Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

That's unkind and thoughtless. I would be quite cold to someone who did that to my DC. I understand the issue she had but there's better ways to deal with it.

You weren't the least important. Quite the opposite as she feels most comfortable being honest with you about how she fucked up and asking for your help and understanding.

See if she can fix a separate activity for both boys to do instead so your son doesn't miss out.

Jesus
that’s so mean - because she knows your best she thinks you’ll suck it up?!

I don't see how you could be expected to react positively to this whatever excuse she's come up with for choosing you. If you don't see each other often then maybe this has run it's course.

Yes this was my thought as well.

What would you have done in her shoes op?

I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. Don't mention the party again to your little boy and instead maybe take him on a nice day out with some treats. If you haven't done already maybe look for some clubs he could join? My little boy made his first friends at some clubs which helped him massively and he sounds similar to yours.

It’s one kids party. This is a lesson in resilience. I think you need to put this into perspective and show your son how to. If you’re heartbroken he will follow suit.

You are over reacting. If the birthday boy couldn't go there would be a party. She was honest and thought out of everyone you would support her the most in the circumstances with this crisis. Take it as a compliment, definitely bigger things to lose a friend over.

That’s mean and doesn’t make sense. When doing the numbers how could she not remember her own child? 🤨

I can totally understand why you're upset.

But I can also understand why she's uninvited you/your son if the reason is true - that she miscounted and can't adjust numbers.
Say, for example, if all the other party attendees are in the same class at school she couldn't uninvite one of them knowing they would all see each other in class. Whereas you say your boy is at a different school.

Be upset, let yourself feel it, then pick yourself up. Suggest a birthday get-together for the two boys on another day instead?

I would be upset and hurt too; but I wouldn't break the friendship over this one thing if it is so important to your son

Does he know the party is later this month, will he remember?

Ideally arrange something else for just the 2 of them so there is still something to look forward to

She knows she's screwed up and is panicking

I can see why she might have chosen the OP to so this to, but not why she wouldn't have simultaneously invited them to do something else special.

Arrange a little party with the two of them.

It sounds like she’s prioritising the friends he’s made at school which makes sense, maternity leave friends don’t often last once the kids start to make real friends at school.

Maybe try and organise your boy some play dates with his new classmates instead?

YANBU - it’s her fault that she fucked up, why should your child face the consequences? I have an autistic DD, and if someone did this to her, I would never speak to them again. It’s an incredibly shitty thing for her to do, especially if she’s aware of your child’s struggles with making friends and he doesn’t get many opportunities to go to parties. Agree with PP though - just have a lovely day out with him instead x

Absolutely out of order and I'd be just as heartbroken as you OP. Absolutely awful. You just can't uninvite someone, let alone in these circumstances.
What have you said to your "friend" so far?

Exactly this. She feels she knows you best aand feels that you would be the most understanding.

That’s mean, I’ve been there and it hurts!
There’s bound to be one kid who can’t come on the day. She’s not a nice person.

It’s horrid OP but if she has made this error in not including her own son, sounds like she feels most comfortable with you to tell you the error rather than having to pick someone at random from his school class.
Are you good friends, and do you want to maintain that relationship for the sake of your son’s friendship? Because if so I’d try not to overreact to it. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, etc - I’d maybe say something along the lines of how disappointed he is, but you understand she’s in a bind over it and maybe you guys can do something as a four another day.

Agreed. She should have made reparations. This is the angle I would take. Perhaps she will come up with something if you text her and say you still want to mark her ds’s birthday and you / you and your ds are disappointed.

This is really not cool. However, if her son really if your LB's only friend, I'd be tempted to let it go, just this once, in order to help him maintain a friendship he clearly enjoys. But I would tell her it's such a shame as he was really looking forward to it so she knows it has caused you and him unhappiness.

Then as others have said, take him out and spoil him for a lovely day together and look at other ways he can make friends - clubs etc.

If the behaviour continues, then yes, remove your son from the situation so he won't be further disappointed by any more flakeyness.

So who should? Can’t be her child, it’s his party.
But I agree with PPs she should have scheduled something else at the time she made the call.

I think I would have been OK with this and I would have suggested we’d do something separate together to celebrate. I can also see how she would have missed to include her own child, she was probably just focussed on how many they could invite.

Cut her/them some slack and give her another chance. Your son shouldn’t lose a friend because of the mother’s cock up.

Your not the least important. I would have thought she thought as you knew eachother so well that she thought you'd be the least likely to be upset or offended as she can be honest with you about the cock up she made.
Also would be very difficult to exclude one from the child's class as they'll all be talking about it at school. Whereas you can control what you DS hears about it.
I'm guessing if you see eachother regularly the boys can meet up and do something together on a different date?

I’m sure OP will keep her upset away from DS. It isn’t a lesson that an autistic child needs though. I have autism and it is so so hard to make friends. An invitation is very special.
OP do try to arrange something else. Whatever happens if DS is upset have a cuddle and say it’s ok to be sad.