Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

I think her reason and reasoning sound genuine, take her up on the offer for the DC to do an activity together instead.

What kind of party is it that she can't add one more person?

I would be irritated but understand the logic that she can't uninvite one of his school friends.

Imagine 1 child at school being excluded?

Don't mention the party again to your son he'll probably forget about it and wait for her to contact you about are arranging something else.

You and you dh are overreacting imo.

Given your update I think you're being a bit harsh to cut off your friend. Yes, it's unfortunate she miscounted, I'm sure an accidental mistake, but it does sound like she thought you would be understanding, being such good friends, and she wants to organize something else with your son so clearly not shunning him.

My kids hated clubs at that age. By 6 they wanted to be signed up to all of them!

Your son is still young and they change so much, there’s still time for him to make his own friends at school.

Your friend didn’t do the kind thing, but it does sound like the friendships have run their course due to different schools which is very normal

I agree that heartbroken is a stretch!

Just move on op, this happens all the time

She’s acted poorly but you’re using quite emotive language. Heartbroken is a bit strong. Pissed off, yes. But it’s also quite strong to sack off the friendship when she’s been quite apologetic.

Is it possible that you’re projecting your feelings on to your DS? I can’t imagine my 5 year old even realising he was missing a party unless I made a big deal of it.

I don’t think it means you’re least important, just that all the rest are school friends so it made more sense to keep them all together.

Exactly right. I struggle with catastrophic language like being heartbroken because your son can’t go to a party OP. Honestly OP having a kid comes with tough situations and I think you need to take a sweep back and get a bit of perspective:

Your friend knew you would understand and thought you would take it the best. Tell her you are disappointed and move on. If this kid is indeed your sons onky friend are you going to cut them off because of this?

Your friend can’t be relied upon to be your sons only friend and make up for that fact.

Is it disappointing? Sure. But again what would you like her to do?

Put this behind you and forget all about this friend and her child. Focus on being a fabulous Mum to your own little boy and why not select a couple of children from his class and invite them for tea one day by way of expanding yours sons social circle and to make up for the cancelled invitation?

The friend did a shitty thing but you can move on from this and to be honest, you are better off without friends like that.

Your right OP. The 5 invited must be the 5 that are a close circle of friends. It really would be harder to decide who leave out if they are in the same class.

It's lovely of her to offer to arrange a meetup.

My friend immediately suggested we arrange to meet up to do the party activity which is good of her.

Sounds like you are over-reacting then.

she is likely just being very honest about it. You are the closest, and it's easier to explain things to a friend, and more interesting to book a private activity with one. It's more difficult to cancel on total strangers.

She messed up. If she's as decent as she sounds, she must be beyond embarrassed. GIve her a chance and don't take it personally, it wasn't a brush off.

Allow the one additional child that she had already invited, perhaps? 🤔

This is the most likely scenario

What kind of party can’t accommodate one additional reception aged child? What would’ve happened on the day if she hadn’t realised, it’s really bad form from her and if it was me I’d have just made the extra space happen rather than uninvite someone.

The suggestion of the cake etc is a lovely idea. And I’m sure the Birthday boy won’t object if his mum has a chat with him and explains that your DS wants to celebrate with him too.

we could do a long list of such parties, I am sure my kids had more than a few. With such a small number of children, why wouldn't it be true?

How do you forget to count the actual birthday child? That's so weird.

just arrange an individual meet up

This is really upsetting. But I also see that the friend is in a complete bind. If I were the party mum, the only options I'd think of would be to completely change the party, or ask my best friend to uninvite themselves.

I think if the friend had phoned or come to see me in person and grovelled a bit, I'd be less upset and more understanding. The fact that it came in a text presumably, isn't great.

I hope you’ve not let your son know you’re ‘heartbroken’. Just don’t mention it, or if he asks say you’re doing <insert the alternative fun activity> instead.

I would confront this in all honesty and be honest that you are hurt for your son and did she REALLY need to choose him and was his autism a factor?
She deserves to squirm a bit

Yes, when our friends make a mistake and owns up to it asking for our understanding and forgiveness it’s important to really dig our thumbs in and make them feel as small and horrid as possible 🙄

OP, your upset and disappointment are extremely understandable, especially if you’re worried about your DS making friends. But I absolutely wouldn’t throw these friendships (yours or your DS’s) in the bin over it. That’s a bit of cutting off your nose to spite your face. As others have pointed out, your friend made a simple mistake that left her in a terrible spot with no good options. If the other attendees are school friends then uninviting one of them is an even worse option - she likely doesn’t know the parents well enough to feel like she can be honest, she doesn’t have a relationship with them where she can easily substitute with a “private party” instead like she’s asked to do with your DS, and the children will likely talk about the party at school so that child will get repeated reminders and not be allowed to forget as soon.

So feel all your feelings, but I would also try to have compassion for your friend. And most of all I would prioritize these friendships and work through the hurt feelings - there is no such thing as a perfect friend who will never make a mistake so writing people off for one incident like this is not going to benefit your DS or you in the long run. Accept the invite to do something separate and suggest it be a little private party with a small cake or cupcakes, candles and an activity.

No she doesnt. She made a mistake. It happens. She's trying to fix it.

Not only there are plenty of parties who can't accommodate one more child (just think of a certain number of seats as an example)

but if the kids have to be paired to do some activities, adding an extra would make an odd number (7 children instead of 6( and mess up everything and one would be left on the side. It would be worst.

Yes, I agree with this. She’s made a cock up and it will be really awkward and cause huge problems if she retracts a school mate’s invite.

Have a little party for him - good idea.

To be honest when they get to school and have school friends I think asking outside school friends often dosent work that well anyway as he won't know many people. That's probably part of the reason.

It's a bit crap but like you say they don't meet up loads any more and it would be more enjoyable for him to do something separately.