Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

The lack of showering is sickening. The quality of your life is so poor remaining with this man. Yes it might be disordered eating, but not having a shower is just pure laziness. They have lost all interest.

What a life sentence. Just counting down until an inevitable heart attack happens.

Please leave. You can still be friends, the best of friends but surely your life is worth more than this?

Hes a good man, hes supportive, he worked tirelessly for me to change my careers to do the job i wanted so badly, he supported us all whilst i spent 3 years at uni with nothing but positive affirmations i was doing the right thing. Hes hilarious, we laughed all the time. We never argue, we never fall out, he grounds me when i angry, or sad, or getting frustrated more than i do myself. We met doing a shared hobby that we still talk about to this day though dont do as often togther anymore. Hes killer in a pub quiz that we used to do weekly for years and was teh hghlight of our week - i think thats one of the things i miss most about him. Hes intelligent and can have deep conversation about almost any subject and never judges an opnion that differs to his. He is a great dad, he listens to them, he always has advice if they need it, but will just listen and only problem solve when asked, he gives them the space to make their own choices, he is approachable. He was never strict or over bearing, but there for them to fail and support when needed. Hes a "how does that make you feel" type parent. He helps with homework and exams prep. He is a really good dad. Yes his weight now is a problem, but it wasnt always. Our kids had a great childhood with him there for them. And under the weight he is still that man. Hes just, i think lost sight of himself and how his choices are negetively impacting the family unit.

I'm not surprised you feel this way. You really need to think about making yourself happy OP and what you want long term. Good luck 🥰

You have described a great friend, not a husband op.

Where is the passion, the sex, the romance, the affection and attraction?

Your question is "is it AIBU to speak to him" as you do what you want with your body etc. 100% you must have a serious conversation with him, I'm guessing the 35st is an estimate rather than fact as that is really really big.
This isn't just about relationship..? You care about him, you love him, but neither of you can live like this. Medical advice is pretty important, but a serious 1 to 1 with him you must have asap, for both of you.
Really hope you can help him to help your household.

That was all there in the beginning, i dont think those thing necessarily last throughout all marriages. Yes i would like the sex to still be an element however. But after 20 something years, those things are less important than they used to be.

Having read your further responses it seems clear that as he was once supportive and isn't now he's become (understandably) defensive.

He's not able to acknowledge the impact on HIM never mind you

You might have to be very forthright in your talks with him about this. It sounds very hard.

How are your children managing to sleep?

You say you don't want to end things, you just want him to change. The problem is that only he can make changes to himself, you can't do it for him. You can however make changes for yourself and this needs to be your priority. You need sleep. Can you afford to rent a small place by yourself? It seems to me you maybe need time out of the situation so you can think clearly and so your DH can see that you cannot live as you are currently. You are at stalemate right now and I don't think he is going to make the first move. You need to do something to jolt him into releasing something has to change.

I have no idea. Theyre all thankfully very heavy sleepers, ive always been a light sleeper, and struggle to sleep with background noise anyway. I also think the fact the living room sofa where i sleep is directly below and backs on to the same wall as the bed, its less loud in their bedrooms, but theres no other way of arranging the spaces or other rooms i can sleep in.

No i cant afford to rent a place by myself without that further impacting my kids. I wouldnt be able to pay the same i do currently to keep their lifestyle, and rent a place. I also dont want to further reduced the time spent with my kids.

You don't have the right to say what he does with his body.
But you have the right to say that you would like sex you enjoy and sleep to keep you healthy and sane. You would like to see your children in the years while they still live with you.
He is taking all that away from you.
It's not about him, what he wants, needs, does or is allowed.
It's about you saving yourself.

I agree it’s less important, but it’s not unimportant. I have been married for 22 years snd yes it’s probably not the priority it was - but sleep is an absolute necessity. I would say affection and kissing and enjoying adventures together is what keeps us connected. Can he even fly? Take a walk in a Sunday? Enjoy basic days out?

An honest conversation about the impact of his choices needs to happen. He is opting out of life op. I insgibe it’d rooted in mental health, and comfort eating as a coping strategy. I just don’t think any of this is fair to you, and he is being quite selfish not to consider how this is affecting you.

I would be concerned by not saying anything he is going to end up in a wheelchair, or unable to leave his bed without mechanical help and you are going to be in role of carer attending to bed sores before too long.

I would definitely focus on the snoring aspect.

Be honest very honest about it and tell him
he needs to go to the gp because you want to sleep back in your own bed like a normal person and it’s not normal to sleep on the sofa.

Keep pushing for him to see the gp for his snoring and then the gp will tell him to lose weight.

He knows he’s overweight.
Obesity is a disease.
Usually telling an overweight person to lose weight doesn’t work.
So I would focus on the snoring and how it’s affecting your relationship.

@lacey79 That's fair enough. I'm just trying to think of ways you can impress upon your DH the massive impact this is having on you and how you might be able to get some sleep.

35 stone?! That’s almost 500lbs, how is he even getting to work and moving around?

it doesn’t sound like he tries to help himself - he could easily get weight loss jabs on the NHS.

Honestly it sounds like a miserable life for you OP. Working nights, no sex, not being able to sleep in your own bed. Think about what you want for your life now your kids are older, this probably isn’t it.

It sounds like you need to have a conversation and work on the weight challenge as a team. He needs to be committed to the weight loss but having family support would help. You could all adopt a healthier lifestyle. Think of it as an addiction issue. It would probably be helpful for you both to have some counselling as well.

It must be costing you a fortune! Maintaining that sort of weight takes a huge amount of convenience food. Is he paying for it all himself?

You seem very committed and loyal as many would have left years ago. I would struggle with the self neglect issue and the impact on the family.

You could support him to see the doctor re his snoring. At that weight, I don't see how you can not mention it, its not an aesthetic issue but a serious health problem. As others have mentioned, he should be able to get weight loss jabs on the NHS at that weight (has he ever tried to lose weight previously?)

Honestly? I don't mean to sound harsh, but there's a lot of tip toe-ing around and "can't tell someone what do with their body" while they merrily go about eating themselves to death and setting fire to your sex life, your sleep, your fun, your future, your relationship with your kids, your health etc.

Stuff that! I'd be sitting him down and telling him everything you've said here and holding nothing back. Yes, you love him, but he's being incredibly selfish and it's ruining almost every aspect of your life and something has to change immediately.

I would have raised this at 100kgs let alone 220! The weight plus the lack of regular showers would see me out the door. Definitely raise it with him. And I’d be giving him an ultimatum- get to the Dr or you’ll leave. Even if he does lose weight all the damage is done he’ll have skin hanging down in all sorts of places. Surely the children are horrified?