friend, talk to her. Explain that you don't want to fall out but this "favour" of the revoked invite has hurt you.

If she's worth it you'll sort it