Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

It's very unlikely he'd get weight loss injections on the NHS any time soon unless he also has diabetes. You need to be on tier 3 of the NHS weight loss programme and the waiting list for that is over a year in some areas, plus you have to have tried and failed at the first two tiers. Even then he may still be waiting as the roll out of this medication is planned to take over a decade.

I am quite overweight - several stones more than I was when DH and I met. I also have some disabilities that weren't a problem 20 years ago but affect me daily now. This has absolutely affected my marriage and my relationship and my husband has been nothing but supportive and kind about it all. But we are meeting in the middle of- he is supportive and I try. It's super hard and I have so much empathy for anyone struggling with their relationship with food but if your husband can't even admit there's a problem that's a huge problem in itself.

I think he's gone way past 'put on some weight' and the thing that bothers me the most is that he doesn't seem to think there's a problem. He's not trying to solve it or meet you halfway or anything. I couldn't stay in this situation permanently so if he won't change you will have to. Your kids are watching this and it's going to affect their adulthood in all sorts of ways.

I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking

OP, you ask whether you have a right to a say over his body.

You have a right to say your piece over the impact on his health, and the high probability of his kids losing their dad young.

You have a right to explain the impact his weight has on you.
If he still makes the choice to do nothing about it, a) he has made that choice, b) you know he is putting his eating above your family life and your relationship.

He has a right to do nothing, but you have a right to not accept it impacting and ruining your life.

I'd draw a budget up, don't just assume you can't afford to live alone. I live alone and I only need £200 a month for food. I know you need to factor in the kids too, for at least half the time. You don't have to end the relationship if you don't want to, but you do need a place to sleep and have a life outside of work.

Mounjaro would be cheaper than splitting up.

I think the time has come for some tough conversations.

Has your DH ever lost weight on a diet before op? He will know deep down how it is affecting him etc but it's easy to put your head in the sand about it and it can get very intimidating to think about losing 15 stone plus? Is he an emotional eater?

Ultimately he needs to want to lose weight himself but at his size it will be all but impossible to exercise it off. A change of diet/ habit is needed. His weight will drop off quickly at his size. Ask him to try and lose a few stone and he might be encouraged if he suceeds?

That's very very big. No wonder you don't have sex and he snores his head off.

It's very unattractive.

Weight loss jabs or divorce.

I agree.

Obesity is an illness and it doesn’t just have an impact on that person, as we can see here.

Hopefully he can get it off the NHS to kick start his weight loss.
Being the size he is, it must be challenging for him to do so as he probably now has a slower metabolism, insulin resistance and as a PP said sleep apnea.

Him losing weight would make such a huge difference in this situation.

Stop buying full fat coke today. Just stop supplying it. Or switch to Diet Coke at least.

It sounds like he has sleep apnea. If he gets a cpap machine though I'm sure that makes some sort of whooshing sound so that might impact you as well. As for the bed situation, if he did get a cpap machine and the whooshing didn't bother you, you could join two double beds together so you have your own space but you are together in the same room? As for his weight he really needs to address that for himself as well as you and the kids.

Im going to speak to my SiL about her experience with it and her conversation at christmas with him and how he responded, then research it a bit more to gain the facts. I think maybe approaching him with a plan and hard facts about the injections may be better.

Thank you for the messages, maybe ive been a bit defensive because although the lack of sleep is quite literally ruining my life, i do love and care for him, and the responses of "leave him" made me more defensive as i genuinely dont want that to happen. I just want us both to have a life again.

Someone who has reached 35 stone can absolutely afford to pay privately for WL injections. He almost certainly spends multiple times the amount that WL injections cost over a month on all his junk food. He just needs to prioritise his health and his family and redirect that money somewhere useful.

It sounds like he is stuck in a rut and has made himself helpless. Things have got so bad he no longer feels they can change.

I think he needs counselling, along with you, to have someone else present so you can really talk about the impact his health is having on you - physically (the lack of sleep, pain during sex) but also mentally (the fact that he will die soon if nothing changes). Also surely this also affects the children, while they might not wake at the snoring, the fact you don't go on holidays or anything is affecting their opportunities too. They must also feel embarrassed to bring friends home if he is there or kids can be mean and surely this would open them up to being targeted for dads weight.

Maybe once he has had some counselling sessions he would be more open to medical options as this really is his only choice.

Seriously? I buy 2 bottles on the weekly shop. What he buys when im at work etc i dont control. Your replies are quite nasty.

Massive weight gain and not showering sounds like a mental health problem. Would he consider seeing the GP? He obviously should for his weight as well but if the root cause is eg depression he needs treatment for that not just an Ozempic pen.

You should definitely speak to him. It sounds unbearable.

Because he is not stupid and clearly knows he is making bad choices.

He was big when we met, hes always been big. I love him regardless of that fact. In recent years its escalated. But he has always been large.

How i spend my money and how he spends his isnt a conversation we have.

I dont want to embarrass him or upset him, i care about his feelings. Yes i want him to be healthy. I actively make healthy choices for meals for all of us. If he eating is down to emtional eating on his part, why would i add to that.

Im not expecting anyone to understand, i dont think i can even explain how it got this far, maybe i buried my head in the sand over the years as much as he did about his weight, but now its coming to a head. I perhaps over thought how i could go about bringing it up without it coming across nasty and spiteful. Posting on here whilst exhausted emotional and gave me some outsde clarity.

But your posts are very unhelpful and nasty.

Have you asked him to go for a walk maybe or shall we cook a low fat meal tonight? Maybe approaching in a different way may give him a kick to start things? Any thoughts about purchasing Mounjaro as a kick start to help his weight?
His weight may be causing sleep apnea so he definitely needs to do something about it and your kids must notice what’s going on.

You both definitely need a frank conversation with each other

You've changed your working pattern and sleeping location because of his snoring. Sex hurts so you rightfully don't do it.

Put these to him factually. Ask him to help think of the solution.

He can sleep on the sofa surely? You should get the bed.

If he refuses to do anything about the problem then leave him.