Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Do you know what 35 stone looks like? It's a lot, I'm not sure many people at that weight would even be able to leave the house let alone go to work every day. Regardless, I think you're confounding a few seperate issues here and attributing them all to his weight, which is a little unfair. Yes the sleep and sex is fair enough, but I'm not sure you can blame him for your disappointment with your life. I understand that it must be difficult when working night shifts but it's still within your control to do things you find enjoyable and fulfilling. Re the snoring, he's probably got severe sleep apnoea which could kill him. If he doesn't lose weight he could die. If you can afford it, mounjaro or wegovy are life changing for a lot of people and much less drastic than the surgical option.

This is so lovely, it's clear how much you love and respect him. If you do decide to talk to him about his weight, pls tell him all of those things first.

OP if you want to pm me because we're both in a very similar position, please feel free. Don't sleep walk into becoming his carer, DO find activities for yourself outside of the house.

35 stine is 490lbs. How is he still alive ?

I think more recent posters might have missed the part where OP failed to mention she’d separated from him for 5 years and online dated (if other threads are to be believed), and hasn’t been back on the thread for days.

Yes, when I and others mentioned that, and I several times asked some questions about the circumstances of the long separation (were there weight problems then, what is different now from the last time they separated to make it more difficult this time, what were the circumstances of getting back together after a separation of five years etc), all important issues to understand in order to give any advice now, she disappeared and never came back. I therefore have doubts about the whole story.

If he has "worked tirelessly" to support her and they "never argue" and he is such a great father, then why a five year separation?

Men like these are quite simply selfish stupid pricks - not that one of those is any use to them. If I were a woman I wouldn't stand it for a minute.

I think it is really unhelpful to look at morbid obesity this way. Most people who drink or eat to excess, or who take drugs for that matter, are usually doing so to help them cope with extreme stress or mh issues.

Not one person I know has hated themselves so much that they lost weight or did so because of the disapproval or scorn of others.

And that is a sample of how many?

I hated myself when I was extremely obese - all day, every day. But I was trapped in a cycle where nothing helped me lose weight. I expect the OP’s partner feels the same. I knew people didn’t like the look of me!! I’d always known that. I did manage to break out of it but it’s not easy and I am very concerned I could revert to type at any time!

I agree he’s very selfish to not even try and begin to sort things out.

How can he be all these great things OP claims but yet it appears he’d have been happy to continue having sex despite his large body weight causing her pain and her not enjoying it. And he doesn’t seem to mind that he is depriving her of sleep which is a basic human need! As well as all the other ways his lifestyle has affected his family.

Some women are far too tolerant with these things and I say this as someone who has struggled with binge eating myself. He has to at least make an effort.

@lacey79 have you managed to chat to dh and tell him you are concerned

I have what you might call a standard number of family, friends and colleagues. Large families on both sides and in both senses.

Why do you ask?

Do you have alternative examples of people who have hated themselves in to weight loss? If so, how many?

Edited to say: sorry that reads a lot snippier than intended. I am genuinely interested.

Imho people find it impossible to lose weight when in a bad negative mindset. Because it takes hard work and a lot of commitment to follow through. And if you hate yourself you tend to give up.

@Blondeshavemorefun she disappeared days ago when people pointed out that she had previously described having been separated from him for five years, which rather changes the whole story.

Thanks @AmythestBangle

tho guess couples do split sometimes

Yes they do, but a history of a long separation from the man means that some other questions are pertinent to any advice people give her, eg, what was the situation with the weight at the time of the last separation and at the time of the reconciliation, what are the other issues in the marriage, why they split and why they got back together etc.

Do you think he’d go to couples counselling?

Gotcha

Thi I did wonder if she misjudged the weight

as 35s is almost 500lbs 🙀🙀🙀

I know it's not a perfect situation, but you do seem to have so much to save in your relationship. You clearly both love and support each other, and actually like each other's company... That's such a good start. I suspect he knows this situation is negatively impacting you, but he's burying his head in the sand about how much as changing, and facing his own problems, must seem overwhelming. I think you must talk to him about his weight... Otherwise he's going to lose everything. Not being honest gives neither of you a chance to change anything, and it would be such a shame to just let a good thing fizzle out. I think you should both go to the doctor together as a start. If he hasn't got a co-morbidly like diabetes, then you will have to pay for weight loss jabs anyway, but best to get the docs involved to keep an eye on him as that is a big weight number to deal with. I also think you should try to bolster his confidence... Underneath the bravado, he must be feeling pretty rubbish. Start by showing /telling him this... And explaining this is why you are talking about his weight. You want your old relationship back... "Hes a good man, hes supportive, he worked tirelessly for me to change my careers to do the job i wanted so badly, he supported us all whilst i spent 3 years at uni with nothing but positive affirmations i was doing the right thing. Hes hilarious, we laughed all the time. We never argue, we never fall out, he grounds me when i angry, or sad, or getting frustrated more than i do myself. We met doing a shared hobby that we still talk about to this day though dont do as often togther anymore. Hes killer in a pub quiz that we used to do weekly for years and was teh hghlight of our week - i think thats one of the things i miss most about him. Hes intelligent and can have deep conversation about almost any subject and never judges an opnion that differs to his. He is a great dad, he listens to them, he always has advice if they need it, but will just listen and only problem solve when asked, he gives them the space to make their own choices, he is approachable. He was never strict or over bearing, but there for them to fail and support when needed. Hes a "how does that make you feel" type parent. He helps with homework and exams prep. He is a really good dad. Yes his weight now is a problem, but it wasnt always. Our kids had a great childhood with him there for them. And under the weight he is still that man. Hes just, i think lost sight of himself and how his choices are negetively impacting the family unit."

@lacey79 it sounds like he needs counselling around food, maybe but I understand that he needs to want to do that and that is where the problem lies. Good luck helping him to lose weight. Also getting some sleep yourself, even if it is in a hotel or something should be a priority. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.