Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

If I were you I would concentrate on the snoring. He needs a Cpap machine and that might lead on to weight loss injections.

You guys married?

I still would like to know what happened (to his weight, the relationship and in general) during the 5 years that they were separated. That is a long break in a relationship. That needs to be factored in to how/whether she can help him now.What are his main motivators? What precipitated getting back together, whose decision was it? What were your expectations from the rekindled relationship? Was he already this obese? If so, what has changed now to make you think of separation again? If not, have you any inkling why he has put on more weight since then (depression? Illness? Something in your life circumstances? Anything that can be changed? Weight loss injections are absolutely needed but the causes of the obesity also needs to be addressed in the longer term ).

If this is genuine then OP will be sleeping now (hopefully) as she works nights

Sleep apnea and loud snoring go hand in hand. His GP can arrange a Sleep Study to record how many times he stops breathing in an hour. My partner was overweight and snored loudly too. His study showed he stopped breathing 84 times an hour! A CPAP machine basically changed his life.. No more snoring. He became more energetic because of his sleep improvement. So he naturally ate less fast food/chocs/drinks and started walking every day. He lost 8 stones over a 4 year period. He now no longer needs the CPAP mask. Doesn't snore either. He eats healthily and has maintained his lower weight. Sleep apnea is very serious, please urge him to take the test.

See this thread as a practice run for your conversation.

Put together and rehearse what you'll say.

Keep it kind, compassionate, factual, avoiding blame and criticism and focussing on your concern and worry for his health, his future, his life expectancy and ability to be present for your children.

Have the facts ready - info on what is classed as dangerously obese, health and life limiting implications etc. And on the impact of sleep deprivation on others.

Express your own rights and needs for a decent night's sleep in a comfortable bed.

Ask him what he's going to do for his health, for his children's sake, for your marriage and ensure he knows you're all there to support him in what you understand will be a difficult process.

If you want to stay with someone can you sleep differently? Sleep separately, use Beary Quiet ear plugs, get him to the doctor and experiment with him using anti snoring devices.

She's already sleeping separately (on the sofa as that is the only spare place) and specified she can't wear ear plugs. There's also alot more info in OPs posts if you read them all

So...she never came back to answer any of the further questions including about the previous separation...hmm

I think if snoring is such a big problem you should strongly encourage him to see GP about it. Yes weight loss will help but they might be able to offer other advice. Have you tried anything to help you sleep? I find GPs reluctant to prescribe for this but if they could give you some amitriptyline you'd probably sleep through the snoring (but also he really needs to go to the GP about the snoring!)

He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

This is much bigger than OPs disturbed sleep which yes - is significant in itself as sleep deprivation is awful but it clearly goes way deeper than that.

Aside from the fact her partner could be eating himself into an early grave, he is not able to fully participate in family life, and their sex life is painful and uncomfortable. They don’t go on holidays or dates anymore and he’s lacking in ambition.

She does not need ear plugs or medication to deal with his snoring, that’s entirely inappropriate and potentially harmful.

You said he is "physically so large he can't rollover in bed". It is time for him to be told enough is enough.

The last 6 months before my husband went into hospital, I didn't get a full night's sleep, when I did go to sleep I was on alert and roused very easily. Different reasons entirely but that 1st night's sleep after he went into hospital OMG I realised how long I'd been struggling and that I was running on empty.
That was 6 months thereabouts but it affected my personality, I was always tired and irritable, resentful and I know it would only have got worse.
You need to look to yourself, you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids.
If you are happy to stay working nights then step 1 is twin beds so you get to sleep on a decent mattress in the daytime and he gets to be OUT of the bedroom doing things while you're asleep (which can only be to his benefit).
A conversation HAS to happen - what are his plans because this can't continue. Does he have a care plan worked out? If that question doesn't shake him up I don't know what will!
Oh and btw I speak as someone who's had both sleep apnoea and bariatric surgery.

It is really strange that he is so emotionally literate but has never brought up his weight and loss of interest in life as an issue. If he is so reasonable I can't see a problem with you telling him how it impacts you and how worried you are for his health and the potential devastating effects on the family if he dies suddenly or become disabled by a stroke etc. It sounds like he needs to be confronted with a large dose of reality and it is possible to do that without ripping him to shreds.

OP, you have described a wonderful man and father. You have a SIL who has had great success on weight loss drugs. She is encouraging of your DH and will support him. As will you. There is an obvious solution for this and a show-and-tell example in the form of your SIL. He is lucky to live in a time when this is accessible to him.
I would take him aside, go somewhere away from the kids and home and tell him how you feel (Leave sex out of it. That’s a conversation for another day) Explain how tired you are. Tell him how your lack of sleep is impacting your life. Tell him all the good points about him in the way you set him out here. Tell him you don’t want to leave BUT be very clear that you have no option but to, for your own health and sanity. Give him a deadline. A GP appointment within a couple of weeks. Or an appointment with the local pharmacist who can prescribe weight loss drugs. Tell him you’d like to go with him to support him in the way he supported you through your degree. Offer to make some lifestyle changes too. Less time online. More time interacting as a family.
Explain that the deadline is a hard deadline and if he does not make an effort to take responsibility for his health and weight you will leave within X weeks/months. Then leave it to him. Suggest a follow up conversation in a week’s time where he gives you his answer. It is then his responsibility and his decision. You will have been clear and upfront. You have officially reached the end of your (very long) tether. Good luck.

You can not continue to live like this and he needs to understand that he needs to change not just for you but more importantly himself.
Surely he’s not happy being this big, try talking to him and be completely honest with him. Tell him you’re worried about his health and that he needs to get help before his health really starts to decline.

I got a C-Pap as I had really bad sleep apnoea when I went into REM sleep (53 incidences per hour). I also snored so my poor husband was having really disturbed nights.

I now feel miles better and the incidences of waking up are usually between 1-3 per hour - and my husband is getting a good night’s sleep. Perhaps your husband would benefit from a C-Pap and he might have more energy to lose some weight.

My partner was having really bad snoring, it was affecting me too.

We both went to the GP to get help, and they sent us to a weight programme, it's not to lose weight, but to just eat healthier.

Another option is maybe to just go to a health retreat, maybe he just needs a kickstart

He knows the problems he has and the way it is affecting you, yet he chooses to do nothing about it, or to make you happy. You need to stop focussing on changes he needs to make, because he won't make any, focus instead on what you are going to do about this miserable situation, and how you are going to put yourself first and regain your happiness

I could have written this post, except my DH was a healthy weight for the first few years that we were together. However my DH has no interest in seeing a doctor, and doesn’t seem to care that he’s likely to die young, leaving our DC without a father.

35 stone is morbidly obese. You say he can't even roll over in bed, that says it all.
He's a heart attack waiting to happen.
There comes a point when you have to be brutally honest for your sake and his.
Not just his health, but the fact you have no life is really sad for you. Life is too short to be existing. Do you really want to carry on this way if he isn't helping himself?

Would attending Over Eaters Anonymous help him I wonder? OA is like AA except for people addicted to food rather than alcohol. I mean you have to have food addiction if you weugh 35 stone, surely?
Not addressing his morbid obesity is negligent in my opinion. If my husband gains weight I tell him as I believe it's my duty and vice versa.
You have been so tolerant and has it helped? No.

You really need to have this out with him. He isn’t just a bit over weight, this is dangerously overweight. He is obviously aware but most likely stuck in a rut and no doubt depressed about it too. Talking about it may help him face facts, especially if he knows how badly it is affecting you too. You can’t just expect him to know, talk about it. Good luck hope you both find a solution.

The problem is his snoring. He needs to sort that out. You should take your bed back.
You need to reflect the consequences of his decision back on him.
Perhaps he can sleep in a tent in the garden until he sorts the problem?
I find it hard to believe that having a 35 St snoring father has no effect on your children. He needs to sort out his weight if he wants to see them grow up.
Ultimatum time.

15 stone weight gain in 3 years is very alarming, has he had any medical tests done?

I think I would leave, if he doesn’t want to help himself you can’t live like that , you’ll end up resenting him