Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

He must be unhappy himself if he’s over eating so much and it’s increased over the years. Get to the root of it and you might have an answer to the problem.

I suppose I just wanted to give you some hope. I was absolutely at the end of my tether when I had bariatric surgery. I was so big, so Ill, so depressed. Surgery is hard but it is transforming. I have my life back and I am well. I went through the nhs journey which took 5 years. I should have just borrowed the money and had the surgery through the same hospital. If you can get the money together, I do recommend it.

I’m not sure you’ll see this, OP, so many pages in.

But 6.5 hours a night isn’t enough for you - it just isn’t. Read “Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker, it changed my life.

I understand that you don’t want to fat shame him, you sound like a really caring person. But I think you can broach this conversation sensitively.

Others have suggested couples therapy, and that is another good way to make the discussion happen.

Why isn’t he the one sleeping downstairs? Why does it have to be you?

I know others have said this, but at that weight with that diet, he is unwell. That’s not a shamey thing to say, that’s the reality. If he doesn’t help himself, he isn’t going to be around to watch his children grow up.

One of the side effects of a drug I used to take for ADHD is reduced appetite. It’s actually also used for binge eating disorder (elvanse). I stopped taking the medication because I didn’t like it; but I was not hungry on it at all - I actively did not want to eat - so those medications do work (and I don’t have weight to lose).

Try fixing the practical things:

1. You need a bed to sleep in, in a space that's quiet enough for sleep. Your children also need somewhere quiet enough to sleep. Might make more sense for your husband to sleep downstairs and everyone else sleep upstairs. Might make sense to have the room he's sleeping in soundproofed. He also needs a bed, not a sofa etc in the medium term if he's going downstairs. How can you rearrange so there's one bedroom per person?

1. Snoring like that screams sleep apnoea - it might not be, but it's worth recording it and for him to see a GP. It's usually treated with a CPAP machine to keep the person properly oxygenated as they sleep. If he's getting better quality sleep he may have more energy to be interested in hobbies/ holidays / a different job etc. You may still decide you don't want to share a bedroom for sleeping as the machines can be noisy, but if it is that and it's treated that's a bit of a win.

1. There's lots of things you can try if you actively want to do sexual stuff together - look for 'sex ramp furniture' - which can help position one or both of you comfortably (and then look at physio equipment for cheaper alternatives to the overpriced advertised for sex stuff) - triangular wedges etc. There are books about having sex as a fat person and as a disabled person and their partners - the politics of whether fatness is a disability is complicated but for the purposes of sex stuff info for people with a mobility problem may be useful as in your case might info for people with heart failure. (If you don't want to do sexual stuff together that's a different issue).

The likelihood of a fat person becoming and staying straight sized is very low. Intentional weight loss is a risk factor for increasing weight. Asking him to try IWL is setting him up to fail. Whereas asking him to investigate sleep apnoea and sorting out sleeping arrangements so you are all getting a reasonable amount of sleep is actionable.

You don't have to stay together if you don't want. But I think it's worth reassessing once you're all sleeping better.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable as you say you love him and his weight will be severely impacting his life and life expectancy. You should be in a position to mention how much it is also upsetting you the thought he could die young etc at his current weight in the same way if a person we loved was a drug or alcohol addict, not eating enough/severely underweight, chain smoking etc we would approach that with them as we want that person to be around and healthy for as long as possible and sure your children want their father around for as long as possible

You can love someone and yet not be married to/living with them.

He apparently is indifferent to how his choices affect you. No doubt there are MH issues associated with developing that level of obesity, but you aren't a psychiatrist and he's not seeking appropriate help.

You only get one life here on Planet Earth. I would end it ASAP and move on. You can still be friends and co-parent, but if I were in your shoes, "love" would not be enough for me to subject myself to a sleepless, uncomfortable, uncaring lifestyle.

I think you’re pussyfooting around the problem OP. Only by a frank talk to him about how it’s effecting you,and while you still love him you don’t find him attractive the way he is and that he has killed any romance between the pair of you - not to mention killing himself at the same time. Unless he’s prepared to take action to loose the weight, change his lifestyle you are going to leave him. Sorry but it’s time for tough love. Good luck.

I'd leave. He clearly has no interest in your happiness or his own health.

What a depressing black hole of a life you have. Of course he needs to change. He’s killing himself and it’s massively affecting you. He either changes or you go, right? I don’t think you can be polite because of his ‘feelings’.

He needs to get to the GP, he probably needs a CPAP machine for when he's asleep. I couldn't live like that

Your husband is a junk food addict which is something no to be underestimated. When we eat foods high in sugar, fat and salt, the pleasure receptors in the brain light up to signal for more, the same receptors that light up when taking cocaine for example. It’s really difficult as we can't abstain completely from food like other drugs. Junk food also makes us really depressed and lethargic. He needs help but you need to be firm as well as supportive. Sit him down and tell him how you feel and that he's an addict, you still love him and are willing to support him while he gets help to change but you're not willing to remain in your current situation and if he doesn't get help you will have no choice but to ask him to leave. Then tell him to make an appointment with his doctor. The Pleasure Trap is a really good book that explains why we over eat junk. Good luck 💛

On the nights you are home, could you play a gastric band hypnosis to him while he sleeps? It's a healthier alternative to surgery and may be the kick start he needs although unlikely to work unless he actuallywants to lose weight. He certainly needs help in getting to grips with his weight management and perhaps he is finding that the perceived rejection by you is adding to the comfort eating.
I think he needs to know that it is not the weight itself but the impact of it, the snoring etc. that is causing problems for all of you as a family and that you'll support him in getting help.

This sounds like a miserable way to live and you'll have to do something.
I don't think it is 'fat shaming' to explain that his weight has ruined your mattress and made it impossible for you to share a bed or even a room with him. This lack of intimacy plus lack of sleep is making you deeply unhappy to the point where you are not sure you carry on living with him. You can't make him do anything but you can tell him how you are feeling.

35 stone that's awful.
No wonder your fed up.
Why dosent he want to.lose weight if it would improve your lives and his health?

With 22 stones, he would be slightly obese, not that much to lose, BMI 35. But with around 35 stones, that's like BMI 56, which is terrible for his health. And of course it is causing problems with his breathing, reason for snoring. Would you be able to get him to see a doctor? Maybe he has a sleep apnea, which could be treated by operation and he will breathe easier, but losing weight is the thing he needs to consider to avoid so many health issues. You did not write your age, but having teenager kids, I assume you could be around 50s? It is terrible how many health problems he can develop in short period of time, not even thinking how much he must be struggling moving. You will definitely become his carer if this doesn't change and you need to consider what you will do. You are definitely not YABU, because it will affect you a lot if nothing will change.

So sorry you're in such a difficult position, OP. Re. this thought about a different response were the sexes reversed - I really don't think the response would be different if the DW was so seriously obese and the DH listed problems with their sex life amongst the many other issues and huge impact on the other partner. And I think that's not really relevant anyway. It is destroying your life by the sounds of things. You know you're not being unreasonable in your expectations or superficial or judgemental. I think you have been too afraid of hurting him to address it but it can't carry on as it's not only his choice as to what to do to his body, the ramifications on you and I imagine the whole family are very considerable. I agree with PP that you very easily could soon end up in a caring role and him unable to work. I wish you the best.

Give DH a thumbs up from me!

Well, hello! You leaving could be his wake up call

He needs to be told. How old are the children? It’s not fair on you. He needs to see a doctor and get bariatic surgery or Ozempic or the marriage is over

The thing is that he will need to be commited to weight loss even if he takes the meds. He may well have side effects to manage. They will reduce appetite but he will need to think carefully about diet and portions if he is to avoid making himself sick and still get enough nutrients. As the weight goes down to avoid losing too much muscle mass he will have to start to exercise. All of this is totally doable. But it is way more effort and organisation than a daily shower.

You might want to get him to take a look at the weight loss threads on mumsnet OP. He may be stuck in a cycle of despair and self disgust and the realisation that there could be a way out might be what he needs to get started.

From what I understand 35 stone is near a quarter of a ton. That's a lot for any one human skeleton to carry, let alone his vital organs.

The replies saying to leave him are absolutely disgusting. Obesity is a real and serious medical condition, no different from any other chronic condition. And yet, I bet the same women saying to leave this man are horrified whenever a man leaves a wife with a chronic disease.

@lacey79 Your husband is dangerously overweight and needs urgent medical attention, but he also needs to be willing to change his ways. In the interim, you need some sleep- you've said ear plugs are uncomfortable, but have you tried different ear plugs? Are all doors closed between you and your husband? Are there other places in the house that are suitable for sleeping in? Is he using CPAP for the snoring?

Yeah this. Where's the appeal!

It sounds really tough

i would honestly just say ‘I’m worried about you and your health ‘ see where the conversation goes he will know what you are referring too…
you could mention seeing a Gp regarding snoring. Sounds like he needs a full MOT from the doctor. Blood pressure / weight / bloods doing.
I would also strongly look at getting no hours or ozempic from a private practitioner. His weight loss will be quite quick to begin with as he’s so large.
maybe you could talk about the positives - if you’re well rested you are happier. If he was to stop snoring you could come off nights have a better routine (nights are awful for your health higher risk of early death obesity and cardiovascular disease - I know this because I do them also and hate how they impact my life)
you could talk about the things you could do - go for walks, go to the seaside, plan a holiday etc. but most of all he has to want to do it and honestly I would probably be giving him an ultimatum.