Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

35 stone?? That's very big.

I'd leave, I couldn't live that way and he's doing nothing to help you when he knows you are struggling.

You'll be his carer soon.

Definitely completely reasonable to want things to change. But I think I'd word the conversation around stopping the snoring, being more healthy and changing lifestyle (more holidays and activities, less computer games) rather than telling him the issue is his weight specifically (even though it is causing problems) . Like if he went to the doctor to discuss the snoring surely they would advise on it requiring weight loss rather than you telling him he's unnatractive to you.

I don't think you can tell anyone what to do with their body, you can however talk to him about any health concerns you have for him and maybe come at it from a wellbeing pov, in the hope that he will make changes
However, you don't sound happy, you sound very resentful and I'm not sure how you'll recover from that. You sound like you want and need a lot more from life that he can give so my advice would be to leave

Id guess so. Hes very tall, around 6'6 and the last time i knew his weight was about 5 years ago and he was 22 stone, and he is noticeably a lot bigger now than he was then.

I would talk to him about you wanting to sleep and having a life. Make sure he knows in the kindest way possible that if these things don’t change you are going to leave. At least give him a chance to sort it out.
But if he doesn’t do anything you should absolutely leave. As a pp said you will end up being a carer.

The health implications here are massive. It’s beyond just a diet, I’d be looking at mentioning bariatric surgery or medication, he must think losing that is undoable. He’s a ticking time bomb health wise.

Of course you can bring it up. And should.

This is impacting your health as well as his.

This reads as though you have changed your whole life to cater for this man to the detriment of your relationship with your children, not to mention their needs. The teenage years are a tricky time. In your shoes if you can afford it, I would split up from him. You’re hurtling towards being his carer in a few years.

When someone is up to about 5 stone overweight the implications are low (not negligible, diabetes and heart disease are the two main ones). Fine to not mention it, they know they're carrying extra weight.

When someone is 20 stone overweight then you are at very great risk of early death so mentioning it becomes necessary, for their health, to be around to watch the children grow up, to basically LIVE.

Obesity at this level is a very serious ILLNESS, no one wants to be this unwell.

I am resentful. Because i can hear him sleeping all night, every night im home whilst im sat here watching crappy TV, jealous of the fact that sleep is the one thing i need, and his is whats stopping me from getting it.

At the very least encourage him to go get a sleep test done, he likely needs and would benefit from a CPAP machine. He won’t be sleeping well either (probably doesn’t realise it) and lack of sleep contributes significantly to weight. My husband snored like a demon, was waking up up to 80 times an hour (without being aware) and a CPAP has made such a difference. I spent two years sleeping in the spare room before he finally went and got checked so I feel your pain.

Is this the first time you’ve mentioned the snoring?
My DH is very big. When we spent our very first night together, the next morning I said to him that I couldn’t stay again unless I could work out how to use ear defenders at night! That day he got an appointment at the doctor. It took a few weeks, nights in a sleep lab etc, but he got a CPAP which was literally life changing for both of us.

The reason I’m prioritising this is that you cannot exist long term without reasonable sleep. It is killing you and your relationship. If he is not willing to take steps to improve your and his sleep then he fundamentally is selfish. Let him sulk.

His weight gain is affecting you and it’s unfair if you aren’t allowed to say it. It isn’t the same as a few piercings.

We have a good sex life, but again my DH makes an effort so that it isn’t just me doing all the very physical side. Your husband needs to step up in all the ways.
These are conversations you desperately need to have if you are to stay together happily.

Fine to not mention it, they know they're carrying extra weight.

But he knows it too. He knows about surgical options, he knows about weight loss injections as we have a family member who has had some really good success on them. Hes aware howw eight impacts health etc. He knows all of this. And knows i would be supportive of both those thing should he chose to go down those routes.

I think i just want him to acknowledge how much it is now affecting me and want to change, make that decision for himself and his health firstly, but for me and my happiness too. Does that make sense?

No the snoring has been there since we got together, but now its constant and so much louder. I used to be able to nudge him, hed roll over and stop snoring. Now he physically cant roll over, so its constant, all night long.

Has he not ever brought it up with you that he should visit a doctor? I'm sure he would be someone that the NHS would want help and treat.

There was a documentary on BBC last night about people eligible for weight lost drugs and these individuals weighed less than your husband so if he pursued the right channels he would get help.

I appreciate it has to be down to him and not you to seek professional help. What does he eat does he cook?

I'm saying this as quite a fat person myself but from your description he just seems to be resigned to quite a small life - no sex, no holidays, no aspirations. I'm not saying these are important to everybody but by the way you've described his character, I'm going to agree with another poster and say you need to think carefully about your next steps or you will be caring for him soon in one way or another.

I'm generally against telling people what to do with their bodies but I honestly don't see the harm in saying your poor health is impacting every aspect of my life including my mental health, if you won't do anything about it, we can't stay together. Ultimately at the moment you are paying the price for his lack of care for himself.

I'm speaking from experience as I lived with a snorer for years and instead of saying something kindly and in a matter of fact way when it first began to impact my sleep, I snapped and was an absolute dick one night on holiday when I didn't have a spare room to escape to. I did not come off well 😳.

Honestly I don’t know how you’re not physically repulsed by him.

what about him is it that you love?

he’s selfish, he expects you to meet his sexual demands, he doesn’t want to do anything about his weight, I can’t imagine he’s able to participate in family life. What do the dc think?

I dont know the last time he even saw a Dr in all honesty.

I also dont know most of what he eats i dont think. Im not here 4 nights a week, i cook for us all before i go to work. I leave him a plate made up, but thats clearly not just what he is eating. He eats at work and works in a city centre surrounded by fast food places. When ive done a few shifts in a row and dont feel like cooking, he will get a 2 person meal "deal" and eat it himself. He drinks a lot of fizzy drinks which is full sugar coke mostly. He drinks beer often but not excessively. But the meals i make are balanced, when he cooks the meals are balanced bt the portions are massive, ive mentioned this to him but i dont think it registers how big the portions are as he is serving food. His meals when i make them are often accompnied with bread and butter etc too. I would put money on him having stashes of snacks by his computer.

Could you guys afford for him to use medication to support his weight loss? He sounds like a good candidate for them.

I think that either way you need to have a like, but honest, conversation. This is affecting his health smh that's sad, but it's now also affecting yours, any that's unacceptable. You are allowed to make decisions that fuck your own health (smoking say) but you aren't allowed to make decisions that fuck the health of others (smoking inside). As a society that's what we've determined our laissez-faire boundaries to be. All you want to do is apply those same boundaries at home. Because not sleeping is damaging your long term health. Which means really this is a conversation you need to have for the sake of your old age.

Oh just to add, my DH started injections and he has been losing a stone a month for the last 4 months.

Wow OP that sounds really hard. One thing I didn’t understand from your OP is why you’re sleeping downstairs during the day when he’s awake though? Is it the mattress thing? If so could you afford to get one of those beds which has like two mattress on it so you wouldn’t be affected by the dip?

I’d also second the CPAP machine. And there are loads of gadgets out there now for sleep apnea type things, could he try some of those?

We could afford them. He could afford them without me having any imput or knowledge at all if he reduced the amount he spends whilst at work. As i mentioned we have a family member who was very successful on them, who i know broached the subject with him over Christmas (i think they get a referral discount code and were recruiting?), but i dont know the ins and outs of the conversation, it could have just been a fleeting comment about them getting discount. I know that person would also offer support and advice whilst taking them too. They are very approachable. I might speak to them about how the conversation went, but even that feels a bit intrusive.

35 stone is a dangerous weight, and for the sake of his health, he should look into bariatric surgery or weight loss jabs.

I am sorry to say he cares more about food than he cares about you or the relationship. There are so many options available to him, but he wants to stay fat. He is happy to stay as he is, which is his choice.

But my god it does mot need to be your choice op.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Sex is non existent and painful. He is keeping you awake all night and ruining the quality of your life. He is contributing nothing to your well being and he is no longer attractive.

He could start the weight loss injections tomorrow. If he wanted to.

If he won’t make an effort to address the snoring, I would move out. You can not continue as you are. He had an option to fix this, and if he won’t t then you leave.

I would provably leave anyway, as this is not a relationship anymore, and you deserve to have a full intimate life, to have fun, to sleep. I could not stay in your position . You have every right to a better life.

I could write everything you have written.
I really do love my DH and he is kind and generous and funny and very hard working. I know he is trying to lose weight and that someone of the size he is is clearly suffering from disordered eating-he knows he is actively killing himself with food but can't stop.

But on the harder days I think of how it affects me and I can get quite down. The lack of sex life is massive to me. We sleep apart which doesn't help but he has chosen to prioritise sleep over intimacy which is hurtful. He wfh and doesn't shower every day and mostly wears clothes for comfort and I just would really like him to make a bit of an effort. I also work shifts and have gained weight and I feel myself making less of an effort and don't like that either.

The hardest thing is that I know he's not going to make 50 as things are. He will be lucky to make 40. I have it constantly at the back of my mind that I'll be alone. I don't know if you work in healthcare with your shifts but I do and my biggest fear is that I'll have to do CPR on him.