Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

You’re not least important, she just can’t pick one child out of a whole class to uninvite. She made a mistake, and asked for help to solve it from the invitee she was closest to.

Its mean yes, but i dont understand why you had to point out that your son may have autism.

It seems unlikely that she forgot her own son when calculating the numbers. What sort of party is it? I'd be a bit suspicious about her reasons for uninviting your son.

I can understand why you are upset but if she has done the 'party is for 10' and invites 10 people then realised I can see why she chosen you. Any other child would be aware he was uninvited when the other kids talked about it at school whereas your son is in a different setting. Where she really fucked up was not suggesting an alternative meet up just the 4 of you. Which would probably be more fun for your little one either rather than trying to play with a group of kids who know each other. If I was you I would bury the hurt and suggest that you meet up for an alternative another day and tell your son it had to be postponed. He will be none the wiser and enjoy himself regardless. I would also try and organise one on one playdates with kids in his school to help him make friends.

She's made a mistake and she's trying to fix it. It's not great but to be heartbroken is quite dramatic. I'm assuming you value her as a friend. Arrange something else for him. If it's a one off I'd let it go.

To explain why he doesn't find it easy to make friends and doesn't get invited to parties by his classmates.

Let it go and arrange a date with her and son another time. Dont spoil friendship with them over a party. They'll be plenty of parties in the summer term for your son I bet.

Yes I agree this is the least that politeness requires

I would step back a bit from this friendship. It is likely they have recently made a new friend and her boy was desperate to invite him, so someone else had to be uninvited.

Yes she should definitely have done this, I agree

Really it's for the friend to suggest a separate special get together to make up for it, rather than OP. If she hasn't then that makes me think she's not behaved very well, even if the original uninvite was a result of a genuine mistake.

Seriously? You don't think it's relevant that she picked the autistic child to exclude?

An autistic child is a) more likely to struggle with changing plans, and b) more likely to be singled out for exclusion (and worse) throughout their childhood.

If you haven't experienced your child being the only member of the class to be publicly and aggressively left out (I have) then count yourself lucky.

If this really was the least bad option (maybe all the other kids invited are from his class?) she should have suggested a way to make it up to him like book in a cinema trip for them both.

I understand you're upset, but I think you need to take a step back for a second and think about it.

A lot of these party venues have number restrictions. Say the cut off is 15 kids, she didn't include her son in the 15, suddenly realised her mistake and panicked. She couldn't leave 1 child from the class out so your child was the obvious choice. It doesn't sound like it was malicious. What she should have done is explained her thought process but added that she'd like to have your child over another time for cake and treats etc.

I think you'd be cutting your nose off to spite yourself if you ended the friendship over this. Especially as your child is so fond of hers. You can say how upset your child was that he couldn't go but I think I would understand the reason behind the decision if it was me. I do get that you'd be upset though.

It’s really tough going to class parties where you’re the “extra” friend from another friendship group. The dynamic is really awkward and your DC would likely be floating around on the sidelines wondering why everyone else was getting the birthday boys attention. Do something else to celebrate with him separately.

She should have said something like the rest are all in his class at school or something and arrange a seperate thing to do with your son

I get both perspectives, but if she really can't help it and is most comfortable telling you, don't lose the friendship. Arrange a small party or outing for the two of them. If this kind of thing becomes a pattern you can always cut ties then.

I think OP’s friend is the one who should, because the friend is the one who made a mistake and should do the work to fix it.

I agree.

This kind of thing happens to many children. You need to help him prepare for disappointment in life.

It's not surprising you are upset, but presumably she would have to leave a child out who is part of her ds's friend group at school, or one child out of the whole class if they are all invited which would be awful. If you are good friends i would let it go and meet up for a nice birthday day out with both boys instead.

I don’t think you were least important but they she feels safest with. If it had been me I’d have arranged a separate celebration for the left out child . Although can’t see Id ever make that mistake.

Yeah but she won't coz life

I’m sure OP will keep her upset away from DS. It isn’t a lesson that an autistic child needs though. I have autism and it is so so hard to make friends. An invitation is very special.

I have autism too and I still think it's important to understand and learn resilience in these situations, because they exist in life and will happen.

It may be harder to learn resilience, but we must still learn it, because life doesn't always go our way.

Yeah, I think that, having made the mistake, the only thing OP’s friend did wrong was not inviting OP and her son to celebrate with them at a different time. I think it was honest and mature of the friend to explain how this happened and take responsibility for the situation. Now she just needs to affirm that OP and son do matter and invite them to something different.

If you cut her out your boy will lose his only friend.