How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

If you have endo and you want kids, at 32 you need to start. I have two friends with endo, one is going through early menopause at 33 can never have kids. The other is 37 but has been struggling with infertility for four years and can't even do ivf because the hormones make her endo grow too fast so is now looking at adoption

I think the issue is he doesn’t want marriage or babies as much as you do and that’s much more significant than the money stuff. You’re very sensible to be thinking ahead about juggling finances but you’re sadly on your own if he’s either unrealistic about timings and prioritises or he’s actively stringing you along. Time for a serious chat. Don’t be fobbed off.

Things can work out if you want them to and I find I spend to budget. The less I earn (I had two children in nursery before they started doing the incentives at a younger age) so was basically working for nothing! But we made do.

We also got married after children. It was not a big do and actually only an afternoon (ceremony followed by a small buffet) as by this point we had 2 children. My dress was an ordinary occasion dress from Debenhams. Husband wore a suit he already owned. Hired a bouncy castle for kids, nothing else.

You need to decide your priorities and agree on them.

The fancy wedding sounds like a delay tactic

Very few people can actually afford to have children. But so show we manage when it happens

Options are:
Save in advance
Keep spending very very low - second hand everything, no holidays, one car if poss etc.
Universal credit if income is low enough

The new funding helps a lot (we missed out by a month with DD!). Basically you need to crunch some numbers - see if you are likely to get any help from Universal Credit, remember you'll get approx £100 a month child benefit, look into what your work's maternity policy is (plus your DP's work's parental leave policy - it can be shared to minimise income loss) etc.

In terms of the wedding I'd see if you can compromise. How many people NEED to be there? What can you do to minimise costs (village hall, no big sit down meal, wedding dress from Vinted etc?). What elements are vital to each of you?

It's also worth remembering that a marriage can be protection when you have DC, but if you have relatively equal salaries and pensions, if you both keep working full time, own your house 50/50 and have wills then it won't make too much difference. However, if you were to have a disabled child or a multiple birth that would mean one of you would have to give up work, that is the point that marriage would become more vital.

With your endometriosis, I think I'd pay off debt asap (second jobs if needed, no holidays etc) then try for a baby while continuing to save up for maternity leave/any nursery top up needed/wedding.

We had a tiny wedding , no honeymoon so I could be a sahm as didn't want to have the costs of childcare.
It wasn't always easy but we always had food on the table and clothes on our backs that's all that mattered.

Once you have a child you'll look back and think how nuts it was to spend that money on a wedding. So many people I know have said that.

I agree.

He's younger than you so it isn't as much of an issue for him. Are you sure that he isn't just naively dreamy about money and saving? This may be a red flag in itself... unfortunately sometimes you need to make less than ideal decisions.

Secondly, I 'd agree with being very sure that this isn't him kicking the can down the road with regards kids...he is still comparatively young, but you don't want to get fobbed off for too long.

I'm in the same boat OP, and was discussing this with my girl friends over the weekend, we just can't fathom how people can afford to have children on our salaries if they don't have help from family for childcare. Lots of our friends are in the same boat. We're all late twenties to early thirties, all either not planning to get married or had cheap weddings, all driving second hand cars and all living pretty frugally, all earning above the cut off for benefits though.
For us it's made harder by a WFH /office based work split too, one of us would have to cut their hours (like work 4 days over 5 days) in order to do the nursery pick ups/drop offs, because the nursery will either be close to work and far from home or the other way around, and they're not open long enough for us to work compressed hours and still make it to the nursery for pick up times, and paying for wraparound care just isn't feasible..

We had dc before we got married and the wedding was a lovely, quiet, understated affair that cost <£2K. I work and we claim benefits.

Childcare wise it’s literally just look at ways to work opposite each other/ flexibly/ find jobs that are family friendly etc. it’s all juggling and difficult but definitely definitely not impossible x I’d say go small small wedding if you can or small wedding big party done cheaply without the craziness big hotels make you pay for!!

Sorry, I agree with everyone else that you need to forget about the big wedding and just get on with it. We had a registry office wedding. Cost about £100 and was actually really lovely. Many women have problems with conceiving post 35 (or even earlier). Given your medical history I think you should start trying sooner rather than later. When I was trying for my second baby aged 37 it took a long time and I had two miscarriages before I had a successful pregnancy. You can't really mess around with your fertility. It's not worth risking it for an expensive party.

Are you reading the OPs posts at all? She would do this. Its her partner who won't. And she cannot make him.

Hmmmmmm. You don’t sound awfully financially secure. I’d consider the implications of a break up (with a child in tow), unless married you may find yourself financially disadvantaged if things don’t work out. Personally, I wouldn’t have a baby with anyone apart from my husband. In your position, if I wanted a baby now, I’d insist on a registry office do and say that you will throw a dream ceremony and party at a later date.

Set out your income, outgoings and calculate when you will pay off your debt. Factor in any potential pay rises. See what looks possible. Remember you will have maternity leave pay, child benefit and possibly tax credits.

Don't be sucked into promises of "free" childcare. Nurseries' t&c's mean you will end up paying no matter what!

Your H is only 29 so no wonder he thinks you have all the time in the world. He needs to cop on.

Yes I know that but I'm just emphasising how important this is. Unfortunately we can't talk to her partner but hopefully OP will be able to tell him what we've all said! She should show him the thread.

You don't need to have money (not much anyway) to get married. Go and sign the papers, you will be married and be legally protected. You can have a fancy wedding at a later point in your life when you have the money.

A lot of people would be in the same situation. If you cannot survive on just one wage, you should be elegible for universal credit or some other help.

The fact that youre both working is good. Who knows what you could be earning in ten years time when your little one is bigger. Have the baby - if you’re willing to work and you’re employable there will always be food on the table. You’re not old but I wouldn’t leave it too much longer. Best of luck

How many men really care about a 'dream wedding'? Maybe I'm a cynic, but it sounds like a classic stalling tactic from a man who does not really want to get married at all.

You know exactly what he is doing: running your clock down. I think you need to decide how important having DC is for you and then make a call if you wanna have them with someone else or chase the pipe dream of a big expensive, and unaffordable wedding instead with your current DP. I could not be with someone in any case who places so much importance on blowing money out on such fancy and in the end meaningless thing (esp if you don't have the cash) in place of progressing with life and having a family. Yuk. but I suspect he does not want children and is using the wedding as a tool to move the time line goal posts. Have seen it over and over again happening to friends.

Everything is doable on a budget, but you both have to be on board for it to work. I found a career I was able to do flexibly and from home to remove the child care costs and we live very frugally so we can prioritise the things we want/need.

Had a quick google
Registry office wedding costs can therefore be broken down like this:

• Overall average registry office wedding cost – £1,342
• Basic UK registry office ceremony rate – as low as £57
• Cost of ceremony room – £200
• Cost to give notice – from £35 per person
• Marriage certificates – around £10
• Admin and postage fees – starting from around £10

If it were me, I'd have a quiet wedding and a big party if you want one at some point. I've heard that the minute you mention 'wedding' to venues, costs soar. So a party later will be cheaper.

‘It’s not that expensive really’.

£2,000 - £2,5000 pcm round here for a nursery place…!

For how many days? What area? Sounds like a mugs game I'd move I also assume you mean £2500 not £25000.