Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

I would ask him to go to couples counselling with you. I know you say it’s all him but why can’t you sleep when you are away from him -it’s maybe resentment rather than just his weight and snoring.
Are you post menopausal when your tolerance for loved ones diminishes. Is he pulling his weight at home?

He definitely needs to visit your doctor to ask about the snoring. The doctor will discuss general health and weight loss, this could be the first step on the road to recovery.

But also, get a new bed! Get rid of the double bed with the dip. Get two 3' single beds. Use single bedding on each. They can be pushed together if you want, or left separate (in my experience, even a 2" gap prevents an occupant from invading your side). At least you will then have your own bed and will sleep better.

The way I see it is, his lack of inclination to manage his weight and his health is ruining his own life, yours, and probably your children's too - as it's heavily impacted their relationship with their mum and their family life. This would make me very angry and I would not beat around the bush in telling him why.

Over eating, is he depressed. He might be, have you talked about it.

even that feels a bit intrusive.

Intrude away! You're at breaking point, way past walking on eggshells. He needs to see a doctor and start getting help. Your adjustments with the sleeping etc have endabled him to go on acting like it's not the problem that it is but your life and your family life is not what it should be and it's not helping to pretend any more. It's only made it worse so what is there to lose? He needs to get past the self pitying look and realise it's reached make or break and take the step he knows about but has done nothing to take responsibility for. Honestly I'm not being naive or unfeeling, many many of us struggle with our weight but he's given up and isn't r by even trying and it's got to an extreme almost emergency stage medically. He needs to see a doctor and start that conversation. This cannot go on.

Food can be an addiction for some people. His primary relationship is with food, not with you, at this point you are just enabling him. If he was taking hardcore drugs you wouldn’t be wondering how to break it to him without hurting his feelings.

What about your feelings?

Does he care that you are exhausted? Burnt out? Barely functioning in a sexless marriage?

How do you mean?

Theres no nights away from him to sleep, all my sleep is daytime. That happen in the 6.5 hours my children are at school/college, 4-5 hours of that i manage to sleep, but its always broken. When they are off its less as i cant expect them to be quiet just so i can sleep a bit. The best days are weekdays when they are all out (3 days a week with college) but even then, its day time, theres post being delivered that wakes me every day but comes at different times so i cant wait for it, deliveries, traffic, people talking in the street, i live near a row of shops thats pretty busy and has a cafe that can be noisy more so in the summer months, theres a primary school that backs onto the back of our house. I still need to maintain the house, do laundry, shopping etc, sleeping in the day is weird, its hard to explain unless you have done it consistently for nights, but its harder to stay alseep for a prolonged period of time. The bed is too uncomfortable, its slanted, theres no half a bed for me to sleep on, his dip is more than half the bed. Some days i will sleep in my daughters bed and get more restful sleep there, but thats only when she is at college. But theres no peaceful, dark, restful time away from him to sleep a full night, unless i book a hotel.

As for how much is being spent, i dont know, we have a joint account for household expenses be both pay in to, i do food shopping from that, part of that does include things just for him, mostly the coke. What he spends from his personal account i dont know though.

OP, it sounds like you’ve been avoiding the (literal) elephant in the room for far too long. Never mind his health, this is affecting YOUR health and that should be enough to make him want to change. It’s ridiculous that you’re the one having to sleep downstairs. It’s ridiculous that he’s spending family money on eating junk food every day at work. He sounds extremely selfish, and making you feel guilty about not going to bed with you is unacceptable.

Why do you feel you can’t talk to him about how this is impacting you? He either needs to agree to weight loss jabs or you need to leave.

If he’s 35 stone, I’m sure you can afford mounjaro or whatever because maintaining that weight will cost a fortune

The obvious difference is the changes in your appearance have absolutely no effect on him or anyone else, whereas his changes are driving you out of your mind and forcing to make huge unwanted changes in your life in order to hold on to your sanity. He can be as overweight as he wants but can't be whinging about the changes you ve been forced to make to cope with the impact

I dont control his personal account. We have a joint for household expenses and i do most of the shopping from that account. How much of what he has in his personal account is going on food i dont know. Same as he wouldnt know what i spend on hair cuts, clothes, and my various hobbies if asked. Its not coming from the joint account.I feel thats relatively normal.

Time for some tough love @lacey79 . You can not watch someone you love basically kill themself while you're standing next to him "respecting his privacy". He will surely die young of a heart attack. How is this fair to you and your children? He's probably an overeater and the weight loss jabs would work wonders for him. I feel that you're being very passive about this OP. Sure, it's his responsability but you love him and you say he's a good man so now is the time to get into action mode. Take GP appointment and tell him straight up that you don't want your children to grow up without a father. If he loves you all it's time to prove it and get some help!

OP you need to be blunt, you have three options:

1. sit him down and explain everything you have here and see if he is willing to change
2. leave him
3. ignore the situation and carry on as you are (until you explode with resentment)

personally I would go with option 1 to begin with, open communication and talk about your feelings

You need a serious conversation. It's ok to tell him you are worried about his health. It's ok to say his snoring is affecting your quality of life and his weight is affecting your sex life .

I had a similar conversation when dhweight hit 16 stone.

I don’t think you can compare your hair, tattoos and piercings with his weight. Your changes are not affecting his health. Be kind to yourself on that one.

You still love him, so you need a proper talk to him, possibly alongside a health professional, and to give him an ultimatum: lose weight or you can’t live together any longer.

Its not that i feel i cant talk to him. Maybe i spend too much time on the internet in the age of tiktok and reddit. But i cant help think how this would be reversed. If i had gained the weight and had a man tell me "your weight is ruining my sex life" there would be uproar.

Theres obviously more to it than that, my sleep if the thing being most impacted, but that reverse uproar is where my mind goes when i think about it.

Leave. This is unsustainable. He won't change - too far gone, and even if he starts to lose weight, he won't be successful, too far gone.

I would say it’s pretty normal for couples not to know how much the other spends from their personal account and what on.

OP knowing what food he’s buying isn’t going to help the situation.
She already knows he’s overeating.

He may not be even spending a lot, as junk food is sometimes cheaper than healthy food but what he’s eating is loaded with calories.

It's hard for someone to grasp what their snoring sounds like because they're not awake to hear it. I complained to my DH for months but nothing changed. Eventually he recorded himself and when he played it back he was shocked and apologetic. Maybe that would be something to try.

So he is happy for you to never ever sleep at night rather than even attempt to do anything about his snoring? No wonder you’re losing love and respect for him.
At the very least you need to start alternating who gets nights. Until he changes he can start staying up some nights while you get to sleep upstairs. Why should it always be you? A couple of nights having to live like you are will change his selfish perspective.
How can he treat someone he loves like this? Have you had a serious conversation about that?

My bet would be that he has sleep apnoea. It’s associated with obesity. The trouble is, it’s a vicious cycle with weight. You get disturbed sleep (even though you don’t realise). You eat to boost your energy because you’re tired. You gain weight and thus the cycle continues. I’d approach with that. See if you can find an article about it and suggest he sees his GP for a sleep study assessment. If it is that - once the sleep apnoea is managed, the weight will start to improve. However, if he refuses to engage/start to tackle the problem, it’s not unreasonable to think about separating. I had similar issues with XH. I used to worry he’d have a heart attack when we had sex 😬 it’s not why we split specifically but it certainly made things more difficult.

Is there a reason why he’s overweight?

Often people put on weight when they have kids, stressful jobs, depression etc and turn to food for quick fix of feel good hormones.

Can you think of anything that may be contributing? And perhaps help him tackle this first.

Being a bit overweight is common but he seems very big.
Maybe he doesn’t realise just how big he is.

I would definitely keep pushing for him to see the gp for his snoring.
Tell him you want to sleep back in your own bed and be intimate with your partner like a normal couple.

I think you do need to talk to him, it could literally save his life.

The way you’ve put it here it isn’t an aesthetic issue, it’s more about him losing sight of himself, self neglect, not trying to make things better eg to see GP about snoring.

and yes of course yanbu to miss the sex you had and not find it enjoyable, it sounds painful and unsatisfying on the rare occasions you have it.

Otherwise you might have to say you need to move out for your own well being. Still be there for him but that this doesn’t feel like a marriage to you.

say you want to help him make things better if he wants that.