Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

Uninviting anyone from a party, let alone a child really is the most disgusting display of rudeness and arrogance.

Disappointing for your son, but I can see why she has chosen him to no longer invite. If it's an activity for 30 children (e.g. a full class) she can't really ask one of his school friends not to come. She also explained she knows you the best, so I think she is hoping you would be more understanding.

I think you are best to make a separate plan for the two of them anyway. They will then actually get chance to play together as your son may feel left out at the party as all the other children will know eachother and this friend might also have a school best friend so he might get upset if he was ignored.

I know what autism is. I know how tough it is.

It doesnt give someone the right to get all confrontational about it over a mistake thats been made.

It's clear why the child has been uninvited. Autism has nothing to do with it. It would be worse to exclude a child from the birthday childs class/group of friends and would potentially cause a lot of problems there.

The friend has attempted to make amends by offering a meetup. It's not necessary to try and make her feel worse.

Agree totally - try not to worry too much x

No, that isn't "life".

I have 4 teenage and grown up dcs who've been to hundreds of parties over the years and they've never once been disinvited from a party. Not even by people we hardly know, never mind a good friend.

Its fucking unforgivable behaviour. Oh, and having autism/adhd isn't just about being socially awkward or shy - that's your ignorance showing. It took my dn three years to get an official diagnosis, it doesn't mean it wasn't screamingly obvious to everyone around her - do you realise how long it takes to get diagnosed?

Birthday parties,who was having them,who was invited,who wasn't invited used to drive me mad. Eventually I said no more. My children had family celebrations for every birthday & friend invitations for milestone birthdays 5,10,13,18. If they were invited to school friend parties they went. If they weren't invited I didn't give it a second thought neither did my children & they were still as popular.

Because when you write the list to send invites you don't write your own child's name. It's not an uncommon mistake to make!

I don’t see the issue now with the update

the friend suggested doing the same thing just the 2 of them instead of 6

you can still do cake and singing

I think she’s offered the best solution she can

How terribly unkind and thoughtless of her! I honestly don't think I could have anything to do with her again. Your little boy will no doubt be heartbroken 💔. I'm sure there must have been some way of her including him. So sorry you have to deal with this.

Given the update where OP's son is invited to another 1 to 1 party, which apparently only about 3 people read, if OP loses this friendship over this, then it's a choice to exclude her own son from potential friendships. No mistakes allowed, no flexibility, no humanity, that's the way not to get any future invites as well.

Spending one party with 4 children the OP's son doesn't know and will never see again rather than a 1 to 1 party doing the exact same thing allowing more quality time with the birthday boy?

I can't believe people don't read the updates!

I think doing what she did is OK as your LB won't actually know ahyone there anyway so it's not like he will hear about it from friends at school. BUT she should have invited you to something else. Even just around for a cake or something.

SHE HAS DONE! 🙄

I'm out.

I am guilty of that myself! I read the first post and reply.

Then may or may not read the rest of the thread.

Id struggle to get worked up about this tbh and I normally get heartbroken about birthday party invites/lack of invites! I take it as she feels closest to you out of all the mums, she can’t uninvited a school child who will know the party has gone ahead when the other kids talk about it, but has offered to redo the activity with your son and hers. I’m not seeing what there is to be upset about?

How is that arrogance?
What do you suggest the mother does? Cancel the party so everybody is uninvited?

Let the party happen but excluding her own, the birthday child?

Don't be so ridiculous. She didn't change her mind, she messed up and inviting the child of her friend at a different day. Complete non-issue, apart for the host who must be embarrassed.

I’m curious to know what all the people screaming “unforgivable, what a cow” think the mum should have done once she realized that she had accidentally invited one more guest than it would be possible to have for the activity.

OMG what a nasty shitty, thing to do to someone you call a 'friend!' And to do that to a little boy?!! Awful.

I am shocked that a third of nearly 900 voters on the poll think YABU. Utterly batshit!

@Elsiep2 Yep, I'm afraid I would be giving this 'friend' a verrrry wide berth. She is not a friend. Friends don't make friends feel like shit.

This. ^ How the fuck some people are defending this reprehensible behaviour just eludes me quite frankly!

This was mine too, she felt like she could be honest with you.

Although I understand how it must have hurt and if it were me I’d be keen to see how she then was with you. I’d be so apologetic next time I saw you.

I've done that with a party at a bowling alley. We ended up begging the manager to bend the rules (which he did) and explained how we had miscounted - he said it happened all the time.

I think arranging a meet up with the other child might be a way to keep the friendship going, OP.

Your H's idea of cutting her out is based in hurt and fear about DS's chances out there in a cruel world, but I think he needs to be practical and try to see past the initial hurt. This is, as far as you both know, a friendship that DS can take to the bank, and it should be maintained through thick and thin for his sake. Of course, if you contact the mother and suggest a meet up, and she finds excuses not to, then I'd wonder if it was time for pastures new.

At least she was honest with you. Think about it along the lines that she is able to feel comfortable telling you this without making up a lit. Also, put yourself in her shoes, how would you have dealt with it?

OK, ok I apologise. 😂.

She is in a bit of an impossible situation and has been honest about how she's messed up.

You can hardly un invite one out of five other boys that know each other as they'll talk about the party at school. It's easier to do the activity separately with your son as he's from a different circle anyway and if you tell him it's a party for two he won't know any different. She's probably planning to give him a party bag and a cake.

At three if you tell them it's a party and give them any kind of cake then it's a party.

You've added a lot of your worries about other things onto this.

Is it really unforgivable to ask a kid to a school party where he won't know anyone, fuck the numbers up, be sorry and take a kid one on one instead? He won't know anyone else and hasn't seen the birthday boy regularly either. I bet the kid won't even be bothered as he dosent know them!

So many posters are quoting this as reasonable. I am amazed.

Imagine a scenario - my mate booked a bus for us all to go to an event, but realised she had miscounted and now has asked me to drop out as she doesn't know any of the other people as well as me. I am so disappointed!
I think the response would be YANBU and 'friends like these, who needs enemies?' Instead this is happening to a vulnerable child and many posters think it's ok.🤔

I realise there is an update and a different invitation explained. But this wasn't in the original post and it's a poor consolation.