How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

My husband and I are immigrants and both work full-time. When we had our daughter, we were making far less money than we are now 12 years later and we just figured it out. We both flexed our hours so we worked full-time in 4 days and therefore only needed childcare 3 days a week. I breastfed, we bought everything we could used or borrowed it (baby stuff is used for such a short amount of time), didn't go on holiday, made food at home... all the usual stuff. Luckily as our children have gotten bigger we both earn better money and can provide things like ballet lessons and caravan holidays and such.

Having a wedding and having a party are two different things altogether and I'd be super concerned at a partner of someone in their 30s with fertility issues who wasn't willing to prioritise with you as opposed to just dictating his decision. Leaving aside all the specifics, that's just not a great start to all the other decisions you'll have to make as you go along.

We started trying at 30 and it took us almost 3 years to have our daughter with no known fertility issues at the start so I'd be really concerned about waiting too long if you are definitely sure you want children. The window closes for women much more quickly than you'd think sometimes.

Have a small wedding, budget around 1.5k for it, registry and a small dinner for 10 people or so, cheap dress. Definitely get the civil wedding done before you have kids.

Are you mortgage free?

Also I agree that the baby years might be cheaper than you think - there is a booming second market for babies and young kids clothes, shoes, equipment etc as they outgrow it so quickly.

Ideally you'd both be able to alter your hours so that you work different hours to each other, including evening or weekend. Make friends in the local area with other baby mums, sometimes you can do a days childcare for each other.

Hey try not to worry about the cost. Lots of new childcare options available and to be honest you do just "manage". We never go out much anymore like we did pre kids and even that freed up a bit! I also now work from home running a small animal boarding company which fits perfectly with my babies. I took 6 months off but am still able to be at home and earn

Please please do a small register office and try for children ASAP if you have endo. NHS cut off for IVF is 35 and honestly it can be really hard anyway after that for some women. It took me over 3 years and 4 ivf rounds to have mine in the end. I would recommend starting ASAP.
You could comprise and have a huge party for your 5 year vows. Please don't let time get away with you if kids are important
You may be absolutely fine but if you have known potential fertility issues it just isn't worth the risk xx

at a guess list all the associated costs and then see what you can match, etc

@Evangelineee You don't NEED to spend a lot on your wedding. That is only a day. The ongoing Marriage is the important thing. You need to persuade your partner somehow! Maybe show him this post?

My daughter and my (now) SIL, had not managed to get round to getting married due to Finances for 16 years, because Daughter wanted a big Ceilidh and there was always something more important to spend their money on. Until he had a stroke.

He has more or less recovered now, but they changed their priorities as a result. In order to avoid further stress, they booked a registry office and had their son and 2 witnesses only at the ceremony. No-one else knew. All we were told that we are meeting them for a family meal at a time and place - and a warning that the venue was 'quite posh' so we might want to dress up a little.

We were still getting ready to go, when they sent us a picture!! Daughter had a very pretty dress, but not a formal wedding dress - it was a light gray/lilac - but it was one which she will wear again. The meal was lovely ( and it wasn't a set 'wedding' menu. We just ordered what we wanted off the normal menu). The cake was a lovely sponge one bought from Tesco with a topping bought online. Hotel even provided a proper knife to cut it with. Only parents, plus the witnesses and their children were invited to the meal. SIL insisted on paying for the meal for all of us, but we would happily have paid our share!

It was just a lovely, lovely day and did not cost very much at all. You could have a big party in a few years on an anniversary - but if you want children please don't put that off either.

If a big wedding is more important to him than being married to you then he doesn't want to be married to you all that much.

We were v poor when we had DS1. I was SAHM, we rented, DH worked in low paid job, we spent next to nothing. Was tough but I'm glad we kept our baby. (He wasn't planned.) We had got married a year before, registry office then self-catered party, 30 guests. Several of them said to me afterwards it was one of the most enjoyable weddings they had been to.

I would but i never wanted kids.

They tend to be cheaper if you don’t buy them.

I'd worry this is an excuse to put off marriage and children as he knows you'll never have the money.

If he really wanted to get married he'd go ahead with the registry office and then plan for the baby.

I think it's quite childish and feckless to insist on the "big wedding" when you can't afford it and are paying off debts. Who does it benefit? I had a big wedding and yes it was lovely but it cost a fortune and we had the money. In your position I'd have just had a small registry service and a meal afterwards.

Do not have a baby without getting married.

We pay £1k a month with the 15 hours funding for 9-3.30 at our nursery. It makes almost no difference. With the 30 free hours it is still £1,300 a month because they only let you use it for a full time, 8-6 place.

People need to stop peddling this shit, there are so many legal ways to protect yourself, no one 'needs' to get married.

Agree your dp needs to wise up and think clearly about priorities - as others have said, getting married isn't in itself terribly expensive, it doesn't have to be. It took us over two years to have dc1 and we were late 20s when we started with.no anticipation of any problems.

I'd just get on with it - if a baby is a priority, it's time to make it work. I've got several family who've had dc with next to no money and they have not regretted the child although clearly it's not an easy path.

OP you have nothing to worry about really.

30 free hours childcare for 9 month olds onward.

That’s 4 days a week. You could pay the extra £200ish a month for the 5th day, or do some kind of compressed hours between the two of you.

I would just get on with it to be honest (trying for a pregnancy).

I've suggested she and DP have a civil service that offers the same legal protection as marriage now they have an unexpected but gorgeous DC.

As you haven't shared your financials, working patterns, professional commitments etc. then really we can't comment.

We approached pregnancy (before marriage! Shock!) knowing it would be tight but we could do it. Then - surprise! - it was twins, so costs doubled overnight. We still managed. Unless you are literally scrimping through each month paying only essentials and bills with absolutely nothing left over, then you'll likely be fine. And I suspect you aren't scrimping like that because you wouldn't have been able to prioritise doing up your house.

This isn't what everyone can do but this is my answer to how we did it. Both on average salaries (on the lower side). We paid off our mortgage as much as we could before having our son. Shortly after he was born we paid it off. Our home probably isn't our forever home but if we aren't fortunate enough to move again, this is big enough for our family of 4 (i'm currently expecting my 2nd). We went without the big holidays (we went on Honeymoon to the US so haven't been completely without, but no regular, annual holidays) and put most of our savings into overpaying the mortgage. We had a medium wedding. Now we could probably afford for me to be a stay at home mum, but Im currently choosing to work part-time (feels like the best of both worlds to me).

Are you sure that you can protect yourself in the same way without marriage?
I'm pretty sure if your partner died you wouldn't receive widowed parents allowance unless you had been married?
Spousal maintenance (which I am aware isn't that common these days) in the event of divorce?
I think child maintinance ends at 18 but most divorces would agree maintenance through university too.
If your house is worth over 700k and your partner dies then I think unless you are married you would be liable for some inheritance tax.

Universal Credit is how I afforded child care OP. They pay up-to 85% of fees depending on Salary. I would check the government website to see if you would be entitled to it.

I wouldn’t have children with a man who didn’t understand the importance of a legal marriage first.

as for affordability, the best financial decision we ever made was moving to a city with cheaper housing. We also got access to better schools and an easier lifestyle in general. Yes, you give up some amenities but it is a lifetime of savings that will impact us all the way through into retirement.

The benefits of marriage:

No inheritance tax or probate on death of a spouse, clear legal framework for yourselves and any children of the marriage (no need for establishment of parental rights for example), legal responsibility for mutual support. Many of these things can be address with cohabitation agreements or civil partnership though.

If you're going to have a civil partnership you may as well get married, no?
I think it would be very unwise to proceed with having a baby and being unmarried unless you are very individually financially secure. which the OP isn't.

I’d think twice about marrying a man who doesn’t seem to have much semse when it comes to finances and priorities.

You're 32, he is 29. You are a woman who will be likely to have fertility issues. He is a man and there is no evidence of an issue. He doesn't 'get it' does he? He wants to save for a fancy party whilst your fertility gets less over the next 5years? I would say registry office and try for a baby now or this isn't working for me.

To answer how did we do. I was broke with student debt, DP care experienced, student debt, ND. Got pregnant by accident and it motivated us massively. DH got factory work 6am-4pm with OT available. I started working 2pm-10pm and set up my own business. We managed with no childcare, we managed with a very old and shit car. We had no presents we had Sun £9.99 holidays. It was very hard work and took 2 fully committed people working together to a common goal. And a good attitude to money. My wedding was a pot luck and cost £700 all in, for reference.