Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

[Elsiep2]

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

I can see why she chose to I invite your DS as the only one who doesn’t go to the school. All the other children know each other and it’s even more difficult to leave one child out of a class or group of friends who’ll be talking about it at school.

YANBU to be upset and she is BU to have made such a huge fuck up.

I have to say I agree. Equally though, you have every right to be as honest and tell her how this has made you feel, and what your concerns are regarding you son. See if she offers a compromise x

I am sure pretty easily. Most of us organise parties while juggling work and life. You see "5 children" you invite 5 because that number is stuck in your head.

I am amazed I haven't managed that one yet 😂I have messed up enough things in the past.

I agree with this, if I had invited a load of children from a class and one from outside the class, then realised when it said number of guests I should have included my own child (I think easily done) I think the child from outside of class has to be the one to go, especially if I feel I knew the mum well.

I can understand your hurt but you are accusing her of treating you poorly and not being a good friend, she fucked up and she's looking for you to bail her out, do you think you are a good friend? If one of my good friends did this I'd totally get it, and similarly I'd ask one of my closer friends and not a random school mum. Not everyone will feel like that other people would bin one kid from the class or whatever but I think the thing about friendship is supporting other people's choices and being accepting

YANBU. She can get fucked. It's one thing to cancel on you, but massively unfair to treat your kid that way. I would just tell her you're busy for whatever the alternative meet up is and let your friendship fizzle out after this. Or you could just say you're no longer interested in meeting any longer after this. I would feel really sad if this happened to me. X

No I kind of get it, you make a list of invitees and either maybe assume the venue knows it's birthday child plus X or just have a real brain fart moment and don't clock on to add.

I agree . I think this means she trusts you to be understanding about her cock up.

Being uninvited is a horrible thing to experience but hopefully your little boy won't really be fully aware of whats happened.

If she were to uninvite a child from her childs class, thats likely to have far more serious repercussions for him.

The fact she has immediately suggested an alternative play date for her child and yours does suggest she wants to maintain the friendship, and that should be your priority, given he hasn't really any other friends.

If she hadn't made that suggestion, or was cagey about it if you suggested it, I'd say otherwise, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Tell your kiddo that you're really sorry, YOU double booked and you have to do some other thing that day but you'll take him for a day out with Friend on x day instead. That way, he never knows.

In all fairness, I'm thinking that you could be taking the situation a little bit to heart. That isn't a bad thing in itself.

Can I ask you if your son was aware that there was a party coming up that he was supposed to be going to but now isn't?

My suggestion going forwards is to only let your son know if he is going to a party either a day or two beforehand at most.

As this particular friend that has uninvited your son has been a long term friend, perhaps she thinks that you and her can do something else, something different with the boys on a different day and because you're such a close friend, that you won't mind moving things around? She might be trying to get her son to start making friends with the other pupils in the school that he is in and that your son isn't in. You might be seeing this as a slight on your son due to his autism and that is why he isn't being invited any more. You might want to start getting the other kids in your son's class involved in play dates/parties/after school stuff so that your son can make his own network of friends.

I honestly don't know what the actual situation is here but I don't think this situation is black and white and I wouldn't be flying off the handle here to drop this particular friend quite yet.

Do you think your DS will enjoy doing the activity with his friend? That's what would decide it for me.

But @Anywherebuthere this sort of thing is much tougher for parents of autistic children who I have seen so many threads like this across the forum about exclusion from parties for SEN children

The OP feels hurt. If you don't acknowledge to someone that they have hurt you you invite them to do so again

This, completely.

Then, as pp said, if she needs to retract one invitation, it is easier for it to be you, as she knows the two of you and your 2 dc can do something together another day, which makes much more sense than trying to 'deselect' one child of a group of 10 (or whatever number) who all see each other every day, and whose parents she doesn't really know yet.

YABU.

It's not great but to be honest if all the others go to the same school your ds would be the odd one put anyway - it would be much nicer to do an activity with his friend where is better quality time just the two of them.

Ouch, that's painful. But good news that she's suggested an alternative meet up. I agree taking a birthday cupcake with a candle and a present is a good idea especially if that's the bit your son enjoys most.

I will say that primary school is the point at which party invitations shift and you need to be prepared for that. Until school we tended to invite our friends and their kids, then there's a short crossover about age 4-6 where you do a bit of both (family friends and school friends) then after that it tends to be the child's own group of school friends.

I appreciate you are worried about autism and how it might affect your son socially and I get that. My eldest (now nearly 20) has ASD too and party invitations were on the rare side, sadly, but I made sure he had fun/enjoyable stuff to do.

This.
I kind of see where she's coming from and would expect more of it tbh.

I think in this situation it could be more to do with the amount of children invited and struggling with numbers. I understand op my child has autism and often wasn’t included. But my child found their people in school with careful interaction between home and school and a few understanding parents. Keep encouraging play dates. It sounds like the friend thought you would understand but it is insensitive. I hope your lo is ok I think I would be booked up on the day of the party and do something fun with him instead!

I doubt it was because you're least important.

She can't exclude one person from reception as excluding one person from a class or group of friends is bullying. She probably doesn't know any of the other parents yet to explain it to them. She can't uninvite her child. Its probably the only option, as shit as it is for your son

At their age almost certainly a few people will drop out, illness, change of plans etc. So if she has one child too many now it’s highly unlikely she will have one too many at the party, if my dc’s parties are anything to go by she won’t even have had all the responses yet.
I would be very upset in your place, I would tell her that, rather than just dropping her, and see how she responds.

Ouch, can't say I'd be thrilled with that either.

The fact that she instantly suggested doing it with just him shows that her reasoning is genuine, but it still stings.

Regarding taking along a cake etc - nah, the onus is on the other mother for something like that.

hi op - this sucks

I hve mentioned this on other threads but will say it here - I have an autistic child and I really advise early on that you start finding local families in similar position.

We go to a group for primary aged autistic girls it is a life saver, like minded parents with similar struggles - th egirls enjoy being with friends who are simliar to them in a relaxed environment.

you will face similar issues throughout primary school etc - find a tribe now who understand you.

Does your friend know about the autism?

I think at this point if she is a good friend I would be honest and say you are feeling fragile because of the autism.

do you think that really what has happened is she didn't want a 'non school' friend in the group? And that she may see the social challenges your child has and know it wouldnt have been easy for him to fit?

Likely one that has insurance and risk assessments for a fixed number of people, eg, swimming pools, soft plays, etc.

i reckon she just wanted to keep it to a group of school friends who she knows get on with each other.

Thing is people who don't have NT kids don't understand, it's not about learning you don't get to go to every party etc, it's about that probably being the one and only party they were going to get invited to. It stings massively x

I’m sorry your son is finding it tricky to make friends and that you predict he will be so upset by this situation. I can totally understand why a 5 year old would feel sad. I think though as someone upthread said I feel your friend made a genuine mistake and has offered a solution. Feeling, you as her friend of a few years, rather than a school mum, will help her. I would rise above your own hurt if you can. Explain to your friend your son is disappointed and looking forward to seeing her son another time instead and that you will bring gift/balloon/cake, so it feels like a little party. Tell your son it’s a special party, as he has known birthday boy the longest time and they are special friends.
As a previous poster said, I often try and reflect on whether I am being a good friend in situations, as I think it’s easy to forget others may be struggling too.
On a side note, I did once forget to count my own son, I was able to increase the numbers but the extra child was charged at an extortionate rate compared to others (I think to encourage people to book the bigger party rather than ‘tack on’ extras). I was lucky I could afford this but not sure what I would have done if not. Offer your friend understanding and I’m sure she will really appreciate it.

IMO it's always a bit awkward when there's a group from one school and one child that goes to another school that only the birthday child knows. They end up a bit left out more often than not anyway.

I think it actually sounds much nicer doing the activity just the two of them - the birthday boy will be able to spend quality time with OP's DS rather than being torn between two groups.

Lots of activities have max numbers for insurance reasons so the venue WILL NOT alter this. (.e.g one of my DC did an escape room, max 5 and every parent had to sign a disclaimer too).

I wouldn't frame it to your son as being disinvited but that the invitation has changed to another day, then have all the birthday stuff as normal (cake, present). He's not going to miss seeing children he doesn't know and will never see again, he's not going to form any lasting friendships from this one off party. In fact he is more likely to cement his friendship with the birthday boy in a 1 to 1 activity.

It sounds as if this friend has actually been very lovely, immediately offering the same activity on a different day. I'd give her a break, it was an honest mistake and these things happen with kids parties.