Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Hi op, I feel like you've had a hard time on this thread. You sound like a nice person who really does love her husband but is just struggling. I used to be very large like your husband. I too could see the strain my weight was putting both on my own health and the impact it was having on my family. For a long time I really struggled stuck in a cycle of hating what I was doing to myself, trying and failing to change and being in complete denial. The whole time my weight was getting worse and worse and worse. My DH was nothing but supportive the whole time. He too was like you, said it never affected how he felt about me and he was still attracted to me and loved me.

But eventually it did get to the point where he told me how my weight was affecting him. We had a conversation where he was really honest. He told me how he loves me, our life together and he absolutely does not want us to split up in any way as to him it doesn't matter how big I am he would love me anyway. But he did have some concerns and he wanted to talk to me about it. He told me he was worried that something was going to happen to me and that he was noticing me not participating anymore in family activities (no longer going in soft play, avoiding family days out with lots of walking) and he could see how sad it was making me. He said was there anything he could do to help me with my health and fitness and he was there to support me in any way I needed. And he left it at that. Gave me space to really think about it. No pressure and no conflict.

It really allowed me to see how much my behavior was affecting him and our children and also ultimately myself. I ultimately made the decision to change, had a gastric bypass and have lost nearly 1/2 my body weight so far. Still a fair bit to go but the amount of my old self I have regained has been amazing. And my lovely DH hasnt let me down he has been there cheering me on 100% of the way. Him supporting me, encouraging me and really being my rock is what truly made me believe that I can do it, I can change and not just fail again.

Maybe this is how you could broach it with your DH. Just a calm chat and reassure him that you love him. If he doesnt feel attacked he may be more willing to change and take it on board? I just wanted to say that as the husband in this situation I think you should have a talk with him. Your feelings matter too.

My lovely friend is a widow at 58 having been a carer for the last 15 years for her husband who had a massive stroke due to his (30 stone at 6 foot 6) weight. 2 lives ruined.

The weight loss injections would give him a chance to reset as even if he loses a stone a month it would take a while to get to a healthy weight.

Honestly, you can't carry on like this. It's no life.

I agree with what people are saying. He needs surgery/Weight loss drugs in addition to therapy /counselling to get to the cause of the overeating. He sounds depressed. Can you go with him to the Gp?

for you, can you find a hobby or a reason to get out of the house occasionally?
A night away with a friend in a hotel to get some rest and time away?

if he doesn’t do anything to help himself then consider if you want to split.

If i had gained the weight and had a man tell me "your weight is ruining my sex life" there would be uproar.

There wouldn't. It is one thing to gain a bit of weight when you get older/had kids/life happened. Yeah you need to accept that your partners body changes. However, we are talking about morbit obeisity that is slowly killing him. You've had to change your whole work schedule just so you don't have to share a bedroom with him. And if we talk about sex specifically. There is a masive difference between "you don't look like you did 20 years ago and therefore I'm not attracted to you" and him being so overweght that he is incapable of performing and sex is physically painful.

You need to talk to him. You don't even have to talk about sex. You can talk about health, your sleep, you needing to chage to nightshift. It doesn't have to be a mean converation. He knws you don't sleep in the bed, he knows he's riksing his life, he knows he's morbidly obese. He needs medical intervention. I's go as far as to say that as his wife it is your responsibility to bring it up. Turn it into "what WE can do".

@lacey79 why not send /read him this paragraph you wrote about him earlier (what you love about him?) it’s lovely. Have you told him recently what he means to you, how you feel about him? Remind him of that and how you miss that person. That you want to get back to that place, that you’re seriously concerned about his health. An honest and serious conversation is needed here but you know this. Perhaps approaching it from a different angle would feel better to you and be more well received by him.

The issue with this thread (and most others regarding hus-wife turmoil) is we only know one side of the story. I mean of course the things you've mentioned are 100% valid but you're not gonna find a solution unless you understand what's going on in his mind with regards to his weight and how it affects you. For starters, is his weight problem due to sedentary lifestyle or over-eating? I'll assume it's a combination of both.

When it comes to losing weight, most people struggle with the "commitment" phase, but there's also people who just struggle getting started and once they've taken the first step they go full steam ahead. But if it's the former, then it's gonna take some planning and probably some cheerleading on your part. Small steps is the key, if you can get him to start taking walks everyday then after 60-odd days, it will become a habit. Walking might not seem hugely effective, but when you're carrying 222kg it's gonna be a pretty good workout. Adding in some stair and hill climbing would really get the furnace burning.

Exercise is actually easy to do once you're in the swing of things, but food addiction is a whole different box of frogs... I once read that it's a lot harder to deal with than, say, drug or cigarette addiction because those addicts can just stop exposing themselves to drugs and cigarettes (and their environments) and they don't have to even think about smoking... But how are you meant to stop exposing yourself to food? Replace all the food in your town with kale? It's a tough one for sure. And as I'm far from an expert in this topic, you should hear from someone who is. Like others have said you can get in touch with a bariatric specialist via GP referral. There's probably some weight loss medication they can prescribe you (and even if they can't it's easy to buy online... My favourite is called Cytomel or T3 which is often used to treat Hypothyroidism which could very well be an underlying cause)

Really sad to hear this story because you two seem like a great couple and he seems like a much better dad than most of us had. I honestly think he does want to lose weight and be sexy for his woman and let her sleep but there's probably some backlash in his head that says "I want to lose weight but how would I even start? Would it even work? I didn't choose to be this fat, it's just happened and I'm playing the hand I was dealt, I know she's suffering but what about me? Can't she see I'm suffering more and about to die, why won't she just comfort me in my last days?" There's probably even more struggles in his mind than those, people down in the dumps can always find a reason not to help themselves due to negative thoughts like these. Did I mention hypnosis? I've heard hypnotherapy can do wonders for people who want to improve themselves, can't speak for it myself but if it's not too expensive (or even NHS subsidized) then it can't hurt to try, right?

Best wishes OP. Hope you can get some good sleep tonight. Have you tried pink noise btw? It's easier to tolerate at high levels than white noise... I once had a hell of a problem with this bird outside my window that would start chirping at 2am for some reason... I was about ready to climb up to its nest and start screaming at it when it was trying to sleep but then I found pink noise and when I crank it up on my phone all the way, it completely drowns it out :)

He’s incredibly lucky to have you, and I just wanted to comment to say I hope you both find a way to work through this.

what lovely words about your partner x

There have still been no answers to the questions about the 5 year period of separation in this marriage. People are saying he sounds lovely and such a wonderful father, but why did they split up, and for a long period, before? I presume that wasn't weight-related, so I still ask, WHY did they separate before and why did they then get back together, and what was the situation with his weight at that point?

If he doesn't want to die he has to take action to lose weight. A good friend (52M) was a similar weight and height to your DH. He was found dead on his sofa two months ago. Does your DH suffer from depression? For yourself, it's no way to live. You'll be a FT carer or a widow before long.

Your lack of sleep, mental health and lack of family time and relationship aside (all not good and yes address this), I really feel this is setting a bad example for the kids by having such lack of responsibility and self discipline ( hanging haircut or getting a piercing is quite different!), and at that rate bmi and rate of increase, it won't be long until something serious health wise is the consequence. he will also increasingly find everything increasingly difficult.

Try and identify the cause of such high weight gain. He may be depressed or something else?

Please keep us updated x

Wife of a heavy snorer here! The noise disturbed my sleep for 12 years and sent me to the utter brink, tried so many herbal remedies, over the counter, from the internet etc and nothing worked longer than a week or so at a time and it always seemed to come back louder. It took 12 years until he finally swallowed his pride and saw a doctor about it meaningfully 🙄 but he got referred, had some sleep tests done and they diagnosed a simple steroid spray that largely keeps it under control. I know how horrendous the lack of sleep from a snoring partner can be (and juggling night shift work!) so I only hope that you can help your partner get it seen to as well!

Please, OP, do get him to a doctor asap, on whatever pretext you can (a consultation on the snoring would be the best thing, I think). It's urgent. My DH gained a lot of weight, then had a massive heart attack from a blocked artery and died in his mid-50s. He used to snore like that as well; you couldn't sleep unless you were in the next county. I miss him every day, so very much, and I have to live with having failed him because he resisted going to a doctor and I gave up insisting - because it was his body... Please don't let this happen to you. ❤

Sorry OP, I know you said you didn't want to add to his emotional eating if that were the case, but you've been an enabler by not saying anything.

He is your partner, if you can't be honest with each other, then why even care.

Ultimately, it's his choice to eat whatever, but if I saw my partner and father of my children digging his early grave, I'd tell him straight.

Like others have pointed out, heart disease is the top worry, which would mean leaving the kids without a father.

What's the point of sugarcoating or avoiding a topic whilst watching someone get worse and worse.

If I gained that much weight, my DH would say something out of fear of losing me, and vice versa.

Same fpr close friends or family.

There's obviously something he's unhappy about hence the comfort eating.

You've had a lot on your plate too so can see how it has ended this way, but it's not too late to broach it and support him in losing the weight.

Sometimes tough love is the only option left.

This might be a situation where telling the truth as you've told us here could make things worse. Feeling criticised and defensive over his weight, poor sex, family behaviour etc making him dig his heels in.

I might be tempted into a lie to get him to act.

'I was awake early this morning and several times I realised you'd stopped breathing for quite a while. It was only when you snored that your breathing was jolted into starting again. I'm frightened that you won't start breathing again next time. We don't want to lose you - Please will you get an appointment with the GP and discuss your breathing at night?'

Maybe that would finally get him to take action. Then the GP could advise about his weight, hopefully start some tests and give him good advice to follow. Something that doesn't come from you.

This is not an easy situation to tackle, OP. But just ask yourself this. Don’t you deserve a bed to sleep in? Why is he the only one who gets a bed? This is really an unacceptable situation for you. Lack of sleep is a killer and it will be damaging your own health.

You must tell him how you are suffering. He sounds a great dad too but surely the teenage kids have also noticed that this is not a normal set-up? He must feel sensitive but with support he could get the right help.

Health issues aside which is a given, what the hell!!! What does he bring to the table?
You seem like a slave, servicing his needs, changing the way you live as you can’t sleep, not seeing your kids, no holidays and
I suppose you do all the driving and cleaning.
Don’t pussy foot around - life is
too short. Give him an ultimatum. He can
go and get weight loss medication!

If he is a great listener go
and explain how you feel!

Please leave. He has given up on himself and you have been supportive, yet he has not changed a thing. You can love someone as the father of your children, but I would view his self neglect as a form of abuse.
When you wrote about cooking and plating up his dinner, plus working long hours and no sleep; what I saw was a skivvy pandering to a man who is completely selfish and unselfaware.
Live your life for you. You're trapped. Leave him.

It would be impossible to reach such a weight solely through having a sedentary lifestyle.

@AlwaysGotAnOpinion what do you think a doctor or sleep clinic will tell a 35st man he needs to do to stop his snoring? He’s snoring because he’s morbidly obese! A steroid spray won’t help that.

My short answer is you’re not unreasonable to bring it up, there’s a way to do it and have a proper conversation about everything you’ve said on here

the long answer is, you say you love him but do you? It doesn’t seem like you guys even talk let alone have sex, there’s other ways to build intimacy than sex, if you’re “sleeping” during the day and downstairs at night when do you guys chat? You don’t even know what he gets up to half the time? Maybe he’s depressed and eats his feelings?

personally just saying you should leave is not my place and is a big decision to make, apart from the weight is he a bad husband? A bad father? Do you think that even if he lost weight things will be good again?

the weight loss injections will help make weight loss easier but it’s the bad habits that need breaking, which he may need professional help for, as someone who struggles with weight and weight loss I wouldn’t want my husband to just up and leave me, i understand that it’s his weight to lose and he has to make the decision, but have you ever had a serious conversation about how it affects you and your family? Have you ever encouraged him to go on walks together? Eat healthy meals as a family, do weekly check ins to see how things are getting on? Get a personal trainer?

I haven’t read all the posts but from what I’ve gathered, there’s still a lot to talk about and consider before upping and leaving, if that’s what you truly want then that’s up to you, but I just think a marriage is a team and ultimatums don’t work.

but you do seem unhappy, and I really hope you can resolve the issues and find joy - whatever you decide to do

OP is not coming back. A lot of people have bothered to put energy into writing detailed replies, it's a shame.

IMO this big is beautiful and not being allowed to mention weight of women has gone too far. While making fun and being cruel is and always was unacceptable, the way it’s flaunted as a good thing and to almost be an attainment is wrong.
I get where you are feeling the reverse uproar but this is your life. Your health. Your happiness. His selfishness. However nice and good he is, he knows he’s got a problem and is not caring about the impact on you.
You are not dealing with how it looks. You are dealing with the health impact on you and him.
My H put on a lot of weight. Not so much as yours. BMI 43. Snoring yup. I was fortunate to have extra bedrooms to choose from. I picked the one 100 feet away from the master bedroom. Ended up there every night.
He’d blame me for his weight increase. Yet I wasn’t the one forcing food down his throat.
Anyway, have the conversation when it’s not a snap retort. Sit him down and say everything you said here. Add in how it’s going to impact him further..diabetes, heart problems , early demise.
Bariatric certainly is not an option without his will to eat less and make considerable effort. If he doesn’t show he can control eating first, they won’t do it because he could kill himself if his mind is not on track with the process.
Jabs I know nothing about but sounds safer. Again, he needs to want to help himself.

Id change the couch to a day bed if that’s comfier for sleeping. Blackout blinds but there’s not much you can do about sounds. My son worked night shift for years, so I do understand.
As to that, working nights is bad for your health. It has a time limit that you can carry on. I think 10 years is the recommended absolute maximum. So things must change.
So I’d have the conversation.

I speak as someone with a food addiction. Anyone who has reached that weight is almost certainly addicted to food. If he can't get help from his GP or the NHS, he should look at getting the weight loss injections like mounjaro or ozempic.

It's not an easy process confronting denial. But a better life is out there for him if he can reach for it.

It sounds like the impact it has had on you already has killed a lot of the relationship. You probably need to be more honest about how it impacts you, from a compassionate point of view.

You can "detach with love" from an addict. You love them, but you can't cope with the impact theor addiction has on you, so you have to take action to protect yourself from their addiction. Not from them.

I disagree with the roles reversed assumption because you aren’t saying to him, “you’re ruining our sex life” are you? Yes, it’s a facet of it but you said yourself the passion/romance is a small facet of married life at this stage. It’s actually that there are a number of significant (sleep being the main one) issues this is causing you. And, quite frankly, that you don’t want him to die any time soon.

My DH and I have an agreement that we want each other (and ourselves) to be healthy. So if we put on weight, we talk about it and make lifestyle changes. Honestly sometimes people don’t realise just how much weight they have gained and how it is actually impacting life. Especially if, as you say is your situation, you don’t disagree or fall out or talk about it!

You guys are a team, so approach it as a team and ask him to help fix the issues as a team.