Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

Well I wouldn’t make that mistake. It’s not high level maths, basic arithmetic.

BUT if I ever had to do something like that I would have offered a 1:1 birthday play date between the two boys. The fact she hasn’t says a lot.

I feel for you play dates and autistic children but being let down is worse than not having any.

Erm...she has ?

I think you should be honest about your feelings and mention that your child loves parties but doesn't get invited to many, which is why you appreciated the invitation. Perhaps ask if you can pay the difference to add him on?

If you think that your son wouldn't be bothered about the activity perhaps suggest a playdate with bday bake?

I'd be ok with it. The mother messed up, it happens. And she was honest and explained. I'd message back and organise a nice day out for your child and this boy.

See if he can be on an unofficial standby. I doubt all the attendees will actually accept and turn up.

Otherwise arrange a treat for just the two of them such as trip to the cinema.

What difference would one little boy make? None. Not really. Sadly, I think this is her likely not wanting a little boy likely with autism in front of her new mum friends from school. I’m really sorry, OP. This is a truly shitty move on her part.

Why on earth would the OP lower herself and her little boy to that? They’ve already been rejected.

Exactly this. Like fuck would I allow my child to be used as a stand-in, if one or more of the other children couldn't be arsed to turn up. Also, 100% guarantee at least 2 or 3 of the children won't turn up.

Oh and this 'friend' can fuck off too. Into the bin she goes. I wouldn't take that shitty treatment, and I certainly would NOT allow my son to be treated this way!

.

I did it for my husbands birthday. Wrote a guest list, booked things but forgot to include me and him! Lucky a few people pulled out last minute. I can see how it would be easy done!

Gosh, if this was me I’d arrange something extra special for both boys that they really love - like a trip to a theme park or something . Or arrange a sleepover.

Honestly Op I think she hadn’t any choice. You can’t tell a class child they won’t get able to go. That’s impossible. You need to put this in perspective and organise something else special for the two of them. Keep making the effort. If she’s known you this long don’t give up now over one mishap. She didn’t do it on purpose. You’d be a true friend to take it on the chin to help her out of a crisis. You’re son will have forgotten all about it by next week so play it down in front of him completely. For his sake don’t make this into a ‘thing’. He needs friends at the mo so hang on to them.

I can see why you're hurt by this, OP. You are bound to be extra sensitive about it, what with DS not being invited to parties via school and with his upcoming ASD testing. For what it's worth, I do think it's poor form to not have whole class parties in primary, at least up until later years, and I do think it's poor form of friend to invite DS then rescind on the invite.

That said, have you considered that your friend may be in a difficult position? Are your boys as close as they used to be? Could it be that her DS has specifically requested to have just his few closest friends from school there, or that he is concerned that his school friends might not get on with your DS in such a small group?

It can be very difficult when you want to do what's best for your child on their birthday (which is, like it or not, what HE wants for his party) and also keep the peace with friends when the expectations of the two don't marry. Her son shouldn't be forced to have anyone at his party he doesn't want there, even if his reasoning is shallow (eg, if he's worried that his school friends may be unkind to your DS and wants to prevent that).

Of course, it may actually be that she have booked a 6 maximum activity and messed up the numbers? I can see then why it would be easier to drop your DS than a child in her DS's class at school while others in the class are still allowed to go.

Kids with autism don’t typically have an understanding of resilience so it’s not something they can just suck up as sone posters have suggested. With limited friend’s and social struggles the situation would be devastating for your DC and really upsetting for you. Your friend has let you down and clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like having a child with autism.

Honestly this happens a lot! So much going on - kids working out if I can only have 10 they are ……. . Very easy to mess up in the heat of the moment and now that it’s ll ok WhatsApp invites are out before the mistake is realised. Seen it at least once a year all the way through primary.
OP - as others have said it’s a compliment that she can have the conversation with you but she hasn’t thought it through in her panic - as others have said maybe organise a separate birthday event - perhaps instead of a present for your two sons to do together

Sounds like she's trying to make a good impression (or "Butt Kiss", as i like to call it) with the other mums, but since she's already got you - well, it's fine to just callously let your little one down isn't it?! You'll understand!!
Sorry, but no. I'd feel very hurt too.
Suffice to say, she would no longer be my friend after this, and i'd have a few strong words to say to her into the bargain. x

Cruel and pathetic. You and your ds are her friends you should be going. Not sure if she’s making it up about the numbers or what but I’d not bother with her again after that. You dont need that negativity whatever the real reason. Sending love to you from one mum of an autistic 7yo ds to another.

So many childish responses on here (for a change 🙄).

The best solution is to organise another birthday celebration for your son and this child (trip to the zoo, theme park etc.) and tell your son that is the party. He won’t know any different and everyone is happy.

This @Elsiep2 ..
id respond and say you’re LB is very disappointed and suggest a meet up for the birthday …

I think you need to look at this objectively and remove emotions for minute…

Ask yourself: what would you expect t her do?? She could uninvite another child BUT they all go to school together and might be talking in class about it and the impact on that child of being uninvited will be huge..

She could wait till last minute and hope someone drops out last minute, but then the impact on cancelling someone last minute is even worse….

She may have pleaded with the venue to allow one extra and they’ve been difficult about it,it was probably a really tough thing for her to do, to cancel one child … it makes perfect sense to cancel the one child that attend the same school.. suggest a separate meet up… falling out with her seems like a very immature response… and unfair since you say he’s your sons only friend…
Respond nicely and simply suggest a separate outing to celebrate, your son will enjoy a 1:1 with this boy more than a room full of strangers anyway.

There’s 100% chance someone cancels on the day or just before because of the illness. If I was your friend I’d just hope for that …or I’d break the law! I’d have 1 kid extra! Who’s going to count/notice? There’s usually so much leftover food. It’s ridiculous she did that to you. I’m so sorry! She’s not a good friend.

Hi op I help on our asd unit school bus. I think that was quite a mean move by that school mum. Very hurtful

Op, well done for reacting like you did.
She feels you can cope with her truth about the stuff up best.

Without telling your little boy (lest he be heart broken again) I would be prepared to get a last minute invite due to a no show. It probably won't eventuate but let your friend know that you are willing to accept a late call up.

Enjoy the play date; take a couple of cup cakes to eat.

Just this 👆👆👆. She trusted your friendship and thought you would be most understanding 👌. I think you are taking it very personally because of your child's suspected Autism. I think you are very sensitive regarding the social difficulties your lad faces. But your friend probably didn't even consider this. To her your just her friends...she probably doesn't even see the Autism label...your just her friends. She was frank with you because she trusted your friendship and was asking for your understanding.

I would just be frank with her back and tell you how you felt and difficulties your lad is facing. I would be surprised if she wasn't horrified and upset she made you feel like that unintentionally. You can both move past this and maybe do something nice together to compensate. She can move forward knowing what you need from her in your friendship. Good luck OP 🍀❤️

It's a rare thing that a children's party venue wouldn't accommodate one extra child in these circumstances ( might cost extra but better than uninviting someone).

I feel like this excuse is pretty weak and very unkind.