Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Absolutely this^^

Please don't give him an ultimatum either. They don't work.

Just tell him how much you love him and miss him. How you can't go in like this. Maybe go away on a break to discuss it? Get out of your usual environment anyway.

He sounds like a good candidate for weight loss jabs. Maybe his GP would prescribe them for him as he is so severely overweight?

No you are not being unreasonable to bring this up with him. Hair colour and style , tattoos, piercings, dress sense etc are not a ticking time bomb for a massive heart attack, diabetes, stroke, msk issues etc. Morbid obesity is! It isn’t about telling him what he can and can’t do, it’s about the very serious health issues in his not too distant
future. It is also impacting on you. As a society, we need to stop viewing conversations about weight gain (that puts someone into the overweight, obese or morbidly obese category) as taboo.These conversations need to be had.

I was on your side until you said "I'll be damned if I let anyone tell me what to do with my body" you should certainly consult your partner before anything like that in my opinion because it does have an effect on them and anything that effects your partner then they should be consulted on their thoughts.

That being said 35 stone is massive and no wonder you don't find him attractive anymore it must be like living with jabba the hut and a little extra weight then fair enough but grotesquelee obese I would have to give them an ultimatum of either lose it or we go our separate ways.

I can also relate to the sleep issue, I have 4 to 5 hours broken sleep a night and I am exhausted all the time and every 3 weeks it hits me and I literally pass out so this has very serious issues and risks to yourself.

Hope you make the right decision but he needs to consider you and go the gym and go on a diet.

I know it's a vicious circle, but every time he woke me up with his snoring I would wake him up ... he can sleep on the couch at weekends if he's not prepared to do something to change things

He has the right not to change his body or his life.

you have the right to change your life (existence) too.

i am sorry that you are missing out on the last fey years of your children being at home. If you don’t build that as young adults you could lose them altogether later.

maybe a trial separation would show you are serious ( he moves out).

Maybe you could suggest that men of a certain age should get a medical check up and that he should see his GP for one, which would include (45+) Prostate cancer and at the same time he could say you are worried about apnea because his snoring has got louder.

My guess is he's very depressed and is at the point many depressed people reach where they reject positive suggestions. This makes your position very difficult. But he is a walking time bomb at the moment and, as his partner, you would be negligent if you did not try to encourage him to take action. I think, as others have suggested, you need to be honest about the effect this is having on you and on your relationship. He sounds like an ideal candidate for the weight loss injections that are having a lot of success. The fact the drugs have been used in the past to combat diabetes might persuade him to view them less suspiciously. He will be very likely to develop diabetes if he hasn't already, so this health angle might help you raise it.

honestly i think in the reverse situation if a man said the exact words you have then people on here would give the same responses. If its negatively affecting your health and happiness its gone too far and you have to bring it up

As someone who has always suffered with obesity, I think this is very sad for both of you.

I think the best thing to do is talk to your partner and explain that you are worried about him dying. No ultimatums, just a frank discussion about your lives no longer being fun, and the health implications.

The best help I have received is a psychologist who specialises in eating habits. There is a reason that your partner is consuming food this way. He is probably deeply unhappy about something. If you can afford to, skip the NHS waiting lists and go private. Then he can consider injections or bariatric surgery.

Remember, that he has to do this for himself. It is achievable with your support. Best of luck.

DH’s excessive loud snoring and weight gain are issues negatively impacting both of your lives. He needs to take responsibility and seek help to reduce his weight + stop the snoring. If he is prepared to make changes there is hope. It is very difficult for you since it is DH that needs to initiate making these changes. He has the ability to do so but it comes down to whether he chooses to do this.

Without DH making changes, his health is likely to deteriorate over time eg diabetes, heart, hip and joint problems. This will make both of your lives yet harder. He needs to act now.

If he is not prepared to make changes are you prepared to continue to live like this?

OP, you sound lovely and very reasonable and tolerant. I too would still love hm and relationships do change as you have been together longer.

You do need to speak to your husband, you need to save his life and your own mental wellbeing - you are not being unreasonable. If its any easier, don't start on his weight per say, go from the snoring angle.

Once upon a time I was the female equivalent of your husband but I no longer snore having lost significant weight.

Firstly the snoring. As mentioned by other posters, your husband most likely has sleep apnoea and needs a CPAP machine urgently. Does he jolt when he is asleep in bed.......I ask this because his airway is getting blocked hence the snoring and if he jolts, its because. his heart has stopped and its kicking itself back into action. This isn't always down to weight, it could be genetics but you have said yourself that it has got worse as he has got bigger. He needs to go to the GP and get referred to a sleep clinic.

This constant snoring and jolting will mean he does not get a decent quality sleep and will become even more lethargic and aggravate his weight gain further.

You do need to talk to him and you need to tell him that you love him and that you are worried that one day you will find him dead due to the sleep apnoea and he needs to see a GP now. Tell him you don't want to be a widow and that you miss the time you spent cuddled up in bed but you literally can't sleep because of the volume of his snoring. Go with him to the GP and tell them what he is like.

Yes, he will get the weight lecture but his life is at risk now due to the snoring and he must go to the GP.. A sleep apnoea CPAP machine will more or less silence him, give him a better quality nights sleep and you too.

Take it step by step...he might come to the conclusion he needs to lose weight by himself once he gets the sleep specialists opinion.

I'd get him to the GP with or without you.
Maybe even mention to the GP that you are worried and sleep deprived by his recent weight gain.
Good luck.

Stop pussyfooting around him. Tell him to sort himself out and loose weight not just for himself but for his kids. Be honest, tell him you don’t find him attractive. It’s not a good example to be setting to teenagers either being so overweight.
if he hasn’t changed yet he’s unlikely to do so.

Unpopular opinion perhaps, apologies in advance as this isn't going to be nice to read:

At 35 stone and in a sedentary job, he's going to be dead soon anyway. It could either be through a heart attack, stroke, or sleep apnea (basically self suffocation) -that's what the snoring is an indicator for.

There's a whole list of other things too that could develop which could shorten life span or seriously affect life quality too, eg diabetes, kidney failure, liver disease etc

Would he start with just a chat with the GP about his snoring? Concern about sleep apnoea maybe? I’m sure the GP will express concerns about his weight from a health point of view and maybe your husband would accept help then.

You are not being unreasonable to tell him that things need to change, for health, happiness and your state of mind reasons and prob his. You can be as gentle or as firm as you want to be but he needs to do something. Good luck Op.

I’m sorry you’ve had some nasty ‘just leave him’ comments His weight has become a disability. A Bariatric Surgeon once told me that beyond a certain weight, it’s impossible for a person to lose weight by diet and exercise alone. Also, having reached that weight means it’s at least partly a psychological issue causing binge eating/comfort eating. You clearly love each other and without the weight damaging your sleep and your sex life, you would be really happy together again.

You need to try to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to accept the help available to him in order to lose weight. Could it be fear of failure, or fear of how to manage his emotions without comfort eating. Whatever it is, it can be overcome, but first he needs to acknowledge it. Bear in mind that he may be in such denial that he doesn’t know himself without exploring it. You’ve been uncertain about if YABU by pointing out how the weight issue is effecting you, so I’m guessing you haven’t yet insisting on a straightforward, uncomfortable discussion insisting that he hears how this is not only effecting you, but damaging your (otherwise lovely) marriage. It’s time to put your foot down. If he has been in denial, this will be hard for him, but it’s cruel to be kind time, especially since you are seeking to support him in having bariatric surgery and or medication. The medics may need him to lose some weight with meds before having surgery.

Good luck with it. Stay strong 💪

He’s sounds lovely op.

But his obesity is going to kill him.

Time for a hard conversation. He needs to realise that in burying his head in the sand, he risks leaving his kids without a dad and you without a partner.

He also risks his marriage to you… if you’re spelled out how his weight is impacting you and he’s done nothing about it, then inherently he’s being selfish and you need to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

Hes unlikely to lose weight on will power alone. I’d be telling him that you expect him to explore his suitability to weight loss jabs and in not doing so, he is sending you a clear signal that a meal deal for 2 is more important than you and the kids.

And let’s not get into where going to happen if he is lucky enough to age… you’ll end up being his carer.

That would be fine if he’d made an effort. Not fine if he’s refusing to act.

I'm sorry but I need to add to that, as someone who has had a lifelong struggle with weight (or eating, because it's not simple), these things are only a tool to deal with the most visible part of the problem and have a huge bounce-back rate.
As someone earlier said, you don't get to this point just having a few extra puddings.
If he's managed to reach 35 stone there are many issues to deal with of which the actual weight is but one. Self-esteem clearly went out the window a good while back and without that at the very least, jabs won't sustain losses.

I am very sorry OP but if the situation doesn't change, you will become increasingly stressed out and resentful. This is totally unfair on you and the situation needs urgent attention. I appreciate that I'm stating the obvious but a discussion needs to take place. It's likely that your husband will need professional support with his weight loss.
Please take care of yourself.
If matters don't improve, you will need to consider alternatives. You know what they are

I've been horribly overweight. At my heaviest, I was 19 stone and beyond miserable. DH tried a few gentle conversations about my health, and our kids. And I hated him for it. The GP was much more blunt! Nothing made me want to change. I'm now 14 stone and have another 3 that I'd like to shift. There wasn't a lightbulb moment, and it's a real fucking misery most of the time, but I'm getting there.

This has to come from him. He's the only person who can break this cycle. And you may have to be prepared for the fact that he may never want or be able to. If he hasn't seen the GP for some time, I would perhaps email them and express your concerns, see if they'll invite him in for a health check... but other than that, this is his journey to take. You can lead a horse to water........

Haven't read whole thread, just first few pages plus OP. It seems to me there are two different, related problems here and it might be worth separating them out.

1. Weight issues. I'm not going to say much about these, especially as it sounds as if you are talking. I can relate as I am the 'fat' one in our relationship. Somewhat different as I am the carer, am not seriously overweight, but husband has embraced a niche diet which I couldn't face (extreme keto, ONLY eats meat eggs and cheese, nothing else). So I know all the arguements about 'if you carry on eating unhealthily I will have to become your carer and I can't do that'. They are unhelpful.
2. Sleep issues. I do believe these can and should be looked at and resolved separately. You need a bigger bed. You say the bed is slanted - you need an adjustable bed where you each have your own side and your side is comfortable, big enough for you, and not slanted unless YOU want it to be. Then you need at least to try headphones, and he needs to talk to the Dr about his snoring. Record it. Ask him if HE could sleep through that level of noise being blasted into his ears. (Of course his own body adjusts to it).

I know if it were me I wouldn't be able to sleep partly because of anger. There sounds to me still to be plenty of love left in your relationship. Is there any way of adjusting sleeping arrangements in your house - maybe with the kids sharing a room - so that you have your own room not too far from his?

I don't think he'd be able to have sex or work a job at 35 stone. That's like not able to get out of bed, needs someone else to wash the folds weight.

I think you are a saint for putting up with him to be honest. I would have walked by now.

Lack of sleep, no holidays and no sex is a miserable combination. It is no way to live.

Without intervention I don't suppose he will be around many more years. He is killing himself. It's classic food addiction and a form of self harm.

I'd be begging him to take ozempic at this point.