Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

she said because she knows you best-NOT cos you didnt matter. Can they have their own special treat for bday?seperately i know BUT the alterntive gony be ditch a classmate?thats awkwrd. sure its HER oversight,her problem but shes been honest and presumeably values your friendship enuf not to bullshit you

Absolutely OP should teach her child to roll with the punches, and I'm sure she will do that. That doesn't mean she can't be disgusted with the "friend's" behaviour, and upset at how her son has been treated.

That’s hurtful. Fuck her and her kids party!!
She will likely have no shows anyway but I’m baffled at why 1 extra child would have been an issue.

What’s the party set up?

The onus was on her to do that when she rescinded the invite

I'm not sure I believe the reason, but I would let it go and wait to see if she suggests that the boys meet up separately. If she doesn't, that would suggest that she's trying to cool things off. Perhaps she was worried about your son not mixing with the others as he won't know them, but didn't like to say.

This is exactly what I was going to say - the reason will probably be that all the others invitees will be at school together so it’s much harder to leave one out. I understand that you’re a bit upset but honestly I think it’s an overreaction and all children (ND or otherwise) need to learn to handle disappointment.

Don’t let him see you’re upset, turn it round and say in a cheery voice “that’s a shame isn’t it but sometimes these things happen. Let’s choose somewhere else exciting we can go together (eg cinema, trampoline park) instead”.

I would see it like that as well

Livid and heartbroken are so over the top. She's made a mistake. She can't uninvite a class mate (which one does she pick?) Put yourself in her shoes. You're her friend - she thinks you'll be most understanding, not that you're the least important.

Op here
so in answer to various comments. My friend immediately suggested we arrange to meet up to do the party activity which is good of her. I’m sad because my son loves parties- the cake/ singing etc but will likely be unbothered by the activity. My problem, not hers

She has invited only 5 other children so there won’t be just one left out child at school. But equally must have made it hard to decide whom to choose.

I’ll obviously keep my feelings to myself. I know that’s my role as a parent.

we’ve tried clubs- squirrels/ swimming and gymnastics so far. He hasn’t been able to manage them but we’ll keep trying.

thanks for advice and all the opinions. Just mulling over my thoughts.

Not the point I know but I bet there will be no shows. There always are.

Because sometimes you assume the birthday child is a given and it's only when you're having to send the venue names you realise your mistake? It's quite easily done.

Having said that if it were a public space (like soft play, trampoline park etc.) that's still open to the public, as the guilty parent, I would have suggested I buy the OP's child a separate ticket so they could still do the main activity.

I agree with others who are saying that because she sees you as a friend, rather than a class Mum, she thinks you'll understand.

I think you should ask her son over for a playdate and have a small cake for him. If she doesn't want to come, then you'll know that she's not keen on continuing the friendship, but I wouldn't lose your son's friend over her withdrawing the party invite, the reason is understandable.

Since when do kids have to know each other to have fun?

Mines always played with kids they don’t know at cousins parties/bbqs/weddings.

Take a little cake with you to the activity and sing happy birthday to the birthday boy. At 5 they won't know the difference between this and there being 4 other boys to sing with him. You can still make it a "birthday" celebration if that's the bit your son enjoys most. I understand why you're upset but it was an honest mistake so I really wouldn't let this come between you. I think she did pick the least worst option from her point of view.

Yes, it might seem a but much at first, but probably stems from OP's anxiety/fears about her child being left out of things in the future. Autistic children also don't cope very will with changes of plan, either. All parents want to protect their children from being hurt.

If your son likes parties - then throw one - song dance eat nice food -

We often had ‘tea parties’ and had friends round - did the girls hair, clean clothes etc.

This isn’t the only party available!!

We had painting parties, garden parties, end of year parties - usually down the park - bring a plate - then birthday parties - Easter parties

Go throw one!!

Livid is a very OTT.

It's possible they need to invite the childs friends from school and it would be worse to leave them out as they will all be talking about it. She also said she knows you best, shes comfortable retracting the invite.

May be you could get together on an alternative date? Cutting her out over this one thing will just be cutting off your nose to spite your face, especially as your child limited friends anyway.

If she has form for this then yes consider phasing her out of your lives. But its silly to do that just over this.

The more you overthink it the worse you will feel.

This

Brilliantly explained 👌

I get that it hurts, but I think there's a lot of sense in the above.
She was probably thinking how it would be more difficult to remove one child from the list from his class.
However I think she could have told you what happened and then waited until all the rsvps were back as one of them will almost certainly drop out.
I think its lack of experience. Early school parties are always difficult to plan as its a new thing at that stage.

For what its worth, I've swapped invites with friends who had children not at school, we invited each other's DC. But I have to admit that it wasn't always a success for my child.. The birthday child and host were often too busy, The other children all knew each other and my DC only knew the host's child, so couldn't really join in properly. I didn't know the other parents, so although it was nice to be asked and go along, we both gave it up after a while. Meeting up outside of that was much more successful - and valuable because it helped when occasionally things were not going as smoothly at school to have outside friends to play with. School holiday meet ups were always much more fun than parties and a break from the whole school routine.

So maybe when things have cooled down, re think it, have a chat and see if its possible to keep the friendship going.

What kind of a party is it that can only have 6 kids and 7 is impossible??

I would take a different approach.

She messed up with numbers and is trying to minimise impact and cause the least problems for her little fella in school. You have a long friendship, it's less awkward contact you.

Have you considered texting "ah pity, he was really looking forward to it. On the off-chance someone cancelled or puts out, he would love to attend, even at short notice".

Don't ruin a friendship over one issue. However, if you see a recurring pattern, then you should.

At least one of those she’s invited won’t turn up.

Just don’t mention party again. A five year old will forget about the invite unless in the same class.Agree with other posters who suggested that it was easier to be honest with you rather than leave out one child in the class.
I do struggle to understand why one extra would be a problem l

I agree with this.

the fact that she has been straight up and honest with you speaks volumes - she appreciates the connection and values you as a friend she can make it up to

it would have been much harder for them to uninvited a class mate.

suggest a special trip to make it up for your son.

Issues with friendships and parties will crop up a LOT over the course of the average childhood and you have to model calm resilience to your son.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s not ok to fuel a furious grudge against someone who sounds quite genuine.

I would confront this in all honesty and be honest that you are hurt for your son and did she REALLY need to choose him and was his autism a factor?

She deserves to squirm a bit