Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

There was one comment about uou being his carer soon & that is probably true. I feel so sad for you that this happening. Are you able yo speak to a medical professional about what is happening. You may have to give him an ultimatum for his own good tbh.

I agree he needs some kind of medical intervention. I've recently started Mounjaro with Voy (PM me for an intro code if you like) and I'm 20 stone lighter than your husband. Along with the "food noise" disappearing and not physically being able to eat large meals (as well as not wanting to), I've got a clearer mind and am feeling super positive, plus my DH has reported less snoring. Lost half a stone in less than 2 weeks.

I wouldn't stay with the partner as you've described here if he takes no action now, it's just not fair on you.

What’s in this relationship for you? I’d mention it and if I didn’t see him make any effort (ie visit the GP) then I’d move out. His robbing you off your best years whilst lining you up as a carer for his own future!

I’d write to his GP with your concerns also, so that it’s on file if and when he does go. They may call him in for a routine health check.

CPAP - a sleep assessment ( usually done at home) will almost certainly show sleep apnoa and he’ll be given a CPAP machine.
You can’t snore using it. It’ll help him feel more rested and give him the energy to tackle his weight.

You’re gonna need more than a quiet word. I think marriage counselling as a first step - he needs to then take ownership of his eating problem and get help , not just medical but therapy as well. If he doesn’t drop dead of a heat attack soon, you will end up as his care giver. Has he got a will in place?

He almost certainly has obstructive sleep apnoea, most morbidly obese people do. This can be dealt with very quickly by acquiring a C-PAP machine.
That should be the first step. It will take him a bit of getting used to. His response to this suggestion should tell you whether he’s willing to change to improve both of your lives.

Hi @lacey79 I think my views might differ from the responses I have read in that I would be really direct with him about the impact his weight is having. You don’t need to say he is no longer attractive etc, but you can say his weight is impacting sex and sleep and you cannot go on living like this. Say you want to help him and be with him but there needs to be drastic changes for that to happen. Say you miss doing things together, holidays etc and until he makes a drastic change this weight these things are not going to change. You owe it to both of you to really spell out how dire things are before you leave him. Just my thoughts.

That’s a massive weight gain. Get his thyroid function checked.

You seem to have described the situation very carefully, fairly and thoughtfully - try to keep that mood going whilst you work on getting improvements. I think you need the weight loss to look like a secondary benefit from any together time, walks, holidaying again, etc. that you manage to encourage and achieve. Would healthier eating be possible? Who manages the food coming into the house - any unhealthy takeaway deliveries - if there are then these are quite easy to 'shoot down', if only on cost grounds.

Jesus Christ

35 stone is excessive and nobody would want to have their partner reach morbid obesity

What he is doing is self harm. He needs help and he needs fo address his problem

Time for some tough talk

I doubt he is deliberately piling on the weight. He may be in an addiction cycle (addicted to food) and unable to break out of it. He does need an intervention. As others have said he could also have a medical problem - thyroid?

I’m sorry @lacey79 but I don’t think this is about whether it’s unreasonable anymore, it’s a necessity that you have the conversation… I think you need to tell him sex is painful and uncomfortable for you and you won’t be ‘called upon to satisfy him!! 🤮🤮 …. That in itself is a huge ick for me….. having to have sex on demand! The fact it’s unpleasant for you makes that even worse!
DYou having tattoos and piercings and being a normal size rather than tiny is not impacting him!….
Do you not have a spare bedroom you can sleep in during the day? When he complains how unfair it is that you’re a sleep during the day … why is he not at work during the day? Could you stay at one of children’s homes and sleep in a spare room there?
why is he so big? Does he order in takeaways ?
Id start with booking and taking him to the doctors… ask about his snoring … let him hear from them that he’s obese … maybe he’s depressed? Maybe a doctor can offer support/refer him??
but yes, I 100% think you need to be honest with him and tell him how it’s impacting on your mental and physical health. If he’s unwilling to make life changes for your benefit then I’d be leaving him I’m afraid

I get the impression that as frustrated as OP feels , she is also somewhat protective of her husband and isn’t ready to face up to the realities of how his lifestyle is threatening his health and how he is actually being quite selfish.

Hes intelligent and can have deep conversation about almost any subject and never judges an opnion that differs

But yet she can’t talk to him about what is essentially a matter of life and death that will affect not only her but their children. And while he doesn’t seem to bother she’s been turfed out her her and is sleep deprived, he is bothered about her not coming upstairs to “service” him. The standards of some women are in absolute hell. No wonder so many men think you’re being massively demanding or unrealistic if you have even moderately high standards.

I think you need to have a chat as if he is that over weight he may have risk of other issues like high bp and diabetes etx

also a risk of stroke and heart attack and die and obv you and kids don’t want that

you can’t survive on such little sleep forever and doing nights sounds like you aren’t seeing your kids much either

would a gastric sleeve be something to consider rather then injections

Does he not realise how his weight gain must be affecting his health

OP, this situation is untenable! I think it’s reasonable to put your cards on the table and leave if he doesn’t seek help and change, no matter how lovely he is. He’s killing himself and taking you down with him.

Maybe I’m a horrible person, but in all honesty I don’t fancy my husband as much if he gains weight. He recently put on half a stone when he started a new job and I was less attracted to him. I was honest with him about it, and he’s lost the weight. This is apparently unthinkable on MN, but I’d far rather we were honest with each other than just let the relationship slide.

I'm confused how a relationship has lasted this long where it litterally takes your health being on the line to actually consider raising this issue. You only live once and the healthier you are the longer you have to enjoy your spouse and children etc. Subsequently, i think that trying to be in good health is a necessity as nobody wants to be looking after a sick partner for decades especially when their illness is self inflicted. The take away point is he must look after himself better so he can be the man his wife and children deserve, if he no longer strives to be that man then divorce is inevitable

My partner was assessed at a local sleep center.
He's probably around the same size as the OPs husband.
He's now aged 63 and basically chair bound. Check out Giant Scrotal disease. It's rare, but most common in very overweight males. Hopefully that would be frightening enough to persuade him to take action.
Sending you best wishes OP, I do understand. We haven't had a holiday for about 6 years, he can't even come out with me in my car to sit at the local nature reserve.

There’s a podcast by Dr’s Chris and Xand Van Tulleken that you might find useful about how Xand gained a lot of weight and was very defensive when his twin brother Chris tried to help him. Lots of great info on understanding weight gain and how to help a loved one struggling with obesity. Look up ‘a thorough investigation with Chris and Xand Van Tulleken’ on bbc iplayer.
Re the snoring, it could well be sleep apnoea and needs treatment as others have mentioned. CPAP machines can be life changing. So important for you both to get good quality sleep. Good luck.

Gently, OP, he's unlikely to live long or if he does live , you'll be his carer

Give him an ultimatum

He'll ignore it

Get out! Save your life

Sleep apnea will affect his driving and the dvla has to be informed of this, if not being treated. Surely he qualifies for weight injections on the NHS? It sounds as if only a health emergency will convince him to take action!

It isn't weight loss jabs he needs, he needs to stop shovelling 10,000+ calories of junk food down his throat every day. Unless he has a mental illness (I mean a diagnosed one, not the asserted version people use to try and shut down any challenge to their unreasonable behaviour), losing weight is perfectly doable given enough time. You don't get to 35 stone without extreme eating. As for those claiming no-one has the right to tell him what to do with his body, you are missing the point. Firstly, everyone has the right to an opinion. Secondly, and far more importantly, it is perfectly reasonable to advocate directly he does something about it based on the externalised costs on the OP. I wish people would stop with this American attitude of I-have-rights-don't-tell-me-what-to-do when they are inflicting suffering on others, yes those adversely affected are damned well within the bounds of reasonable-ness to advocate you to pack it in if you are unreasonably inflicting costs/suffering on them, it is the reason we have a legal system and the concept of compensation in the civilised world. The only concept that applies here is that you cannot control other people, so the OP can advocate he engages in a weight loss programme but he has to agree to it. If he will not do that, she needs to decide if she is capable of living with him in this situation for what could be many years, and if not, say goodbye.

If he loves you he should get in shape. Join a gym together, drag him down there. Serve him salads. Stop the carbs. Tell him his weight is affecting you, his snoring is driving you insane and tell him if he loves you to get his fat butt down the gym instead of lying down watching TV or being on the computer. Simple as. A relationship only works when 2 people make the effort. I've been married for 25 years so I count myself as quite the expert. I don't avoid tricky topics at all. We both confront them head on.

This sounds so tough. I really feel for you and your partner, it’s almost impossible to stop eating when you are so dependent on it.

I’ve always struggled with food, not to the point your partner does, but I’ve never been able to just stop and eat the calories I need. I’ve been listening to DR Chris Van Tulleken’s podcast about Ultra Processed food and how addictive they are, it also explores the relationship between him and his brother. The strain his brother’s “unhealthy” lifestyle had on their relationship. Might be worth a listen, me and my Husband have been listening… I like it because I think it helps my husband understand why I struggle, and also make me think more about what I’m eating. I’ve made some changes since listening to it.