Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Surely this is what you say to him. That’s such a lovely kind post, highlighting what you see as his many good qualities. I think if you put his weight/need to lose weight I’m the context of feeling like this about him, it seems much less like getting at him and much more like you care about him a great deal and are worried about the consequences of his lifestyle on his health. Do your kids complain about the snoring?

Lack of sleep in the middle age may increase the risk of dementia.. So this relationship literally putting your life at risk. You have to give him an ultimatum - to fix his snoring asap or you'd consider leaving because it's slowly killing you.

If alcohol or drugs meant your relationship was miserable, you were exhausted, had no quality of life and the sex was painful, we would all be screaming at you to leave.
realistically OP he could put on another 10 stone over the next three years and you will become his full time nurse.

i think you would be absolutely entitled to tell him he needs to loose the weight or you will leave.

His weight is likely to cause him to die earlier and no one wants that for people we love. His weight is also impacting your life in a negative way, you aren't being unreasonable. He needs to get help and make some serious lifestyle changes.

Yes I think you’re absolutely right.

I watched a programme on sleep apnea and it is a very vicious cycle.

You don’t sleep properly and you eat because you’re so tired. Your body also holds on to the fat stores so it’s more difficult to lose weight, so then gain more weight and your sleep is even worse.

I definitely think seeing the gp for the snoring is the best thing to do and weight loss help will be given by them.

You need to take drastic action now. You owe it to your children and to yourself. There's a level of apathy in your posts which comes from having drifted into this "normality" over a number of years and you are accepting things which are completely shocking to an outsider looking in. The home life you are jointly providing as parents to your children is not healthy and it's not normal.

There are two separate issues. One is your husband's health. People don't get to 35 stone by having a few too many puddings. He has big problems with food and he will almost certainly need medical assistance to address his weight now. But he needs to realise this and find internal motivation to seek help.

The second issue is the fact that he seems completely happy with the enormous impact his health is having on you and the children. You get just 4-5 hours of broken sleep on a sofa every day because of him. You have to work permanent night shifts because of him, which causes you to have significantly less time with your children because of him. Your long term health is seriously at risk from this lifestyle, meaning that your children have two parents with bleak medical outlooks. And the cherry on top is that, rather than being contrite or feeling the smallest bit guilty about the way he's robbing you of your life, he has the audacity to complain about it!

He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again)

This ^ is absolutely foul and turned my stomach. How can he seriously think this is a respectful and loving way to treat his wife? Who on earth would want to be crushed by a 200+ KG man who has stolen their quality of life, after enduring another 4 hour sleep, just so he can use them as a masturbatory aid? Absolutely disgusting.

I know this isn't the point of the thread but it does make me happy that mounjaro is now available for people like your DH and other people in this thread. It will change his and your life (as it has mine and my DH).

There is no reverse uproar. Anyone confronting their partner about how their extreme weight gain is affecting their health would be completely reasonable. It doesn’t matter if it’s the man or the woman. If it was you that had gained the weight and it was impacting your husband’s physical and mental health then he would be totally within his rights to discuss it with you and to expect you to do something about it.

Stop trying to paint yourself as a monster. It’s your partner that’s the monster in this situation. I can’t help but feel sorry for your kids too - they are also suffering. They have a father who can’t join in with normal activities and a mother who is being made ill by their father’s selfishness.

I say this kindly. I think you’ve talked yourself round in circles over this over a sustained period and are comparing apples and pears.

You have respectfully outlined the severity of the issue here and the far reaching impacts it is having on yourself - I imagine you also know the health impacts of working night shifts, let alone the broken sleep. You are talking about being physically hurt when having sex and you have completely changed your existence and are missing out on your children because your husband won’t tackle his weight.

I would lay it all out to him, as you have done here. Be supportive but tell him that he needs medical help or you have to leave - it’s your health over his currently and that’s a situation that needs sorting quickly.

What you aren’t doing is asking him to lose weight out of vanity or judgement which is where anyone would be roasted for. You are asking him in order to be able to live your life. There isn’t a comparison.

But it isn't just your sex life that it's impacting.

If he was drinking himself to death would you quietly just accommodate it?

I am open to hearing about how my behaviour impacts my DH because I care deeply about his experience. I want him to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling life and I know he feels the same about me.

My DH has pointed out when I was working too much, addressed it when I was drinking too much (largely due to stress) and while he never commented when I've put on a stone or two he would absolutely be saying something if I was putting health and risk with significant weight gain, disrupting his sleep, limiting the amount he can see the kids etc.

I'm genuinely shocked at the passivity of it all.

This.

Whats in this relationship for you ? Leave him to it and tell him you may take him back if he loses weight and addresses the snoring.

Whats the housing set up ? Do you rent / own / ?joint ?

Tell him you’re getting a new bed for you and putting it in your bedroom. It’s his turn to do years on the sofa now!!!

This isn't about "my partner has put a few pounds on and I've got the ick", he's a massive, massive guy and he's sacrificing his health and yours.

Firstly, if you can afford it, go and check into a hotel for a couple of nights so you can get some good sleep.

Then you need to sit down with him, and lay out his options. He can go to his doctor and start surgery route, go to his doctor and ask for medication, start medication privately, or you leave.

This isn't fair to you

I mean I think I would probably keep the "lose weight it's ruining our sex life" bit in my head. But "lose weight as it's damaging my sleep and therefore my health" - well what are your choices?

Stay as you are damaging your health until the resentment is such that you leave him.

Buy/rent somewhere where you can have separate beds, not let him in yours so it doesn't damage it, continue living as you are with no sex life, start using white noise to drown out the snoring.

Leave him now before it's spent another X years damaging your long term health.

Have a conversation about how you love him but you know his weight must be putting a strain on his body. That you care about him but it's also meaning you can't sleep. Suggest support for that weight loss out of a joint budget. Do the whole thing non-judgmentally on the basis of both your health.

I don't think anyone would be saying that the latter is unreasonable even if the sexes were the opposite way round. Even if you've overestimated and he weighs 30 stone that's a BMI of 48.5. There's no way it's not damaging his health.

My DH is 6ft 5 and just over 14 stone. Your adH is very, very dangerously obese. Yanbu. His behaviour is horrible. I would have to leave and live separately until he can sort himself out. You have no life with him and he is not considering your needs.

This is really the wrong way of framing it.
his illness and probably depression is impacting your mental and physical health. The men is ill. Obesity is an illness. Snoring is an illness. They both are medical conditions treated by the nhs. They are impacting his life and yours. If he was an alcoholic or drug addict you would be doing something, probably leaving him if he does not work to solve his issues. With obesity is the same. I would have a very serious conversation with him, telling him he has a medical condition and you love him too much to see him ruining his life under your watch. Either he goes to the GP to check his health and snoring or your relationship is finished. It is obvious you care about him and you see in him loads of great qualities, you need to do everything you can to help him out. If he refuses you need to be prepared to think what it means to separate. You can’t keep on leaving without sleep and you should not have to become a carer to him when he won’t be able to get up from bed or shower himself.

Just sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what you've said here- you love him, he's a great dad, he's hilarious etc etc. But even with all of those amazing things you are now getting to the point where you are considering leaving him because this situation is so bad for you. You can't live the life you both loved, you can't sleep, you can't be the couple you desperately want to be. The situation needs addressing or you will have to split up. This means either he seriously addresses his weight- sees a doctor about weight loss jabs, stops drinking fizzy drinks and eating larger portions etc, and/or he explores options to address the weight-induced sleep apnoea that is causing the snoring. He also won't be getting good quality sleep like that which will likely be making him depressed and lethargic and wanting to eat more crap.

If you can emphasise this comes from a place of you wanting to stay together but feeling like you are broken by all of this, hopefully he will engage seriously.

I think all ‘rights’ have to go out the window when it comes down to so little- you seem to love him, he seems to love/ miss you, the sleep and sex thing is literally ruining your relationship. If it’s not dealt with it will be over- so it’s not an ultimatum- it’s going to happen. At the core of this is you love him and he loves you and you both need to focus on that.

Whatever anyone says about losing weight it was mind blowing to me how dh lost weight a few years ago- 2/3 stone by not snacking at night time (which killed him for the first while so I’m not saying it’s easy) coming off unhealthy breakfast cereals, swapping out fizzy drinks for water, cutting bread right down. He lost more after that by eating healthily (he went extreme on that, making healthy foods/ cycling and walking so I’m not talking about that, but how if he is unhealthy small changes literally knock off the first few stone (after a while, weight fluctuates because of muscle science that I don’t quite get).

Op I hope things change for you both x

35 stone is almost three times what I weigh. And I did my BMI at the weekend and I’m considered overweight. He will die soon if he doesn’t change. You need to shock him into getting some serious help or you will be a widow.

Yes - you mention it. You don't have to explicitly say "You are morbidly obese". But you do have a right to say what is not working for you.

"DH, I'm so unhappy in our relationship. I love you but there are things now that are making me question whether we should be together.

Our sex life is not satisfying me anymore. You want me in positions that hurt me and I don't want to do that anymore. I never feel like you care about my feelings about this.

The snoring and sleep situation is awful. I'm genuinely suffering because of it. I cannot function anymore - I need sleep to function properly. I would like to sleep with you but our mattress is now uncomfortable etc.

I'm worried about your health as well etc"

Ask him how he feels the relationship is going. Tell him you absolutely need something to change right now or it is over. His attitude needs to change.

I suspect at 35stone he now won't be able to just lose the weight, He might hide food he eats. But you will absolutely become his carer soon. If he is unwilling to try anything (speaking to a counsellor or medication etc) then I would be leaving.

I would say the same if he had been chronically depressed. Just because someone is ill, doesn't mean you have to stay with them. People do out of loyalty. But if someone will never take the steps they need to to get help, then they don't give you much choice.

You deserve happiness.

But i cant help think how this would be reversed. If i had gained the weight and had a man tell me "your weight is ruining my sex life" there would be uproar

@lacey79 maybe this would be true if we were talking about a smaller weight gain but not when someone has out on so much weight that they are at a much higher risk of illness/death.

You need to tell him (not pussy foot around, make him listen) that you cannot go on like this and you will seriously be considering the whole relationship if he does sort this out and right now.

A husband should be a great friend. You are being very unfair imo.
It sounds like he is depressed and no wonder. It’s very hard to change your own inner voice.
OP needs to be be open and honest and draw a line in the sand about the sleep issue and the weight gain. She is his wife.

OP he sounds lovely, just lost. It’s part of a long marriage to help each other find each other out of the woods and he needs to meet you halfway.

He is ill. But, you are making yourself ill and shortening your life expectancy too by not getting sleep and working nights.

Can you afford an outbuilding or extension?

Would he join a club like Slimming World? My dh has gone back after putting on all of the weight that he had previously lost. I have to put up with his snoring and quite often I end up on the sofa.
Tbh, I am quite bitter over dh’s weight. He also has a bad foot so this impacts him moving. I would love to go out for family walks (kids are older) and I have a real urge to go paddle boarding, but I don’t want to go on my own. He is also grumpy because of everything which makes life harder. I feel like a sad version of my old self and I’m struggling.
You really need to speak to him and say how you feel.

My advice stands regardless of sex. I would say the same to any man in this position.
Op you seem so resistant to change or improvement yourself, I am now questioning your reasons for not speaking up.

This man is going to die if he does not get help pretty urgently. His body is already struggling to exist, the potential guilt alone of standing by and doing absolutely nothing to help him at all is surely a reason to talk to him candidly?

Why are you wasting time thinking about reverse uproar when your beloved husband’s life is at risk? This is not a conversation about aesthetics, you are going to have to get past that if you have any hope of turning things around.

I think you need counselling. m

Your self care is abysmal. The value you put on your own well being is woefully inadequate to serve you well. 4-5 hours sleep and night shifts are notoriously hard, and punishing without the other elements.

Op, I am finding your post quite heartbreaking to read. Please get some counselling and explore why any of this acceptable to you. Burn out isn’t far away, I think you are almost there.

I want to get you myself - put you in my spare bedroom for 9 hours and run you a warm bath, and a bite to eat. If anyone needed some tlc it is most definitely you. Do you do anything for yourself? A massage? A day off? A few nights away?