Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

no wonder why some people are on MN instead of being with actual friends in real life

I have some mums from ds old schools they regularly go out for meals drinks coffee they never invite me whatsoever so now I don’t talk to half of them anymore, but to Un invite him is awful.

I agree with this. Suggest a joint activity and make your son feel special by being selected specially. It would have been hard for that mum to talk to you, birthday parties can be a minefield, don't take it to heart.

It was your son who they know socially or a child her son has to go to school with everyday for the next several years what do you expect her to do ? I don't see the relevance of your son possibly having autism either

Not really I've done it before infact I forgot both of my sons in the numbers luckily we could add them on

I really hate this thing people trot out about not including someone because they think they're the most likely to understand. It's such a weird fucked up thinking process, and I've seen it done a lot and have been on the receiving end of it twice myself as an adult and also once to my little DD. It doesn't mean people understand better because they're close friends, it just makes them feel doubly confused and doubly hurt.
Basically she's completely out of order. One extra small child is no big deal whatsoever to accommodate. I'd just think "Oh silly me! I forgot to include my own child in the numbers! (Personally speaking, I can't comprehend forgetting this essential bit of detail, but anyway.) Oh well, I'll just add one more number to the party group."
Never, in a million years, would I cause deliberate upset to a small child by uninviting them to the party because of my own idiotic error.
I'd be thinking there's something else going on here.
And I agree with your DH.

Really?
You forgot to add both your children in to the numbers?
What planet are you living on?!?

Have you considered getting counselling to help you get over it?

I think she chose you to uninvite due to knowing you best and thinking of you as a real friend. School parties are difficult as cannot leave classmates out. Why not suggest a personal get together instead? A private party?

You are right to be upset but you need to put it in perspective. Keeping your son in the party group could mean excluding one child from his class. This would create massive problems within school, your son wont even know he has missed out unless you tell him. Arrange a party date for your son and his friend. That way he can still enjoy his friends birthday.

My daughter has ASD, so I completely understand. Do you feel it’s because of the Autism or do you just feel as though she just had to invite others and so pushed you out?
Do you feel as though she just didn’t want you there? It’s more than it being one birthday, I can totally see that.

This makes me so sad thinking about your little boy. I'm so sorry. We held a party today at a soft play centre for our soon to be 6 year old daughter. We invited her whole class and said there were 25 spaces. We didn't want to leave anyone out and advised once those spaces were filled anyone else was welcome but they'd have to book on for play only. One of the mums of a little girl RSVPd and thanked us for the invite - she'd never had one before. I was speaking to her mum at the party and she said her LG ran to her the day she got the invite all excited "mummy, I've finally received my first party invite. Now i can make some friends". That broke my heart. She has ADHD and autism so is usually excluded as a result. She since texted my husband again thanking us and said she was still buzzing from today. I know it doesn't help your little boy but I'm so glad we were able to put a smile on a kids face along with her parents. I would definitely do something extra fun with your little one on the day of the party and hope he has the best time

This.
Arrange a separate special treat with just the four of you. If she is a friend you value and want to keep, try to keep your feelings in check and move on.
But be aware that if they are a different schools and so have different friendship circles, you will both have to work hard to keep the friendship going.

Please dont cut her off. It's much better to do that little ditty some time in the future. Behave with the utmost respect and kindness. Revenge is a Dish best served Stone Cold. Use your Energy having an amazing family day trip. Tell your son that everyone has a nasty virus and you're all staying away to be safe. Humans are bitchy like this at times it's much better to know who your real friends are at an early stage. And to be honest my father used to always say it's a mistake to argue over kids issues as there's always going to be plenty.

Good excuse, leaving out the birthday boy, when counting... and an even better on to trade on your friendship. Is it a question of chairs? Of food? Of course it isn't. Even if someone comes to your house at lunchtime, you will feed him, despite the fact that this is an unexpected guest. I am thinking that someone told her 'it is better not to invite a child on the spectrum' because I have seen it happen too many times not to believe that this is the case. If it's at a venue, they would understand if she explained the need to make space for an extra child, and whether or not it's at her house, there is no reason who she should not buy extra food, herself. This child is being discriminated against - of course he does not have a divine right to attend the party - but he had been invited.

That's really crap but unfortunately the way things are if you have a DC with autism. One by one, my 'friends' dropped us when my DC's needs became obvious. So much easier to meet up with people who don't have children with SN. DD didn't get a single birthday party invite through primary.

Don't let it get to you. Just do something nice with DS which he enjoys. People can be really cruel when it comes to disability. You need to grow a thicker skin. and you will. it just takes time.

Give her the opportunity to make it up to you and your son by arranging a separate outing. If she doesn’t go for it, then I’d accept the fact that the friendship isn’t what you thought it was, and let go.

It’s a real shame when friendships end, but life is full of changes we can’t control.

I’m a bit in two minds here.

If she is telling the truth, then it’s annoying, take your DS out for a fabulous afternoon maybe to his favourite park etc. Even if true I admit I’d be a little cool with the parent and let them contact me to arrange a meet up, then when they did meet like it was before and jolly up an afternoon somewhere for the kids to play (being nasty will end the friendship). Sadly but honestly if they go to different schools many of these venues offer only enough spaces roughly for a class of kids and of naturally their new school friends will have a form of priority - give it a year and that may change as she gets to know the kids!
If you have a suspicion they swapped invites for someone else, there’s nothing you can do, just teach your child resilience and try wherever you can to not just have one friend, as over time this won’t play out well. This would be a good opportunity to take the situation in your hands and change the status quo, even if they don’t make friends at first with others (remember the best friendships can take a time). You can’t remain on one friend at a different school.
Think about what your child likes and needs. I wonder maybe a little drama club be a nice idea, golf or cricket (gentle and outside - link below for your local club), gymnastics, horse riding and swimming? If they have avoidance issues with noise think of outside options first (cricket / golf) and avoid shrill places ie swimming pools. If they have seeking tendencies they may love a swim / gymnastics / drama club etc. Maybe as they get a little older you can try different options. Drama clubs can be great for quiet kids too and teach them to find their voice!
Don’t rush, take your time and even if they don’t make friends for a while they will learn social experience which will be important for when they do meet new friends.

Finally I am really sorry, he was probably looking forward to this party and it’s horrible to see in your child’s eyes, but don’t wallow (or let them see you wallow), take action. Good luck.

www.ecb.co.uk/play/all-stars

I’d play back that you are good friends and whilst you understand, could you arrange something special with the boys to mark her son’s birthday but also ask that if any e drops out she let you know and your boy can take the place (don’t mention it again to your son in the meantime).

What type of party is it? Like if she paid £100, for 10 kids and there is the option to add extra kids even for £20 a child, and she accidently booked for 11 is now cancelling your kid's place rather then paying £20 extra, then yes she is horrible, rude and enjoys hurting kids, go non-contact with her. If it is a party that can only take 10 kids and she accidently got 11 coming, then she's not really got another choice other than cancelling the whole party, which would upset her child and put everybody out.