Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

Don't talk wet. 🙄 Of course it's not common to forget your own child in the numbers for a birthday party. (If you're booking it at a party with a certain amount of children allowed.)

EG: Knowing there are only 14 spaces, people invite 14 children and then realise they 'forgot' their own child, and then they say 'whooops LOL ha ha, I better uninvite a child.'

Bullshit. Never known that happen. For some reason the OP's 'friend' has decided against inviting the OP's son. She is a fucking arse. I would bin any 'friend' who did this to my child.

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I’ve done it, as have multiple people in this thread. It doesn’t help that some venues automatically include the birthday child and then talk about the number of guests and others just refer to attendees.

Fortunately the party I did it at was one we could easily add a spot to. This mum was less lucky and I’m not sure what a better solution would have been.

I suppose it's a bit horses for courses with the choosing to uninvite you because we know you best. It doesn't seem to have made OP feel better.

YANBU. In my opinion you don't invite anyone, child or adult, to something and then uninvite them, whatever the reason. If you stuffed up then you suck it up and make it work.

You haven't done it though! (What I said in my last post!) And neither have multiple people on this thread!

Have you forgotten your own child in the party numbers and then uninvited one of the other children you already invited?

No. No you haven't. Who the F would do that? It's a nasty thing to do. Proper top tier cunty behaviour!

Depends what she has "gone over". If she's gone over the number included in what she's paid, like it was 10 kids for £100, extras £15 ahead and she accidently ended up with 11 kids and has said your kid can't come because she's doesn't want to pay or can't afford the extra £15, then she is rude and selfish and obviously doesn't value the friendship of you or your kid.

If she's messed up and it's like a party that will provide for 10 kids and she has 11, she has to either cancel the whole thing or exclude one kid, and it makes more sense to exclude yours than one who will be at school with the other who've been. I say this as someone who has lived the last 8 years in trepidation that I would miss-count, miss-communicate or otherwise mess up a party because there's always so much to sort out. That being said, I am surprised she didn't suggest something else with your DC.

I cannot comprehend how anyone could do that to an adult, let alone a child. And I would tell her that. It’s just a horribly unkind thing to do. I wouldn’t let my dc know how upset I was, though.

Guaranteed they’ll be kids that cancel last minute or don’t turn up on the day.

This.

Could you suggest that you turn up to the venue on the same day and time and join in for the play activity and cake cutting? So basically, you pay your own way.

How? If the mum calls the venue and they say "no, we absolutely cannot add a seventh child and your hefty payment is nonrefundable" then what would you tell her to do?

Uninviting a child is absolutely a shite option, but sometimes we find ourselves in spots where the only options available are shite and we just have to figure out the least shite one.

If you did go, chances are your boy would have been left out completely. All other boys are school friends. Your boy would be the odd one out, not because of being ND, but because hes not attending that school. Maybe that's why he was uninvited. I think alternative which is one to one activity is much nicer. I know when my daughter started school, some old friendships fizzled out.

Stay friendly for the sake of your boys friendship with her son. Arrange another activity and say your boy wants to give her boy his birthday present.

It’s understandable that she’s now prioritising his classmates, but to lie to you and claim she’d forgotten her own child is just crap. I mean if you’re going t excuse a child at least make up a plausible excuse.

I wouldn’t actively fall out with her I just wouldn’t contact her again.

That's tricky as it's such a small group.
The only other solution would be to cancel the whole thing.
But what sort of party only has 5 kids attending? It seems a bit odd that no more can be accommodated.

It's rubbish for you. I'd be wondering if it is genuinely that they can't fit any more.

I personally think this is her way of distancing herself given that your dc's now attend different nurseries, and it's a poorly thought out excuse for why it's happened. It's very hurtful for you and I feel for you because I have a dc with autism who struggled all the way through primary with no real friends and no party invites, they're doing a bit better at secondary but will probably always struggle socially. Luckily your ds is very young and doesn't need an honest explanation. I'd just tell him the party was cancelled because his friend was poorly, and if you do decide to see your friend again ask there to be no talk of parties from her. Her ds most likely won't mention it because from experience they forget things as soon as they've happened and don't get discussed again. Brace yourself op because this is likely to be the pattern for the upcoming years, too many judgy parents and as the children get older they start to judge as well.

This, please read this OP. Especially after your update I think you are being very unreasonable.

Have you tried to organise a party for a reception aged child where there are strict number limits paired with crazy friendship dynamics and playground politics? What did you want her to do? Call one of the mums she met less than 3 months ago and uninvite the child? She messed up and she doesn't know any of the other mums well enough to admit that. She was clearly wrong in thinking you were her good friend.

To save you some future unnecessary drama you may want to know that very few out of school friends attend the same parties as class friends in my area. I can't remember the last party I attended where there was a friend from a different school there. They usually celebrate separately/individually unless it's a disco where they can have 40+ kids.

Then don't book a venue where there is no flexibility, this can all be sorted out at the time of booking, and if someone is so stupid they forget to include the birthday child in the booking then words fail me.......

I would've rang and explained to the party place and I'm pretty sure nowhere would say "no, we can't cater to one more child". Or I'd change the venue to accommodate the numbers.

What I wouldn't have the heart to do is make the decision to exclude one child whom has already been told about the party then pick up the phone and have that conversation.

Id feel like an absolute piece of shit doing that.

I agree with this. I think it shows you are a true friend.

Also, I can see why your son would be the obvious one to pick if he’s one of the few who aren’t his new classmates. Picking a new classmate to uninvite when the rest of the class are going would be really tricky.

Can you both not plan a fantastic outing for the boys to do together next weekend?

That's a good idea, it would be interesting to hear what she said too...

I am still trying to think of a birthday activity for 5 year olds which would have a hard maximum of 6. People have said escape room… I have never heard of an escape room for 5 year olds! Someone said perhaps it’s an activity in pairs… so invite an 8th child.

OP what is the activity? I am baffled. If it isn’t something that genuinely has a max of 6 then that puts a whole different perspective on her actions.

My daughter is in reception and her particular class there have been about 5 parties since Sept. In my friends child class there have been zero. Please dont feel people are deliberately not inviting your child, of the parties we have been to they have invited the whole class or just the girls. For our child's party I just went through the class whattsapp to make sure noone was missed off. Ive never heard of some of these kids. Please dont think your son is being singled out.

However, I too would be upset about my child being uninvited. Your son will not remember it. Plan something really special that day, and on the slim chance he remembers tell him you are taking him to the zoo/aquarium etc.

Leave the ball in your friends court. Wait to see how she acts after the party, if she tries to organise anything or get in touch. If she does nothing that tells you all you need to know

I am very keen to know what sort of party this is that it requires such a strict small number. Don't kids have all class parties at that age?

If your son would be unbothered by the activity and wouldn’t know the other boys going, but enjoys the singing and cake part, then could you stage a little second party so he gets the bits he likes, then hopefully he won’t feel like he missed anything.

Lol ‘it’s totally 90s’ for young children to value school friendships? Maybe your teens have widened their social circle via clubs, summer schools, online etc but these are 5 year olds we’re talking about 😂😂

Maybe they will stay mates, maybe they won’t. Either way a child they spend 30+ hours a week with will be a a firmer friend than a child they only see occasionally.