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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

296 replies

Elsiep2 · 14/01/2025 17:34

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

OP posts:
Iudncuewbccgrcb · 18/01/2025 08:44

poemsandwine · 14/01/2025 18:46

How do you forget to count the actual birthday child? That's so weird.

It's really not.

I made this exact mistake - counted how many kids I could fit in the car, told DC they could invite that many people and completely forgot that I would also have to fit DC in the car as well!

Sometimes you have a brain fart and fuck up.

I wouldn't have uninvited someone but it was pretty stressful when I realised what I had done. Luckily a solution presented itself for me.

DizzieNana · 18/01/2025 08:54

Oh your poor son, and you. As I know we all feel for our children's pain! I would reply back oh gosh, that's really sad and unfortunate, my son will be so upset as was looking forward to the party. Maybe we could meet up for a play date really soon? So the boys can stay connected.

If the mum doesn't want to meet up. At least you know there is no hope. It's hard when children move schools! We certainly have had lots of upsets. Worse as my girls got older.

Good luck x

Mush62 · 18/01/2025 09:26

Who needs friends like her, I agree with your husband, fuck them off.

oakleaffy · 18/01/2025 09:39

pilates · 14/01/2025 17:42

That’s mean and doesn’t make sense. When doing the numbers how could she not remember her own child? 🤨

Yes, this is nothing but an excuse.
No one could be that daft to forget their own child in the calculations.

It's more likely that she's worried about how your son will react and integrate with the other kids there? - But she should have invited you along as a help if she was that concerned.

I understand how hurt you must feel, it's a mean thing to have done.

Buffy4Eva · 18/01/2025 09:42

pilates · 14/01/2025 17:42

That’s mean and doesn’t make sense. When doing the numbers how could she not remember her own child? 🤨

I always forget to include myself if I'm organising anything for my and have been know to forget my kids in the number counting. I'm absolutely awful at counting people and I work in accounts. My friends never let me book a taxi anymore 😂

Buffy4Eva · 18/01/2025 09:43

GoneGirl12345 · 14/01/2025 17:37

You weren't the least important. Quite the opposite as she feels most comfortable being honest with you about how she fucked up and asking for your help and understanding.

See if she can fix a separate activity for both boys to do instead so your son doesn't miss out.

My thoughts exactly. She's closet to the OP.

She should have maybe arranged another play date straight away though.

fairycakes1234 · 18/01/2025 09:47

I feel very sorry for you but id be asking if you and her and the 2 boys can do something, your son is only 5 so won't realise that there a party so that could be the birthday party, just the 4 of you, play center amd McDonald's and I'm sure he'll be happy x

Whoknowshere · 18/01/2025 09:53

I don’t know a single venue that does not allow a party of 6 to become 7.
she just did not try enough and did a very rude thing instead. I will not be talking to her anymore. This is not how you treat your close friends. She is investing on relationships with other kids and mums who probably don’t give a damn about them… if you just breeze over it she won’t never appreciate you

Mumofferal3 · 18/01/2025 09:53

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 17:43

I can totally understand why you're upset.

But I can also understand why she's uninvited you/your son if the reason is true - that she miscounted and can't adjust numbers.
Say, for example, if all the other party attendees are in the same class at school she couldn't uninvite one of them knowing they would all see each other in class. Whereas you say your boy is at a different school.

Be upset, let yourself feel it, then pick yourself up. Suggest a birthday get-together for the two boys on another day instead?

Absolutely this. Also imagine the potential bad feeling with the parents too. It could have a massive knock on at school.

My LB is autistic and it is hard not to take it personally when not invited to parties. My personal feeling is that 5yo should be class party or a very small group party.

OP do you involve yourself with parents at your school? Have you asked any parents for playdates? I know it is hard to put yourself out there but the divide only grows bigger if you don't get yourself and child involved. There might even be someone who has gone through something similar.

I work with ALN kids and those that are most resilient are the ones who create bonds from a young age. My LB thrived in mainstream school because of the friends he made.

As for your friend, suggest doing something really special for her LB birthday and gauge her response. If she doesn't make plans, then that would be your answer. I have always been the type to fall out over most things (tbh) but it never ended well for me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/01/2025 09:57

Omg. Why don’t posters least read op’s reply’s

mum has offered to do same activity another time just the 4 of them.

so isn’t a money factor and adding on a child

the activity is for 6 kids not 7

Bessienol · 18/01/2025 10:00

I think the we have too many people was an excuse

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 10:19

She's rude, but this is a good reason why little kids don't need to be told about parties well in advance.

It just sets them up for disappointment should anything go awry. Just tell them the morning of or the day before.

User28473 · 18/01/2025 10:47

I think if I were here I'd first try to change the party activity, what party suitable for 4 and 5 year old has a cap of 5? But failing that, she's done the right thing I think to apologetically invite the only one not at the same school.

Are you on the parents WhatsApp group for school? I think party invites are usually done on there, and sometimes people share a names list that isn't completely correct so I'd be checking that, if your son hadn't been invited to any parties yet, as that is unusual for reception year.

Choccyscofffy · 18/01/2025 10:48

Hungryheart2025 · 14/01/2025 18:21

I agree with others who are saying that because she sees you as a friend, rather than a class Mum, she thinks you'll understand.

I think you should ask her son over for a playdate and have a small cake for him. If she doesn't want to come, then you'll know that she's not keen on continuing the friendship, but I wouldn't lose your son's friend over her withdrawing the party invite, the reason is understandable.

Why would OP reward this behaviour?

Newmoon8 · 18/01/2025 11:02

That is terrible; what sort of person would do that. Invite someone and then invited them. I am sorry for your little boy. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

Notimeforaname · 18/01/2025 11:21

They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.

This is too strong a reaction. Its a child's party. She needed to cancel someone..she has offered an alternative. Relax. Disappointments happen in life..

Notimeforaname · 18/01/2025 11:22

If that was my friend I'd just be like "oh jesus, yeah, no bother, mistakes happen. We'll do a day out and get a little cake between our two boys".

Thedandyanddude · 18/01/2025 11:31

Thats really thoughtless and rude. However heartbreak is a bit of an over reaction. You'll have to tell him the parties been cancelled and not that he can't go.

TooManyChristmasCards · 18/01/2025 11:31

Notimeforaname · 18/01/2025 11:22

If that was my friend I'd just be like "oh jesus, yeah, no bother, mistakes happen. We'll do a day out and get a little cake between our two boys".

I am so grateful my friends are like you! Reading the thread, I was starting to wonder if I was normal.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 18/01/2025 12:13

How on earth are some people on this thread forgetting to include their own child in the numbers when booking a birthday party??? (Or apparently forgetting to include themselves when they're booking something?!) How ridiculous, and how ludicrously disorganised and scatty these people must be!

I reckon these are the same people who book a holiday for the family without checking the passports first, and then come on here ranting and flapping, because they're going on holiday the day after tomorrow, and there's two family members with passports out of date three months ago.

And they're the same sort of people who have got a night out planned, and they don't try to book a taxi till half an hour before, then complain they can't get a taxi for 3 hours.

Or they have a flight at 11am, and don't get to the airport til 15 minutes before the flight, and then they start shouting at the staff to hurry up with the check-in, as they'll miss their plane!

Like it's everything that goes 'wrong' is everyone's fault, but theirs. 🙄

They're also the same people who are half an hour late back to the coach on a coach trip, making everyone else wait, because they are so important, and their time is more important than anyone else's. Wink

TooManyChristmasCards · 18/01/2025 12:26

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 18/01/2025 12:13

How on earth are some people on this thread forgetting to include their own child in the numbers when booking a birthday party??? (Or apparently forgetting to include themselves when they're booking something?!) How ridiculous, and how ludicrously disorganised and scatty these people must be!

I reckon these are the same people who book a holiday for the family without checking the passports first, and then come on here ranting and flapping, because they're going on holiday the day after tomorrow, and there's two family members with passports out of date three months ago.

And they're the same sort of people who have got a night out planned, and they don't try to book a taxi till half an hour before, then complain they can't get a taxi for 3 hours.

Or they have a flight at 11am, and don't get to the airport til 15 minutes before the flight, and then they start shouting at the staff to hurry up with the check-in, as they'll miss their plane!

Like it's everything that goes 'wrong' is everyone's fault, but theirs. 🙄

They're also the same people who are half an hour late back to the coach on a coach trip, making everyone else wait, because they are so important, and their time is more important than anyone else's. Wink

easy to laugh

Until one day you become one of these "idiots".

Arrogance and bad planning is one thing, but stupid mistakes are human. You will find it a lot less funny the day you are the guilty one. No one spends their entire life without being tired/ stressed/ overworked and making a mistake.

Or they are completely deluded and someone is behind tidying up and that's even worst 😂

HeidiHunter · 18/01/2025 14:38

Arrange another wee meet-up with you, her and your two kids. That means your child will feel he hasn't missed out. If she doesn't want to do this then your friendship has run it's course...so move on.

Distracteddistraction · 18/01/2025 15:25

pilates · 14/01/2025 17:42

That’s mean and doesn’t make sense. When doing the numbers how could she not remember her own child? 🤨

I can totally see it, I almost forgot to include me and my husband in the catering numbers for our wedding reception! Not saying it’s right but can see keeping count of numbers invited only.

MyLimeGuide · 18/01/2025 18:06

Bin her off she's a moron.

TealSwan · 18/01/2025 18:15

Elsiep2 · 14/01/2025 17:34

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

I’d definitely cut her off .